Sometimes life just hits you

My cup runneth over. This is something my mom refers to from time to time. It is a phrase that speaks to her about the abundance of emotion that can come with life. The idea of being filled to the point of overflow, not in an "i'm drowning" kind of way but in a "blown away" and humbling kind of way.

I had one of those moments today. I stood in one of the rooms in our house (it may be important to note that this room was clean and I was not the one that cleaned it. That fact alone may have been the catalyst that allowed this moment to happen.) and I looked at the walls. I saw shelves filled with books and photo frames: our honeymoon, Bill's grandfather, a beautiful baby frame that I never had time to put a picture in (#reallife)...I looked up and saw artwork on the walls from our many trips to Africa. As my eyes moved across the room from the posters of renaissance paintings that hung on our walls in college to wall clings of sesame street characters my heart welled up and so did my eyes. My cup runneth over.

Could I be this lucky? Is it possible to be 35 and already have a life so full of beautiful moments? I looked at the treadmill where I had just been running. How many miles have I logged on that machine? Running to fit into a wedding dress, running to burn off the baby weight, running to fight through stressful moments, running with praise music in my ears and almost falling off because I started dancing with joy!

I looked at the toys in the corner and thought back to all the afternoons pretending. As I looked at the peeling and weathered version of Elmo, Ernie and Cookie Monster I cried harder as I realized that we don't watch Sesame Street anymore. When did that stop? How long will they let me hold onto these silly wall decorations before they are embarrassed?

Their little lives bring me the greatest joy. Also the most stress I have ever known. I woke up today cranky, thinking to myself "if that boy doesn't start sleeping..." and I couldn't think of even a slightly reasonable way to finish that sentence. I felt powerless, frustrated and tired.

The days can be like that. The choices we have made and the paths we have followed have been full of faith-filled risks. They have led to some of the most incredible moments and some of the hardest seasons we have ever had to face.

Grief - When God's Not Done With You Yet

God’s Not done with you.

This song played on the radio incessantly during the month of August when we were watching my father die. Every time I got in the car it would be the first or second song to come on the radio. Sometimes I listened and sometimes I had to shut it off. I wanted to have hope. I wanted it to be a message for my dad. The song made me angry at God because I felt like God WAS done with him. Why was he taking him now? There is so much more we wanted to include him in. It wasn’t fair and this song just kept reminding me of that. How do you reconcile a song that says God’s not done when you know that a life is ending against your will? Yet deep down, I knew even then that the song was not for my Dad it was for me. I just wasn’t ready to hear it yet.

The truth is God wasn’t done with my Dad, either. I watched my dad as he patiently and peacefully submitted to his fate and willingly sought after God to bring him home. My dad had made peace with his death. It feels like God is abandoning the fight when you watch a loved one slip away. I knew all the Christian answers and I was giving them to people as they would come to say their goodbye. “Heaven is it’s own kind of healing.”, “God knows things we don’t and his timing is always perfect.” It didn’t feel like God was working though. It was torture to see my dad lay in bed, unable to communicate and not know how to help him. We didn’t know if he was awake or resting, hot or cold, in pain or in peace. In the early afternoon of what became the day he died, I had cried out to God, “if your plan is to take him to heaven, just do it already, this is unbearable!”

It was then that God opened my eyes to see that my Dad was not suffering. His heart was beating strong. His legs were not swollen with fluids, there were no bed sores or painful infections, his breathing was not labored or painful. Having watched other loved ones walk this path, I knew that God was protecting him from a much more difficult ending. He was dying but the transition was effortless. In his final moments we did not get a smile or any sign that communicated God was there like we had hoped to see and my Dad had wanted to give us. His breathing simply got slower and slower. He faded away every so gently. The last thing to stop was his heart. Looking back now, I can see a beauty in the calm. There were no alarms, no violent coughs or gasps for air, no signs of struggle or pain. Just peace and surrender. What felt like God abandoning the plan was in fact a very loving and gentle end to a heroic life.

Since my Dad’s passing, we have lost another close friend. Upon hearing the news, I had a vision of my Dad welcoming her into heaven. I saw him take her by the hand and wrap one arm over he shoulders. I heard him welcome her and tell her it was all going to be okay. My mom had the same vision. It brought me comfort that my Dad hasn’t changed a bit, he is still being the loving, caring person he is and welcoming others.

So back to the song. It has continued to pop up on every playlist or station I turn to. “God’s not done with you, even when your lost and it’s hard and you’re falling apart.” I knew even then that it wasn’t a message about my Dad. The song was for me, my life. God isn’t done working. At first, I wasn’t ready to hear it. I don’t like thinking about what’s next because I haven’t managed to wrap my mind around what just happened. The world around me keeps moving forward but time for me stands still. I have been asking for God to come and find me in my grief. To show me a way forward with the rest of the world.

It’s possible that today He has answered my prayers. This morning my plan was to drop the kids at school and come back for a run. This is my routine most days. As I sipped my coffee and made my way through the house, I got the sense that it wasn’t time for a run. Stubborn as always, I kept making my way toward the treadmill. I checked my phone and saw a message “We were saved to worship.” It caused me to pause but I kept moving toward my run while pondering the image. Was I healed from my cancer so I could continue to worship God? What does that even mean? How is it different from what I was doing before? I love music, it speaks to me, but there must be something I am supposed to DO with my life. Then I couldn’t find the ipad that I normally use to put on a movie while I run. I took another lap around the house and was unsuccessful in finding it, so I decided with trepidation that I was going to have to run to music today. Music has been hard for me since my Dad passed. Sometimes songs still connect but most of the time I struggle to find joy in the words that used to bring me great motivation. I am still stuck, trying to make sense of a world without my dad and the music in my life had been off beat. Yet this morning in the car there was a song that caused me to pause. I stayed in the car until it was done. It was a message about running to God again and again and again. A surgeon for your heart and a friend for your soul. Maybe somehow my rhythm is back and the music will be good for my run today.

I laced up my shoes, turned on the treadmill. I unpaused my music station. Immediately…“God’s not done with you…” I made it about 20 steps before the words of the song overpowered me and I had to sit down. I melted into a puddle of tears as they washed over me.

Standing in your ruins,

Feels a lot like the end

So used to losing,

You're afraid to try again

Right now all you see are ashes

Where there was a flame

Truth is that you're not forgotten

'Cause grace knows your name

God's not done with you

Even with your broken heart and your wounds and your scars

God's not done with you

Even when you're lost and it's hard and you've fallen apart

God's not done with you

It's not over, it's only begun

So don't hide, don't run

'Cause God's not done

With you.

There's a light you don't notice

Until you're standing in the dark

And there's a strength that's growing

Inside your shattered heart

God's not done with you

Even when you're lost and it's hard and you've fallen apart

He's got a plan, this is part of it

He's gonna finish what He started

God's not done writing your story

As the song ended I pushed pause again and sat there. This message has been like a broken record in my life. Returning at all the wrong moments and getting stuck in my head so that I hear it whenever my heart gets quiet.

I began to think back over the past week of all the people God has placed on my heart. I have felt drawn to pray over others often. This week alone, I have had more than 5 people from broken moments in my past reach out in a fresh way and seek comfort from me again. I have heard more than a dozen times “I don’t know why I’m telling you all this, I should be reaching out to help you, you’re the one going through something.” Still, I felt compelled to extend grace and hope to them instead of the other way around.

Scripture says that God is faithful to finish the good work he began in us. When I got dressed this morning I put on the matching hoodie that I have with my Dad. It says “Cancer only made this family Stronger.” I still don’t know why I get to be here and he was chosen for heaven. I do know that he asked God for exactly that, when I was diagnosed he asked God to let it be him instead. I don’t think God works like that, but I do think my father believed there was so much more to my story. He could see that God was not done with me yet. So I am letting God use the story of cancer in my life to make me stronger. I keep running in faith because that is what my dad would want me to do. God’s not done writing my story, he’s gonna finish what he started.

This doesn’t mean I may not be a puddle of tears again tomorrow, but it does mean that I am trusting God to guide me through this. I am leaning on him and listening closer than I ever have before. I am following his light through this darkness one step at a time. I want to embody the same peaceful surrender I saw in my father during his last days. I want to humbly and patiently wait on God and fully trust him for what’s next. Just like my Dad’s last days when he was waiting for heaven, the final destination is clear but the way is unknown, God’s timing is unknown, but GOD IS KNOWN…and that’s enough for today. Fear and despair won’t win.

God’s not done with me yet.

Hear the Song

After Midnight

It is 12:42 am and I am awake because of a spoon.

Why would a spoon keep me up all night? This particular spoon was under the pillow of our sweet Ugandan boy who is anxiously awaiting fresh snow. Just when we thought we had seen the last of winter's icy chill the weather reports started coming about one last mega-storm of the season. Apparently, it is a tradition of sorts to sleep with a spoon under your pillow if you are hoping for snow. I agree it is an odd tradition, what does a spoon have to do with snowfall?

Isaac caught wind of the spoon theory and he just had to try it. Friends had spent all day at school dreaming of a snow day and even though we received the phone call hours before bedtime that school was, in fact, canceled due to the impending storm...he still had to give the spoon a try.

It started at 11:30. Our bedroom door opened to the sound of a wide-awake little boy. "My spoon fell down the crack and I can't get it back."

"It's okay baby, go back to sleep. It has already started to snow and you already know that school is canceled for tomorrow."

"But my spoon is stuck!"

"It's late buddy, go back to sleep and we will find the spoon in the morning.,,oh, and close the door on your way out."

We should have known better. Any change in Isaac's routine is enough to keep him up all night. If the blanket isn't right. If he isn't wearing socks. If he has two stuffed animals instead of one. If he has one stuffed animal instead of two. If he got a kiss on the cheek or forehead instead of a kiss on the lips. The list goes on and on and just when we think we have the exact formula for bedtime bliss...it changes. I should have known then that the spoon was going to cause trouble but I was exhausted and I just wanted to go back to sleep.

I heard the creak in the hallway first, thanks to our old house. Maybe he is just going to the bathroom. I think to myself. The floorboards creak again and I can tell he is in his sister's room now. Before I can will myself out of bed, our bedroom door opens and closes. It is so dark that I can't tell if he has entered the room. He must have seen me start to get up because his feet flew ninja quiet down the hall and he had almost made it back to his room before I made it to my doorway. "I had to check and see if the door was closed. Daddy asked me to close the door."

I check my watch. Midnight exactly. "Buddy, that was a half hour ago and it doesn't explain why you went into your sister's room too." I can see his body bend and squirm as the anxiety takes over. I do my best to be firm but calm. "It's time for bed now."

"My spoon is way down under Mommy."

"I know buddy but we can't get it until the morning. It is late and we all need to sleep so we can play in the snow tomorrow."

"Okay."

I tucked him in again. I checked the blanket. I checked the stuffed animals, the nightlight, the room temperature, the fan, the humidifier, the windows, the closet and anything else that might distract him from sleep...but I didn't get the spoon.

30 min later and my bedroom door opens again. This time it is Caraline with a flashlight. "I can't sleep." Wide awake by now, I get out of bed and begin walking her back to her room. That's when I hear the wailing and moaning. He is in a full blown meltdown. He thinks it is about the spoon, but it's never really about the "spoon."

"Sweetheart, did Isaac's crying wake you up?"

"No, Mommy. It's not his fault." She is covering for him. She is right, though, it isn't his fault. Her precious heart can realize that better than mine can at 12:42 am. I wake up Bill and we all begin the journey it will take to set things right again.
                                            ________________________________________


Last week I was texting with a friend. Our Thursday was full and we had multiple places we needed to be that night but we weren't going to make it to any of them. You can rarely predict when it is going to be a hard day. There is never a "good" day for it to be a "hard" day. I spent more than an hour canceling plans and calling in favors to cover for my responsibilities that night. As a people pleaser this is especially hard for me. I want to be dependable but I have signed on to a life that is utterly unpredictable.

"I have to remember that I wanted this." I texted my friend. "I wanted to be the loving mom that helped a broken soul through PTSD and abandonment issues. I can't get upset when that reality disrupts my day."  This text was followed not too long after with a more crass text "Stupid Jesus, giving me a heart for orphans. Doesn't he know I am a hot mess?"

It may have been a snarky and sarcastic way of dealing with my frustration in the moment but the truth is in there somewhere. The truth that God called us to this. We agonized and waited and waited and waited for the chance to love the little boy God had for us.

It is also true that I am a mess. Apart from God, I am the least likely candidate for this job. God has a habit of picking the least likely candidates. Raising a boy goes against everything I value. I like things neat and clean and calm. If you have raised a boy you are laughing right now.

God has a habit of stretching us outside of our comfort zone. It is when we are outside of our comfort zone that we turn to him, we follow him, we depend on him. When we tackle the small things we can do on our own with little effort, it is easy to glorify ourselves. It feels nice to get all the glory at times but it isn't what we were designed for and eventually, it feels empty. Deep down our hearts long for our creator (though few of us realize the ache inside for what it really is). The greatest high I have ever had is when I have allowed God to use me for something I never could have done apart from Him. As I look back, the best moments of my life are when I have taken the leap and followed God down a path that seemed impossible. When people know that there is no way you can do something...and it still gets done. That's when God gets the glory. THAT'S when the least likely candidate becomes the BEST candidate, because, as much as we would like it to be, the challenge before us was never about us to begin with.

So someone please remind me of this tomorrow when I am tired and my kids want to build a snowman. Please remind me that there is a God that loves me and loves them and he will guide me through the impossible if I just look to him and let him.

Lord, help me look to you when I am weak. Help me to come to you when I am exhausted. Remind me of who you are, and who I am because of you. Thank you, Lord, that you are good. Thank you that you are as near to us on our best days as you are on our worst. Help me to sing your praise in the good and the bad. Remind me that you are my strength when I am weak. You are the source of my help and my hope. Thank you for placing me in circumstances that are beyond what I can handle apart from you because when I follow you I find the way, the truth, and the life. Please fill me with a patience that extends beyond midnight and a deep love for Isaac. God, will you continue to shape me and mold me to be what he needs and help me to always point him toward the same hope that I have in You.

Victory

Perhaps you have heard me yell it across a crowded room. "Muwanguzi!" It was Isaac's last name before he came to us and we kept it as his middle name because it means victory. On the really hard days I like to stop and recount all the victories we have seen. Today Bill came home to me yelling "That's it! Stop talking to each other! I never want to hear you talk to each other ever again!" Even as I said it I knew I was being ridiculous but we had had the kind of afternoon, week...okay month... that truly provoked such a statement. So join me, will you, in looking for victories in the middle of the madness...

1) My kids were playing with dart guns...this may not seem like a victory but loading these guns requires fine motor skills and shooting them is actually quite challenging. The first time Isaac picked up one of these toys it caused an hour long melt down (for him and for me) because he simply could not do it himself. He didn't have the strength or the precision to get it down. NOW I find darts EVERYWHERE! He finally has the hand strength to pull the trigger and the fine motor skills to reload.

2) We went to Wal-Mart today. When Isaac first came home almost two years ago a simple trip to the store overwhelmed him. He would reach for me from the cart and beg for a hug. We often had to stop several times in the same aisle to take a hug break and reassure him that he was safe. Perhaps it was sensory processing disorder or the motion of the cart or just the enormity of it all. A trip to the store was never easy, rarely quick and often meant leaving with only half the items on my list. TODAY Isaac was like any almost five year old...distracted by super heroes on the waffle boxes, begging to buy lunchables and fighting with his sister. We left with everything on the list and the whole trip only took 30 min.

3)We have two dogs. If you haven't heard the story yet of how Bacon entered our lives, you should. It is a victory in and of itself that we made an 18 hour car trip with two kids and one (then two) dogs without any major difficulties. As seen above, we have had worse trips to the local store! However, if you have been following our story since the beginning you will remember that Isaac had a paralyzing fear of anything with fur. He has completely overcome his fear and he is adorably in love with Bacon and Reeses. He helps take care of them. He races to be the one who gets to feed them. Petting Bacon even helps to calm Isaac when he is upset. VICTORY!

Because it could take days to fully explain the ins and outs of our journey I'll leave the rest of our victories as a simple list but know that each item represents hours and days and months of effort. Isaac is showing us all that nothing is impossible with God:

• Isaac can use scissors
• he knows the alphabet, he can even write most letters!
• he can say the word "THirteen" and "THeater"
• he can use S and ST sounds
• Isaac tells me about his day at school and what games he plays
• We all share about the best part of our day at dinner each night.
• We also share about something that may have been hard that day...Isaac participates.
• Isaac prays to God for help when he needs it
• Isaac can dress and undress himself
• he can stand on one leg
• he can feed himself with a fork
• he can use a straw
• when you ask him his name he says "Isaac" loudly and clearly. He may even look you in the eye.
• Isaac helps to set the table for dinner (and clear it!)
• Isaac loves to dance and sing
• he can talk to his Daddy on the phone and have a back and forth conversation without needing anything "translated"
• Isaac loves counting
• he can tell a creative story
• he colors in the lines
• he can blow his nose
• Isaac can ride a bike and a scooter
• Isaac went down the bounce house slide by himself at back to school night
• Isaac made it through all of back to school night
• Isaac can swim and jump and almost dive
• he can whisper
• he can bounce on the trampoline
• he can play uno and win!
• he can communicate his emotions (love, fear, anger, sadness, frustration, excitement)
• he can take a deep breath to calm down
• Isaac can fall asleep in the car
• Isaac can take a shower
• he can communicate clearly the thoughts going through his head "Mommy, look at that girl with the pink backpack, she is walking away from us now but there was a Minnie Mouse on her shirt and I liked it."
• Isaac can have a substitute teacher teach his class and still have a good day

I know there is more, but you get the point, in two short years Isaac has seen A LOT of victory.

Looking Back/ Looking Forward

Facebook has a feature that I am sure most users are very familiar with. It is called "On This Day." A part of me wonders if the creators of this feature fully understood the impact that something like this could have. For those of you that don't know, the app looks back over all your prior posts on the current date as far back as you have had a facebook account. It quickly lists for you on one screen what memories you have collected year after year.

It has been a fun way to look back at photos of my kids as they have grown. It has also brought back many hilarious memories with friends and important milestones as a family. I do my best to check it everyday because it is a good reality check that 1) life happens in seasons and good or bad things could be very different tomorrow 2) a year can make a huge difference in any given situation and 3) I usually have a lot more to be thankful for then I realize.

It was today's "On This Day" moment from 2015 that prompted me to begin this blog again. I'm not sure how many people will read it, but I realized that I need these memories more than anyone. That my own words and God inspired wisdom can be the very reminders I need to keep going.

I am embarrassed to say that you have ALL heard me complain over this past year. If you have been kind enough to ask how I am doing or happened to offer me a hug at a vulnerable moment...you have heard the stories of my heavy heart. Finding my way on this new path has been something that has rocked me to my core and broken my heart in more ways than I knew possible. It has brought out the worst in me (which I am now learning is all a part of how God intends to refine me).

Still, even in the darkest moments, there is a hope I cannot deny. However, I have gotten good at ignoring it. Some days it is easier to to be cranky than to be hopeful. Some days feel unfair or unending. 

As usual, God has given me a song to guide me through and put words to an emotion I couldn't otherwise express. This time it is "Thy Will Be Done" by Hillary Scott

I'm so confused
I know I heard you loud and clear
So, I followed through
Somehow I ended up here
I don't wanna think
I may never understand
That my broken heart is a part of your plan
When I try to pray
All I've got is hurt and these four words

Thy will be done

I know you're good
But this don't feel good right now
And I know you think
Of things I could never think about
It's hard to count it all joy
Distracted by the noise
Just trying to make sense
Of all your promises
Sometimes I gotta stop
Remember that you're God
And I am not
So

Thy will be done
Like a child on my knees all that comes to me is
Thy will be done

I know you see me

I know you hear me, Lord
Your plans are for me
Goodness you have in store

The first time I heard this song on the radio I had to pull over and let the rush of emotions take hold of me. It was like someone found out my secret and wrote a song about it. There are times when I wonder, did we make the right choice? Am I really what he needs? Those thoughts never last long though because there is no doubt who started us on this journey and God doesn't make mistakes.

He was so clear. This is our path. 

Every tear. Every battle for control. Every broken item. Even my broken heart. This is our path.

It sounds awful. I know I have made it sound awful because when you are knee deep in it (and often over your head as well) sometimes all you can see is the awful. BUT it is also beautiful. It is beautiful because God is in it. He hasn't abandoned us to a lifetime of complicated and shut the door. No. He holds me in my broken moments. He forgives me when I loose control. He gently guides me each day to look to him and join him in this process.

I actually prayed this week "Lord, I know you brought us down this path to refine me. I know you are using him to bring out the worst in me so that I can face what is ugly and have victory over it. However, I feel like soon there will be nothing left of me to refine. I've got nothing left."

Then I sat there and very slowly God spoke to my heart and said "exactly." Slowly my exhaustion turned to gratitude as I realized that's the goal...more of Him and less of me. The entire process of sanctification is meant to make us more like Christ. I am in process. As I said so wisely just a year ago...I am in the middle of my marathon. God's not finished with me yet.

Christmas Card

Dear Friends and Family,

We wanted to take a moment and wish you all a very Merry Christmas! We love getting your Christmas Cards in the mail and having a small window into your world. 

This year has been both the hardest year and the best year so far. Next week we will celebrate one year with Isaac being forever part of our family. It has been wonderful to look back and remember all that God has done. This time last year Isaac was saying his first words ever and we were hearing his laughter for the first time. Now he makes us laugh every single day and we love listening to his stories. This time last year we were experiencing the greatest gift our family has ever been given...8 weeks of uninterrupted time to bond and cherish each other. Of course this time was wrapped up in a season of waiting and being very far from home but we look back now and we can see it for the gift that it was.

Becoming a family of 4 in such a nontraditional way as walked us through brokenness and pain, but it has also taught us a level of love and patience that only the holy spirit could bring. We have experienced nearly 4 years of "Firsts" crammed into just 12 short months. Everything from eating with a fork, to first words, to finding Elfy; our hide and seek friend. 

God has used Cara and Isaac to teach me more than I can summarize in a blog post or Christmas card. Of course they bicker and fight like siblings. Our house echos with "He hit me" and "She took my toy" but I have also seen such beautiful examples of love. Cara protects Isaac with a fierce passion. She reminds me often what Grace and Mercy look like lived out as she finds the right words to calm me down if I'm upset over another broken item or misplaced glove or accidental moment. If Cara is given a reward or a prize she is quick to split it with her brother or make sure he has something equally wonderful. Isaac shares his love with hugs that often seem to come out of no where but are always accompanied by "I wuv wu". 

I could not be more grateful for Bill. He is the most loving husband and incredible father. He never knows if he will be coming home to an exhausted Mommy or dance party in our rain boots (Isaac has become quite the fan of hosting "parties" in the kitchen). Regardless of the kind of day he has had,he comes home, dives in and loves on each of us. 

I am also continually thankful for each and every one of you that has reached out with a meal, a note, a text or "like" to let us know that you are cheering us on. Following God on this road has taken more than I knew I could give. Each moment of each day is it's own unique battle or victory. We could NOT have made it this far on our own. THANK YOU and THANK GOD for everything.

With Our Deepest Love,

Bill, Lauren, Caraline & Isaac

 

Summer Moments

Sometimes you just know you are living out a moment that you will remember forever. In these moments I like to stop and smell the air, close my eyes and listen to the sounds and then open them to gaze at my surroundings. I have a horrible memory so if I don't slow down and take it all in the moment might slip past me.

Isaac's first night at the beach was one of these moments. After all the adventures of learning to trust me and splash bravely in the waves I got to watch my children from across the campfire as they gobbled down hot dogs and laughed with their friends. As the stars came out and the sky grew darker it was so entertaining to watch them dig holes in the sand and explore the beach in the darkness.

We had another great moment a few Friday's ago that still makes my face light up when I think back to it. We were over a friends house for bible study and it had grown very late. By the time the kids came out of the playroom to join the adults for dessert (blueberry cobbler...oh how I love summer!) it had grown dark outside. I had taken the kids outside on the deck for several reasons 1) they were being loud 2) blueberry cobbler is very messy and stains when spilled 3) Isaac did not want their large dog to share his dessert.

We all sat down on the deck steps making yummy sounds as we enjoyed this special treat. It wasn't until the last bite was safely in our tummies that we looked up and saw them...lightning bugs! Thankfully, I turned off all the mommy alarms in my head (it's very late, the kids are sticky and over tired, we have somewhere to be early tomorrow..) and we dove into the fun of trying to catch them.

For Isaac it went like this: He would see their glow and run as fast as he could toward the spot where he believed the bug to be. He would grab frantically at the air and then come running back to me with palms wide open to show me his bug (which was obviously not still in his hand) then he would pretend to eat the bug and spin in a circle in squeal with delight about how funny it was to "eat" them.

For Cara it went like this: She would creep slowly through the grass with her hands wide open trying to track where the last glow had come from. I would pass the ones I captured to Cara and she would stare in awe as it crawled around her hand. I watched her whisper to them and then watch as they took flight and began to glow again.

After we successfully chased all the lightning bugs out of our friends yard the game changed to "find mommy." I would sneak away in the dark and crouch down in the grass and wait for Isaac and Cara to come running and tackle me in the grass. After a big tickle fight I would sneak away to hide again. This came quickly turned into "chase mommy" and then "mommy run and hold Isaac" and then "spin until we are too dizzy to stand." By the time we joined the others back inside we were sweaty, overtired and full of giggles.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
We weren't sure what to expect when we took Isaac to see his first fireworks. 4th of July is a big tradition for my family. We always go to Aunt Joyce and Uncle Steve's because you can see the fireworks from their pool. Growing up there was always a large party with lots of guests, food and family fun. When Uncle Steve passed away a few years ago it left a void in our family that was always felt strongest on the 4th of July. We weren't sure if the tradition would continue but as next generation began to grown in our family we have all found our way back to Uncle Steve's pool for the fireworks.

This year the fireworks were accompanied by a soundtrack of little voices as the cousins experienced the bright colors together...

"wow, that was the biggest one."
"oooo, that was the loudest one."
"Mommy! Why fireworks in the pool?!"
"Mommy! Why oooo   ahhh?"
"I want to touch firework"

By the end of the fireworks all 4 of us were packed into one chair and shouting out as our favorite colors lit up the sky.

However, for me the best part was the ride home. Cara sweetly fell fast asleep but not Isaac. He went on for 45 min about "Purple! Yellow! Green" and how they were "Up high in the sky" and a million questions about "why go boom?", "Why so high" He recounted the night by saying "Mommy, Isaac 'ooooo' 'ahhh'" Then we laughed to ourselves as we heard sounds from the back seat as he tried to mimic the sounds the fireworks made. When we asked him if he liked the fireworks he shouted "Yeah!" and started over with "Purple! Yellow! Green!".... all I could do was smile.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

This was also a great first for my kids....

A rope swing! It is fun when they can experience firsts together. They took turns all night long saying "Daddy/Mommy push me higher!" It was wonderful to watch them as they learn to take risks and trust us with each push. It was also encouraging to watch them include one another..."Your turn!" I'll let the photos speak for themselves here.