God’s Not done with you.
This song played on the radio incessantly during the month
of August when we were watching my father die. Every time I got in the car it
would be the first or second song to come on the radio. Sometimes I listened
and sometimes I had to shut it off. I wanted to have hope. I wanted it to be a
message for my dad. The song made me angry at God because I felt like God WAS
done with him. Why was he taking him now? There is so much more we wanted to
include him in. It wasn’t fair and this song just kept reminding me of that. How
do you reconcile a song that says God’s not done when you know that a life is
ending against your will? Yet deep down, I knew even then that the song was not
for my Dad it was for me. I just wasn’t ready to hear it yet.
The truth is God wasn’t done with my Dad, either. I watched my
dad as he patiently and peacefully submitted to his fate and willingly sought
after God to bring him home. My dad had made peace with his death. It feels
like God is abandoning the fight when you watch a loved one slip away. I knew
all the Christian answers and I was giving them to people as they would come to
say their goodbye. “Heaven is it’s own kind of healing.”, “God knows things we
don’t and his timing is always perfect.” It didn’t feel like God was working
though. It was torture to see my dad lay in bed, unable to communicate and not
know how to help him. We didn’t know if he was awake or resting, hot or cold,
in pain or in peace. In the early afternoon of what became the day he died, I had
cried out to God, “if your plan is to take him to heaven, just do it already,
this is unbearable!”
It was then that God opened my eyes to see that my Dad was
not suffering. His heart was beating strong. His legs were not swollen with
fluids, there were no bed sores or painful infections, his breathing was not
labored or painful. Having watched other loved ones walk this path, I knew that
God was protecting him from a much more difficult ending. He was dying but the
transition was effortless. In his final moments we did not get a smile or any
sign that communicated God was there like we had hoped to see and my Dad had wanted
to give us. His breathing simply got slower and slower. He faded away every so
gently. The last thing to stop was his heart. Looking back now, I can see a
beauty in the calm. There were no alarms, no violent coughs or gasps for air,
no signs of struggle or pain. Just peace and surrender. What felt like God abandoning
the plan was in fact a very loving and gentle end to a heroic life.
Since my Dad’s passing, we have lost another close friend. Upon
hearing the news, I had a vision of my Dad welcoming her into heaven. I saw him
take her by the hand and wrap one arm over he shoulders. I heard him welcome her
and tell her it was all going to be okay. My mom had the same vision. It
brought me comfort that my Dad hasn’t changed a bit, he is still being the
loving, caring person he is and welcoming others.
So back to the song. It has continued to pop up on every
playlist or station I turn to. “God’s not done with you, even when your lost
and it’s hard and you’re falling apart.” I knew even then that it wasn’t a
message about my Dad. The song was for me, my life. God isn’t done working. At
first, I wasn’t ready to hear it. I don’t like thinking about what’s next
because I haven’t managed to wrap my mind around what just happened. The world around
me keeps moving forward but time for me stands still. I have been asking for
God to come and find me in my grief. To show me a way forward with the rest of
the world.
It’s possible that today He has answered my prayers. This
morning my plan was to drop the kids at school and come back for a run. This is
my routine most days. As I sipped my coffee and made my way through the house,
I got the sense that it wasn’t time for a run. Stubborn as always, I kept
making my way toward the treadmill. I checked my phone and saw a message “We
were saved to worship.” It caused me to pause but I kept moving toward my run
while pondering the image. Was I healed from my cancer so I could continue to
worship God? What does that even mean? How is it different from what I was
doing before? I love music, it speaks to me, but there must be something I am
supposed to DO with my life. Then I couldn’t find the ipad that I normally use
to put on a movie while I run. I took another lap around the house and was unsuccessful
in finding it, so I decided with trepidation that I was going to have to run to
music today. Music has been hard for me since my Dad passed. Sometimes songs still
connect but most of the time I struggle to find joy in the words that used to
bring me great motivation. I am still stuck, trying to make sense of a world
without my dad and the music in my life had been off beat. Yet this morning in
the car there was a song that caused me to pause. I stayed in the car until it
was done. It was a message about running to God again and again and again. A
surgeon for your heart and a friend for your soul. Maybe somehow my rhythm is
back and the music will be good for my run today.
I laced up my shoes, turned on the treadmill. I unpaused my music
station. Immediately…“God’s not done with you…” I made it about 20 steps before
the words of the song overpowered me and I had to sit down. I melted into a
puddle of tears as they washed over me.
Standing in your ruins,
Feels a lot like the end
So used to losing,
You're afraid to try again
Right now all you see are ashes
Where there was a flame
Truth is that you're not forgotten
'Cause grace knows your name
God's not done with you
Even with your broken heart and your wounds and your scars
God's not done with you
Even when you're lost and it's hard and you've fallen apart
God's not done with you
It's not over, it's only begun
So don't hide, don't run
'Cause God's not done
With you.
There's a light you don't notice
Until you're standing in the dark
And there's a strength that's growing
Inside your shattered heart
God's not done with you
Even when you're lost and it's hard and you've fallen apart
He's got a plan, this is part of it
He's gonna finish what He started
God's not done writing your story
As the song ended I pushed pause again and sat there. This
message has been like a broken record in my life. Returning at all the wrong moments
and getting stuck in my head so that I hear it whenever my heart gets quiet.
I began to think back over the past week of all the people
God has placed on my heart. I have felt drawn to pray over others often. This
week alone, I have had more than 5 people from broken moments in my past reach
out in a fresh way and seek comfort from me again. I have heard more than a
dozen times “I don’t know why I’m telling you all this, I should be reaching out
to help you, you’re the one going through something.” Still, I felt compelled
to extend grace and hope to them instead of the other way around.
Scripture says that God is faithful to finish the good work
he began in us. When I got dressed this morning I put on the matching hoodie
that I have with my Dad. It says “Cancer only made this family Stronger.” I still
don’t know why I get to be here and he was chosen for heaven. I do know that he
asked God for exactly that, when I was diagnosed he asked God to let it be him
instead. I don’t think God works like that, but I do think my father believed
there was so much more to my story. He could see that God was not done with me
yet. So I am letting God use the story of cancer in my life to make me stronger.
I keep running in faith because that is what my dad would want me to do. God’s
not done writing my story, he’s gonna finish what he started.
This doesn’t mean I may not be a puddle of tears again tomorrow,
but it does mean that I am trusting God to guide me through this. I am leaning
on him and listening closer than I ever have before. I am following his light
through this darkness one step at a time. I want to embody the same peaceful
surrender I saw in my father during his last days. I want to humbly and patiently
wait on God and fully trust him for what’s next. Just like my Dad’s last days
when he was waiting for heaven, the final destination is clear but the way is
unknown, God’s timing is unknown, but GOD IS KNOWN…and that’s enough for today.
Fear and despair won’t win.
God’s not done with me yet.
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