Constant Learning

I sat at the keyboard this afternoon and took a deep breath. Several actually.

The past month has flow by. I just got back from the post office where I sent out the last remaining bundle of paperwork for Isaac's file. I stopped to take a photo so that one day he will be able to look back and understand that this was not a choice we made quickly or lightly. Signature after signature, both notarized and photocopied, confirm that in every way we want Isaac to join our forever family.

I can barely list all of the meetings, phone calls and forms we have gone through in the past month. One phone call was so lengthy that my car battery died as I sat in a parking lot scribbling notes in the rain. (note to self, turn off your headlights next time).

After our interview with our home study agency, our social worker, Cindy, suggested that we watch a DVD series on Trust Based Parenting for kids with trauma in their early developmental years. Children of adoption can experience the trauma of separation even if the birth mother never holds the child. Those 9 months in the womb mean more than most of us understand. In a situation like ours, her advice was that we prepare for the hardest scenarios and hope for the best.

Since then I have spent most of my free time learning special techniques to help Isaac understand that he is safe in our home and that we will love him forever. It is both terrifying and encouraging to watch the families in these DVD's. When I stop to let it in, I can see how beautifully the story of adoption translates into our spiritual salvation. For some of us we were raised with our faith and it fits us like a comfortable pair of clothes. For others of us the path to God had more dark turns than we even allow ourselves to admit. In these situations trusting God is much harder. We live in fear that he might give up on us, even though he says over and over in his word that he won't.

One moment in the DVD series continues to sit with me.  The scenario is as simple as a mother telling her daughter it is time to leave the playground. For this little girl whose entire life has felt out of control, control is her connection to life itself. (How hard of a stretch is that for me to see in my own life. The times where I cannot control this journey have been the most difficult for me, and eventually the most rewarding when I release control and trust God with the details.) As you watch the scene unfold you can see in this beautiful little girls face, posture, and tone of voice the battle that is going on inside of her. "I don't want to leave this playground, but my mom knows what is best for me, but I don't want to leave this playground." The battle between what I WANT and what is BEST is all to familiar for me. God thank you for never giving up on me. Thank you for reminding me over and over that there is a plan even when I don't understand it. Thank you for helping me to "leave the playground" when I am not ready yet and trust that you will guide me safely where I need to go.

I am so thankful for the wisdom that surrounds us. For friends online who have literally been there (to our orphanage on their own journey) to local friends who will speak truth to us as needed and validate our decisions when we need them to. I am so thankful for all of the education we have access to that will help us be the best possible parents to Isaac.

I realize that just as the parenting books I read in preparation for giving birth could never truly prepare me for the unique experience we had bringing our daughter into this world, these resources too can only paint a picture of what could be. I know that no amount of studying is going to make me the perfect mom but I also know I'd be foolish to not use this time to the best of my ability.

Please pray for us as we learn to walk on this new journey. There will be a million moments where we will have to look at what is best for Caraline and what is best for Isaac (which will often be different) and find some way to live in between. Pray for Cara as she adjusts to sharing her world with her brother. Pray for Isaac, that God would prepare him for our family and that his attachment process would go smoothly.