Radio Silence and a Night of Many Tears

Tonight we had to discipline Cara. She spent upwards of 10 min chewing the same bite of food and refusing to swallow her dinner. After much negotiation and numerous explanations about what would happen if she refused to eat her dinner, we felt we needed to stick to the boundaries we had set and send her to an early bedtime without stories. This is a sad punishment for us too because some of the most priceless memories are made as we tuck our sweet child into bed. Even as we went through the bedtime routine tonight and we were all sad I reminded her that she wasn't a bad kid, she was a very good girl who made a bad decision tonight.

Afterward I sat in the hallway outside her room. I promised to talk to her and help her calm down if she stopped crying. As I sat outside her door and listened to "Mommy I need you" and responded with "You're okay and I love you sooo much," I cried. Not just because I wanted to curl up with my little girl and assure her of my love but because not far down the hall sits another empty bedroom and a child somewhere is crying "Mommy I need you." But it's more than just a door and an unfinished dinner that separates me from my son.

This week the laws surrounding the adoption tax credit changed. Our family is no longer eligible for the nearly $13,000 tax credit we were planning to use to reimburse a portion of our adoption expenses. Somehow for me this was more than just money, it felt like a slap in the face of an already difficult journey.

In the midst of all this I feel like I am lost in radio silence. Our social worker retired and no one has contacted us about meeting with a new one. The only contact I receive is a generic newsletter sent sporadically to everyone associated with our orphanage. But what's worse than the silence from the adoption agencies is the silence I am feeling from God.

I can relate to how David feels in these excerpts from Psalm77:

I yell out to my God, I yell with all my might,
I yell at the top of my lungs. He listens.

^2-6 I found myself in trouble and went looking for my Lord;
my life was an open wound that wouldn’t heal.
When friends said, “Everything will turn out all right,”
I didn’t believe a word they said.
I remember God—and shake my head.
I bow my head—then wring my hands.
I’m awake all night—not a wink of sleep;
I can’t even say what’s bothering me.
I go over the days one by one,
I ponder the years gone by...

^{11-12 ...}Once again I’ll go over what God has done,
lay out on the table the ancient wonders;
I’ll ponder all the things you’ve accomplished,
and give a long, loving look at your acts.

^13-15 O God! Your way is holy!
No god is great like God!
You’re the God who makes things happen;
you showed everyone what you can do—
You pulled your people out of the worst kind of trouble,
rescued the children of Jacob and Joseph.

 

It's hard to remain confident as wave after wave of bad news or no news crashes over us. When God speaks clearly I am the first to do whatever is asked, but when God is silent I can become restless. That is why God has blessed me with Bill to run this marathon with (and it is a marathon). Tonight as my tears ran down my face my husband assured me of the many times we have heard God's voice calling us to be a family for the fatherless.

 

I think I already posted the lyrics to the song "You are I am"... it came on the radio again last night and I am always encouraged by the chorus:

 

You're the one who conquers giants
You're the one who calls out kings
You shut the mouths of lions
You tell the dead to breathe
You're the one who walks through fire
You take the orphan's hand
You are the one Messiah
You are I am

 

I know that even though I am not the one holding Ugi's hand tonight (even if no one is) God is there whispering "you're okay and I love you soooo much." He will take his hand and guide him to us at the right time.

 

It's hard surrendering the timeline I have for my family. It's become a daily thing. I try hard to pretend like I don't have a timeline, but it sneaks up on me and every now and then I look at the calendar and I'm angry that he still isn't home and that Cara is still asking "when mommy?" Some days it feels like I am letting her down but I have to trust that one day we will all look back and it will make sense. These years will feel like a blip and a lifetime of memories will wash away the loneliness we feel now.

 

God is good. I see that everyday in Cara's smile and my ability to stay home with her. I feel it each morning as my feet hit the floor. He will provide if it's $5 or $15,000. Even in the silence I can't deny His goodness.

 

Thank you for being on this journey with us and allowing me to process my heart externally with you. Your support is everything.

 

Lauren

 

 

 

A Christmas Wish

It's been so long since we had an update that I actually forgot my password to this blog! (Although if you know me, that's not really saying much)

I remember when we finally signed the contract last year and they gave us a 9-12 month time frame, I thought to myself that we might still be in Uganda but the thing we knew for sure was that we'd be celebrating Christmas as a family somewhere. I remember being worried that I might miss Cara's 3rd birthday or Nick and Katie's wedding. I am so thankful that Bill and I were able to be home for both of these wonderful family moments.

It has obviously been a long road since then. We're not even sure if Ugi has been born yet! I feel like I already know him and I just can't wait to squish his little tummy and hold him close. It's hard feeling like a big part of your family is missing, but I know it's not forever.

We did recieve some good news today. The agency was able to match one family this week with a child from our orphange. This is actually huge since it's been too many months to count since they've been able to make a match at all. It also means we move up a spot on the list...hello #7 :). They also had one family from our list decide to accept a child from Hong Kong (we don't know if this family was before us or after us on the waiting list, so this may or may not affect us but it's awesome to know another family got their Christmas wish).

They also increased our fees by $550 because they are going to work on processing the birth certificate and passport at the moment of matching a family instead of waiting for the court date. In a way this could be risky if the family is denied the right ot adopt in court, but so far that hasn't happened. They didn't spell it all out, but the reason for the change is because it has been taking families so long get these documents after their court dates. If I am reading through the lines correctly, this might mean a longer stay in country (less hotel fees, meals out, and most importantly less time away from Caraline when we travel). So I am choosing to take this as all good news.

I also had one of the children I watch decide to sign up for preschool as of January. I am choosing to believe God is freeing up my schedule for a reason but also trying not to get my hopes up.

So it's a lot of prayer and staying positive on our end. How are things with you?

Lonely Sister

Cara now asks me often when she will get to meet her brother. She has picked out Christmas presents for him. She is looking forward to taking tubbies together and she is constantly putting aside books and toys to save for him one day (even at other peoples houses!)

She is getting more lonely these days. Whenever we have friends over and it's time to nap or go home Cara will look at me sadly and say "I want my friend back." It's hard to be stuck in a place with no progress but it is hardest for me when I see the situation through Cara's eyes.

They are sending a team to Uganda in May to do more work on the facility and dig a new well.  In a recent email they included these photos of the orphanage. 

It's so cool to know that these kids are growing up in a beautiful place where they can laugh and play. I am going to choose to be thankful for that this Thanksgiving.

Learning From an Almost 3 Year old

It has been a really long and hard summer for me (Lauren) with the adoption and in other ways. A cloud of gloom and message of failure and rejection has followed me into almost every area of my life. This past week Bill and I took advantage of a free overnight to get away and on the way home I started to mourn. I didn't want to go back (to my amazing life mind you).

I reluctantly realized that though my struggles were real and valid, my attitude sucked. I have allowed myself to wallow in this place of selfishness where what I want should always come first. Such a place doesn't exist and I was annoyed that it couldn't exist. I was looking at my life from my perspective and I felt inadequate and unvalued at the same time.

Then, this week, I watched my almost 3 year old. She fell on the floor and although she was uninjured and perfectly capable of getting up, she laid there and begged for me to pick her up off the ground; which I lovingly did.

Cara has also learned which buttons to push to manipulate a situation. For example, She knows that, because she is newly potty trained, if she asks for me to take her to the bathroom, I will drop everything and run. She has learned how to get her way. She has developed her own desires and will do whatever it takes to make them a reality.

How different am I at 30 than she is at almost 3? I have my own desires and expectations and I am disappointed when they are not met. I have an agenda and I do everything within my control and abilities to accomplish it. (And I am annoyed about what gets in my way that I can't control.)

I am beyond capable of doing all the things that God is asking of me but instead I lay on the floor lazily because I'd rather complain then get up. Yet He picks me up over and over again and reminds me that I can do it all with His help.

When I look at Cara my heart breaks because I can see the bigger pictured for her. I know what skipping a nap now will mean for her day and her attitude. All she sees are the immediate things she'd rather do. When I move her in a direction she doesn't want to go, I know it's for the best, but she just thinks I am cruel or that I don't care what she wants.

It's the same with God. He looks at my broken heart and wishes I could see the bigger picture. What feels like endless delays for me is really God's incredible timing. What feels like failure in not having a second kid already God has given me as the gift of extended time with my daughter to be treasured.

When I approach my life from my selfish perspective it feels broken and overwhelming. Can you imagine what life would be like if Jesus had gone to the cross thinking about what was best for him? I  have been seeing failures, rejections and delays. God has been seeing a stuborn kid who won't pick herself up off the floor to see all the amazing things just steps beyond her reach.

I know that if Bill or Cara's life were in danger I would trade my life for theirs in a heartbeat without even having to think about it. I love them more than myself and in that moment the choice would be simple. What God showed me today is that he isn't asking me to die for them in one brave moment. He is asking me to die to myself (my plans, expectations, desires, and the right to be put first) every single day and to put my families needs before my own in every moment. Ultimately to trust Him as He guides my family. To know that what God is asking of me in this moment seems unfair (like Cara's nap time) but that it's really what is best for the bigger picture.

So, just like an almost 3 year old, now I know better but I still don't really want to do it. So please pray that I would be able to trust God, get off my a$$, and start seeing the good in my life instead of all the ways it isn't going according to "plan".
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Thank You to Bill who has been nothing but patient and supportive in all the crazy things God has allowed to come my way this summer. I love you! You're amazing.

Update from Uganda

Many of you know that waiting is waiting. There aren't a lot of details in the waiting. Tonight we recieved the montly update from our adoption agency.

"I have received word from Ken and Cathy of at least 3 children at Tender Hearts who will likely be eligible for adoption over the next couple of months so we hope to be making some matches during that time. We have also received word from Pastor John at Kidron Valley of 4 girls who may also be available for adoption. The staff in Uganda are working diligently to get these children paper ready for referral to a prospective adoptive family. "

So that's all that we know for now.

Thank you to everyone who is waiting with us. Please continue to pray for us and for Ugi as we continue to trust God with the timing and ongoing journey of becoming a family.

Coming Up for Air

I love roller coasters. I love the twists and turns and upside down loops. I love how quickly you race along the track and the feeling of flying through the air. They could be terrifying if you didn't trust the engineer and all the safety equipment that harnesses you in, but if you trust the mechanics of it, it can be a truly unbelieveable ride. One time I was at Six flags with my youth group and one of the students was nervous. "What if my harness comes undone?" I assured her it would be fine but the more I stood in line and thought about the answer to that question, I got a little nervous myself. You see I started to doubt.

Why do I share this with you? Because the month of July was one of the worst roller coasters I have ever been on! We were thrilled to be nearing the end of our dossier paperwork. All we needed was one last piece of paper to arrive in the mail and we would be able to place a huge check mark on our "to do" list.

I hadn't heard anything from the agency in Kentucky (despite having sent in a ton of photos and documents over a week ago) so I decided to place a phone call to follow up. The day unraveled from there and ended with me in a ball on the couch sobbing. Several of our documents were missing. Big important documents that involved fingerprinting, state clearances, expensive fees and long waits.

I called our agency in NJ that is helping us with our home study and adoptive parent classes, to see if they knew where the paperwork was. Turns out they had it (roller coaster goes back up a bit) but they refused to release it to the Kentucky agency because another document was missing. (small drop)This document is similar to the HIPPA laws in medical care. It has to be signed by us and both agencies saying that it's legal for all of our information to be shared between one another. The NJ office had received an email on June 12th saying our inter agency agreement never went through (mind you this was almost a full month prior to my phone call and no one called to tell us this). The impact of this document being missing meant that our ENTIRE process needed to be thrown out, redone, and that the agency in NJ could loose it's license for adoption (my roller coaster took a huge gut wrenching drop).

To top it all off several of the people needed to sign these documents were on overlapping vacations and couldn't fix anything until they got back!

In the same day I called back to the Kentucky agency to make them aware of the inter agency error and was met with more bad news. Our FBI/US Immigration paperwork was filled out incorrectly by the government agent and had been sent incorrect to Uganda. I had no idea what the ramifications of this would be but I knew it was bad and possibly costly. My roller coaster felt stuck upside down in a loop.

In the end I worked my butt off to get all the documents corrected and in their proper destinations. Several overnight fedex bills later, things seemed to be right again with the world. The roller coster was almost back on track. Now we were only waiting to have our government forms corrected and they were avoiding my very frequent calls.

In the midst of it all I felt like I was drowning. I began to doubt God's goodness and control. I didn't think my harness would hold. I mean I knew it in my heart but my heart was broken. My roller coaster was out of control and I felt like my harness was coming undone.

On Friday, July 20th I was nearly numb as I drove to an adoption support group at a local church. Part of me wondered if there was even an adoption to support anymore. However, after talking with some of the families in attendance (and running into an old friend from high school that's also adopting) it was like coming up for air.

Our family had been supportive and compassionate about the disappointment and outrage over so many human errors delaying our adoption process, but it's nearly impossible to understand the journey unless you've walked it yourself. These families were able to remind me once again that we are not adopting because Cara needs a younger brother (even though she's soooo excited  about it), we're adopting because God has given us a heart to love the wounded. To unconditionally love children who will do their best to tear our lives apart and make us believe they're unlovable. To raise children who have been forgotten, abused and tossed aside and who will always live in fear of it happening again. Without using the direct words these families unknowlingly assured me that it's worth it, because if we don't love these kids, who will?

On July 27th (my30th birthday) we got an email from the adoption agency saying that two new families traveled home in July (yeah!!!) but that they have not been able to make any new matches in over 4 months! There is a lot of politics and paperwork in the way of these poor children coming home.

Just as I was about to hit the emergency break and reconsider if the roller coaster ride was worth it, we found out on August 1st (9 months exactly into our official process) that our paperwork was all in and approved. Just a few days later we found out that we're officially family #8 on the waiting list for our orphanage. It will still be a long wait (possibly even more than a year) to be matched but we've reached a huge checkpoint in the process. A lot it still unknown but what is known is that even when it feels out of control and the heartbreak seems unbearable, God is still at work.

So in the words of our good friend Melody, "Let the countdown begin!"

Lies

This summer I (Lauren) took a job teaching at a christian summer camp. It has been truly wonderful to connect with the kids and share my passion for God with them. What I was not prepared for was the added spiritual battle. Almost immediately I've been feeling like Eeyore with an added cloud of gloom following me around in everything I do. Some days are easier than other but this past week and a half has been almost unbearable.

Sometimes when you're walking around in a cloud of gloom the simplest lies can seem believable. One of the main lies that has been trying to take over my thoughts is that this adoption is never actually going to happen.

Last week my mother-in-law (Cathy Kamps) spoke some great wisdom into my cloud of gloom. She told me to cling to what I know to be truth and to ignore anything else. Today as I was feeling particularly burdened I turned to scripture and found the same wisdom and hope in Psalm 40.

"Do not withhold your mercy from me, O Lord; may your LOVE and TRUTH always protect me. For troubles without number surround me...my heart fails within me. Be pleased, O Lord to save me; O Lord come quickly to help me."

So here's what I know to be truth in this situation:

TRUTH: We have an amazing marriage built on a great friendship
TRUTH: We are united in our desire to adopt internationally
TRUTH: God has been with us through every step of this journey from day 1.
TRUTH: Despite a tight budget God has provided every penny we have needed for the almost $10,000 in adoption bills we have paid thus far.
TRUTH: God is in control of this process, it's timing, and who will become part of our family.
TRUTH: We have passed every interview and perceived road block with flying colors.

So tonight I rest in truth, ignore the lies and I trust in God.