There is a pumpkin on my porch that has the words "Happy Thanksgiving" beautifully caligraphied on the front. What isn't as easily seen is that the pumpkin is slowly rotting from the inside out. The only evidence is a small black spot on the back that gets slightly larger each day. I don't know if it will make it to thanksgiving. Some days I am not so sure I will either.
Everyday I am tempted to cross out the word "Happy" and let the whole world in on the secret that I am hiding. This Thanksgiving doesn't feel 'happy'. I am battling the lie that this somehow makes me a bad Christian. Everyday I talk myself out of crossing out the 'happy' because the pumpkin is pretty and ruining that won't help anyone understand.
I will be thankful this Thanksgiving. Of course I will. I only need to sneak a peak into the next room to see that sweet little face and recall a million reasons to be thankful. I only need to set foot in my husbands school to be proud of the huge impact he is making there and know that God has blessed me richly with a man I can both love and respect. Five minutes on the phone with my Mom or a quick text from a friend and the list gets longer. There is so much to be thankful for...
And then the black spot on my pumpkin grows bigger. I think of Thanksgiving and the wound in my heart is fresh again. My mother-in-law can be found saying at almost every birthday and holiday "I am just so thankful all my kids are here!" She looks around the table and her heart is full. I look around the table and I see an empty chair.
My pumpkin is rotting with the word "happy" on the front. I don't know if that metaphore will make as much sense to you as it does to me.
The news from Uganda is not good. Things in the country are changing and international adoption might not be an option, at least for a while. There are two children who MIGHT make it out before the freeze but both children are wildly outside the boundaries we set for this adoption. Under normal circumstances we would never have even been told they exist (you are only ever referred a child that fits within the extensive parameters you set in your dossier paperwork).
We don't know what God would have us do next. We sit at His throne fully surrendered.
In the meantime I ache. I still wish we were in Uganda and not making holiday pies. Another mother said it perfectly tonight and I tried to copy and paste it here but technology got in the way. If you got here via Facebook I shared this mothers comment on our wall. Please go read it. She understands.
It is not that there isn't joy. It is not that there isn't peace. It is not that there isn't thankfulness this holiday. It is just that every heartwarming moment is ever so slightly altered by the fact that someone is missing it. I long to share my birthdays and holidays with a full table.
Even if it never happens this side of Heaven I know that God is in control and I have an eternity of celebrating to do with every orphan that ever needed a Momma.
I know that my broken heart comes from God, that might sound like He is mean. It has nothing to do with my circumstances or my pumpkin. God has broken my heart for these orphans. He has allowed me to see the world through His eyes and I can't unsee it.
I know that God will sustain me. I know that He is with me. I trust His plan. He wouldn't place such a burden on me and not use it for good.
In the meantime please pray for our family as you share your reasons to be thankful this holiday. Thanks.
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