Our Greatest Teachers

Once again I am humbled as I learn some of life's most difficult lessons through my children.

Have you ever heard a song so often that you can sing along without even realizing you're doing so? That happens to me a lot in the car because I listen to K-LOVE and they tend to repeat songs a lot throughout the day (this drives Bill crazy but I love it because I know all the words and so does Cara. It is often quite the concert in the Subaru).

The downside to this is that I don't always stop and really think about the words I am singing because in a way I am multitasking my worship. My heart is always in it, but sometimes there are great truths in front of me and all I'm humming is the melody.

This past Sunday, Bill led the church in a song called "Oceans" by Hillsongs. It is a song about one of the most impressive moments in human faith (if you ask me); when Simon Peter steps out of the boat and onto the water to walk with Jesus.

Side Note: Ever since we learned that the match fell through in August/September I have been inundated with messages about the life of Simon Peter. At conferences, through devotionals, as I watch speakers I love on YouTube, as I read books about discipleship...Simon Peter, Simon Peter, Simon Peter. It's been like a broken record of irony in my life. Usually people just call him by the name Jesus gave him..."Peter", but for whatever reason the new trend seems to be to identify him as 'Simon Peter' when preaching or writing about his life. It is probably just me, because my heart is so tender toward that name, but it has been everywhere I look.

As we find ourselves in yet another season of waiting for life changing circumstances of which we have no control, I am damaged. We have been told that against-all-odds Simon might come home. They said we can be "cautiously optimistic." To be perfectly honest, I am so scared to do that. Simon was taken from us before and the odds are no more in our favor this time than before. I KNOW that God is writing an incredible story through his life and that every detail is intentional and important. What I don't know is if we are just reoccuring characters for a mid season finale or if we have been cast as the permanent parents in Simon's life. So I have been hesitant to trust.

We also decided to be 100% in submission to God's will and we stopped using birth control once they officially told us Simon's case was closed. As I write this I am 6 days late. If we are pregnant we are not allowed to pursue an adoption. We aren't sure if it is Ugandan law or USA law or just agency policy for adoption but either way the answer is the same. If pregnancy occurs we are taken off the perspective parent list until the baby is 6 months old.

So needless to say I've been silently freaking out, because no one knows the news about Simon. It has taken everything in me not to text my friends freaking out about something I know they can do nothing about. Something in me just feels the need to tell anyone and everyone....except God. Because God might say, "this is my plan and it is good." He might not agree with me that this is the worst possible moment in history to get pregnant, I mean, look at Mary. Her circumstances weren't exactly ideal but they were exactly what they needed to be to play out one of the most essential moments in God's greatest love story. When he sent his son. [I'm not saying I'm Mary, I'm just pointing out that God isn't always in the business of adjusting to our ideas of  "perfect timing".]

I have been down this road long enough to know that if the one person I don't want to go to about something is God than that is exactly who I am supposed to be going to about it. So all this week I have been reciting "Lean not on your own understanding, in all your ways acknowledge him and HE will make your paths straight." Over and over, every time I have been tempted to worry..."lean not on YOUR own UNDERSTANDING." Every time I am tempted to text someone who will validate all my fears and freak out with me..."in ALL your ways acknowledge HIM".

Then this morning we sang Oceans. A song about a man named Simon Peter who had faith without borders. Who trusted God in the storm from inside the boat and proved it by stepping out of the boat. He was human; he started to doubt and he started to sink, but in the midst of fear trying to take over he called out to Jesus and held on with all the strength that he had.

I am so glad that my son's name is Simon Peter because bringing him home has made me step out of the boat more times than I ever wanted to. The story of his namesake has given me courage when I had none. Read the words to this song, even if you know it and you sing it several times a day without thinking. The story is remarkable. I need a faith without borders, I need to be challenged to trust God when my own understanding says life doesn't add up.

You call me out upon the waters
The great unknown where feet may fail
And there I find You in the mystery
In oceans deep
My faith will stand

And I will call upon Your name
And keep my eyes above the waves
When oceans rise
My soul will rest in Your embrace
For I am Yours and You are mine

Your grace abounds in deepest waters
Your sovereign hand
Will be my guide
Where feet may fail and fear surrounds me
You've never failed and You won't start now

Spirit lead me where my trust is without borders
Let me walk upon the waters
Wherever You would call me
Take me deeper than my feet could ever wander
And my faith will be made stronger
In the presence of my Savior

I will call upon Your Name
Keep my eyes above the waves
My soul will rest in Your embrace
I am Yours and You are mine

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We could be pregnant. We could not be pregnant. We could get a call in 4 weeks time to say that we are applying for a court date to bring Simon home. We could get all call 2 weeks after that saying someone came to get him and it's canceled. We could fly all the way to Uganda and the judge could say no. We could be pregant, get the call, still be allowed to adopt (because God can move any mountain even man made laws if necessary [think Daniel and the Lions Den], have to travel in 3 weeks and be home with Simon before his 2nd birthday....

There are a lot of "what if's" and unknowns, but I am asking God to keep my eyes above all that and grow my trust in Him and His plan for our lives. He never makes mistakes. MY UNDERSTANDING is so limited. I have to trust in HIS.