Honest

Everyone is meeting together in Uganda next week. I am not even sure what they plan to discuss or what options are on the table. At first I was frustrated with the timing...NEXT week! Why does everything have to be so slow?

Then I realized that I need this time for God to prepare my heart. I have been telling everyone that I am seeking God with unyielding intensity because I need to know if Simon is our son. I need to know if He is asking us to take this on.

Just now I realized that I am not being truly honest. I have been pushing myself to believe that God can do anything, that we could win this case even if everything in the file is against us because God can do anything! This is true, but it is only one way it could go. Please don't confuse this with doubt. I have seen God do incredible things and I know that he can do more than we can even ask or imagine. But I also know that sometimes John the baptist is beheaded, and Lazarus dies so that a greater miracle can be seen. Sometimes those we love are healed by leaving this world for heaven when we would much rather have had a miracle cure and more time together on earth. I can't put God in a box and assume that the only way our story can truly bring God glory is if Simon comes home.

My Mom has a good friend that always says "Don't ask the question if you aren't prepared for the answer." What she means by this is that there is more than one answer to most questions and sometimes we fall apart when we don't get the answer we want. We have to be prepared for ALL possible answers before we ask the question. I realized today that while I have been claiming to be listening for God to speak, I have only been willing to hear one answer... There is more than one answer to this question.

So today as I ask it again, "is Simon forever our son? Are we his forever home?" I am also asking God to help me be brave. I asked him to help me hear his voice even if it isn't what I want to hear. I am asking him to be clear. I have realized that if I truly want to have confidence that God's answer is 'yes' I have to be willing to hear him say 'no' or 'wait' or 'stay' or 'go' or "..."      Otherwise I will always wonder if this is just something I talked myself into or something I forced because of my own selfishness in wanting it to be Simon.

I know we were called to this adoption process.
I know we were called to Uganda.
I need to know if we are called to continue at all cost.

Even as I write that I feel peace filling my heart. Whatever the answer.



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I wonder sometimes about those of you that follow this blog that don't believe in God. I must seem batty to you. I guess it is something you will never fully understand until you are willing to trust God with your whole heart. In high school I vowed to pursue God until it stopped making sense. Even now in the midst of all this up and down it still makes more sense to me than anything else in my life.