I think these are one of the most frustrating things in the world. As I found myself on my knees in tears once again I looked over to see Cara's underneath her table. I glared at it at first. It felt like such a perfect metaphor for the frustration I was feeling. Eventually I picked it up and began spinning the squares around. It's frustrating because you know there is a solution...other people have been able to do it...some people even find it easy, but to you, it's impossible. There are even websites you can go to that will break down the formula for you so you can solve your cube. However they do not work on the 'Dora the Explorer' version.
I sat there spinning it around in my hand. I thought maybe if I could solve this cube I could somehow solve the chaos swirling inside me (or at least distract myself enough to calm down). It didn't take long for me to realize that I wasn't magically going to understand how to solve either.
So I smashed it.
Maybe if it is in pieces I can start over. Snap things back in place like they were supposed to be and then super glue it so that it can never get messy again.
Turns out. I can't do that either. So I am left with the mess and I have to face it. The rubik's cube is in the trash but my broken heart is unavoidable.
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The news came in the form of an email. It was brief and without explanation. "We have decided to pull Simon's case from the international adoption list. We will begin searching for someone to adopt him domestically"
We knew the lawyers had met to discuss Simon's case. We knew the answer could be anything. There was no question that God was able to bring Simon home to us. We just couldn't get clarity on if that was the plan. Turns out it wasn't the plan.
I didn't even want to be in my home. God why did you give us a 5 bedroom house if you were just going to leave it empty? Why take 3 years to prepare us for this only to close the door? Why can't I hear you?
So I sat in my car and listened to the rain. I texted a few key friends who I knew would pray without asking a million questions (even though I know they had a million questions).
"God has once again closed the door for us on Simon.We could really use your prayers. I feel like I am stuck in a room and all the doors are locked. My life right now is incredible, there is not a single bad thing. God is actually using us to make a huge impact in a lot of ways. I just thought God was preparing us for more. It kind of feels like we were trained for the olympics only to find out they canceled our event without telling us. So here we are ready for anything and our answer is nothing. More of the same. I just need help walking with God in this new normal. Thanks"
The storm around me is raging too strong to step in any direction at the moment. All I could do is stand firm and wait out the day. As I sat, I felt God say "Sometimes extraordinary is just 'extra ordinary' with the space for me to move."
So more of the same it is. And we will wait for God to move. Still as we stood up to go to bed last night I was overwhelmed with grief. I had waited out the day but tomorrow I had to begin again with no promise of any relief from this storm. I fell asleep crying. I woke up crying...but still standing because HE is my rock and my refuge.
I don't know what the future holds but I know who holds the future. It's all I have but thankfully it's all I need.
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