I have spent a lot of time over the past several months bracing for impact. I fully expected this year to be the hardest year of my life. I think it still will be, but I never expected this year to also be the best year of my life. I have been completely taken over by the unlimited joy and gratitude we are experiencing. Everything I have read prior to traveling told me to dig deep and hold on to the reasons we began this process because it might be hard to remember why we wanted this after we were living it daily. I was warned about tantrums for the record books and days /nights when my pillow would seem like a distant memory. That's all true, but no one told me it would be this beautiful.
This week I have struggled to put into words the beauty of what we are living in right now.
Last night I was driving home late and thinking about what I was coming home to. I thought to myself "Abraham must have danced." We know that Sarah laughed because Isaac's name means laughter, but I bet they also danced. When you are living on the other side of waiting you almost feel weightless. After years of waiting on God's promise, praying for patience, crying out for the strength to find hope and continue believing in what is unseen...you are left speechless. The waiting is over. The promise is fulfilled and in front of you in a way you can touch and squish and kiss goodnight. It makes my heart delight in ways that I can't find words for.
This week as I listened to Christian radio and read the verses for each day I saw the theme of waiting. I thought of all of those days when I clung to those types of verses with a heavy and exhausted heart. I read those passages now and waves of gratitude come rushing. Somehow this remarkable promise, this impossible situation is now filling my days with laughter and joy. The finances we didn't have. The timeline we couldn't control. The ocean we had to cross. The endless waiting. It is all behind us.
This moment proved true this past Thursday. Isaac and I picked up Cara after school like we always do and we headed to the playground. The play yard was full of parents and kids enjoying the last few rays of afternoon sunshine before Friday's expected snowstorm (so much for spring!). I sat down on a bench off to the side of all the parents and just watched my kids play. One by one the other families left for this and that. Last year this would have been a sad day. Cara would have wanted to stay and play longer but she would inevitably become bored by herself and declare that we should "just go home." Not today. Even when we were the last family left in the yard I listened to the deafening sound of laughter. I watched as Cara shouted "Isaac try to catch me" and the both dashed off just thrilled with the chase. Isaac's little body can barely contain the joy he feels as he plays with his sister. As he gets more excited he begins to run on his tip toes and puff out his chest. His arms trail behind him like they just can't catch up with the joy that is pulling his heart forward. Sometimes I half expect him to just lift off the ground and fly right up to heaven. His eyes radiate a love and joy I have never known before. It is like he is glowing.
Cara is no different. As her hair whips around her face she laughs and squeals with delight. When she looks back and sees Isaac chasing her with his big toothy grin she giggles. She runs past me and just yells "Mom!" like she too can't come up with the words to express how much fun she is having.
After an hour or so Cara crashed under the play equipment to take a break from running. Not to be undone Isaac plops down right on top her her and smushes his face into her coat. "Isaac!" Cara says momentarily annoyed. "Oh, he just wants to hug you." I say. Again Cara is laughing as she gives him a big squeeze and he squeals. Then they just lay there in a pile of exhausted fun, nose to nose, smiling at each other. It's not long before a new game begins.
I have never seen two people who are more thankful for each other than Isaac and Cara. They both waited a long time for the other and neither one has forgotten what it is like to be alone.
Growing up I was the kind of kid who was lucky enough to realize I had it good. I would write letters to my teachers at the end of the year to thank them for inspiring me. I would write birthday cards to my parents with long messages thanking them for all they had done for me in the past year. I loved my brother and I cherished the times when we hung out as friends. When he went away to college I mourned the empty room across the hall. Still, I know I took a lot for granted. I look at Isaac and I see someone who would willingly walk through hell as long as we could all go together. He is teaching me how special it is to have a family. It is not guaranteed and it is not to be wasted. He would rather sit on the couch and watch me take a phone call then go off and play alone. To him nothing is fun unless there is someone you love to share it with.
We see it everyday when Bill comes home. When all four of us are in the same room Isaac just bounces with energy. He often calls for all of us and then grabs us all by the neck and forces us into a family pile on the couch. He LOVES group hugs and he doesn't let go. He just shouts "Mommy, Daddy, Ky-a" over and over. "Huggie! Huggie!"
If we are headed somewhere on the weekends, Isaac is the first to do role call. "Mommy car?" , "Daddy car?", "Cara car?", "Isaac car?" - Yes, Isaac we are all going together. He often repeats the line of questioning over and over until he is confident that we aren't splitting up. Yet this past Friday we were blessed with the opportunity for Mommy and Daddy to go on a quick date. Our neighbor and her daughter came over to play with Cara and Isaac. We explained it to Isaac over and over for two hours that we were just going somewhere to eat and we would be back to put him to bed. "No bye bye" He would say more as a question then anything else. In the end he let us leave without any fuss. When we came home you could hear the laughter through the front door. The kids were at it again. At first Isaac couldn't see me behind Bill and there was a slight panic as he asked "Mommy?!" When I peaked my head around Bill Isaac yelled "Mommy!" and then immediately ran back to play. All he needs to know is that we are there and all is right with the world.
It is simply priceless. This week when people asked me how it was going it felt like "great" just wasn't enough. There are still moments that are hard. There are still times when I see Isaac begin to scratch at the back of his neck and I know he is anxious and unable to find words to express what has him upset. We still battle over the occasional meal, but we are living in a promise fulfilled and I see God's love overflowing in every detail.
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