God is Not Like Mommy

As we manage to get out of the house more and more I have been so humbled by the number of people that ask me about this blog.  So many of you have read it faithfully and already feel like you know our sweet boy in a personal way. I could not be more thankful for all of your prayers and kind words. Many of you have encouraged me to keep writing, so here goes…

The days are so real now and they come one right after another like endless waves on the ocean shore. The waiting was hard, oh so very hard and God used it to break me, build me and strengthen my resolve. He used it to clarify and solidify this irreversible decision for our family. However, I realize now that even the unbearable season of waiting was just a baby step in a huge process of growth for me. It’s similar to the college experience in a way.  It was such an intense time of growing up for me. While I was going through it I felt overwhelmed at times and seemed to barely survive the roommates and the finals, but after I entered the “real world”, post degree, I suddenly realized that I had more free time in college than I would ever have again in my lifetime.

Perhaps it’s not the best analogy but it makes sense to me. You see college is hard and there are moments that stretched me further than I’d ever been stretched before. In fact there were times in the semester when it was the hardest thing I’d ever had to face…yet.

My “yet” is now changing for me on a daily basis. Sometimes I’ve barely had time to process the last “yet” moment and I find myself face to face with something even harder. The NEW hardest thing I’ve ever had to face.

I wish that I could say that I have always gotten it right. I wish I could say that I have remained in perfect peace like it says in Isaiah 26:3. The truth is that I have failed a lot. All the training and seminars in the world cannot prepare you for what it is like to love a complete stranger as if they were never a stranger at all. It is a beautiful mess of miracles and meltdowns.

Oh my sweet, sweet children. Please know that everyday Mommy does her best to love you unconditionally. Please know that even when I fail, God will never fail you.

I am so thankful for the grace that comes new with every morning (or every meltdown – mine or theirs). I know that even on the days I yell or lose my patience quicker than I would like, I am forgiven. It doesn’t change the wrong I have done but it does give me the chance to go to my kids with a humble heart and ask for a chance to try again tomorrow.

I confess that there are days when I discipline out of anger or exhaustion. When I hear the words coming out of my mouth (or the tone with which I am saying them) and somehow wish I could stop myself from saying another word. I send them into time out because we all need space and my heart races as I think “How did I get to this place again?”  I call it “scary mommy.” Sometimes I wonder if labeling it was a bad idea but at least it will give the kids something to tell their therapist one day. I choose that title because I saw it one day in their faces. Mommy needed a time out (which I took) and I would calmly come back and ask for their forgiveness, but I had scared them. I yelled louder than necessary. The moments and days that followed were a strange mix of beautiful intimate moments and times when the kids walked on egg shells around me. It killed me inside to know that I had to earn their trust again.

Everyday I learn how to love them a little better. I know which child needs a gentle word and which needs firm boundaries. I remind myself that setbacks are to be expected and no to take rejection personally. I celebrate small victories like the fact that Isaac can finally say “bus” with an “s” sound instead of a “t” sound. It always made us laugh but it made for awkward public moments when Isaac would excitedly shout “Mommy cool butt” instead of “Mommy, look a school Bus.”

I am also learning how to love myself better. I am learning when to let the guilt and shame go and simply ask my kids for a fresh start. I am learning how to ask for help and when to take a break. I am learning that saying “no” to opportunities is a good thing for our family right now and that it is okay to hang back and let someone else meet the needs in our community for a while. My world has both increased immensely and shrunk down all at the same time. Mommy means a lot more than it did just 5 months ago.

As often as I can remember I try to see the events of my day through a new filter that helps me see the triggers and the fears behind the behaviors. I offer "redo's" instead of a constant stream of "time out."

I am once again being stretched father than I ever thought possible. I look back on the rollercoaster of waiting and I think at least there were moments to regroup before the next wave hit... but mostly I find myself thankful (exhausted but thankful). Thankful for family and friends for facebook and Fridays. I am thankful for every smile and fresh start.

Thank you to everyone that asks how we are doing and waits to hear the stories, good & bad. I'll do my best to keep this window into our life open. I'm learning a lot and maybe someone else will benefit from my mistakes and victories.