A 'Tenderheart' Moment

Many people have been asking us lately if there have been any updates with our adoption. After many question filled emails to our agency and back I can finally say yes, we have an update. We are now family #5 on the waiting list (we started at #8). Our standing was unclear for a while because many families on the list were beginning to consider children outside of the Uganda program but they won't officially take them off our waiting list until things are finalized within the other program (for good reason because two of the families were matched and then had birth mothers change their mind).

The family that was matched from our orphanage in December received their court date: April 17th. This falls exactly within the anticipated 4 month wait between being matched and traveling for your court hearing. We are watching this family closely because there have been many changes to the Uganda program over the past year and this family is the first to travel under the new timeline of documentation. I am very curious to see how long it takes them to travel home after their court date. Previous families have been told to expect at least 6 weeks, but this new timeline may bring them home faster. We'll see.

We are also in the process of redoing our home study, abuse clearances and fingerprinting. The other complication of a long wait is that formal documentation expires :( We had our reinspection on Thursday, March 28th and everything seems to be coming together with our approvals and documentation. Yipee!

So how have we been?

Waiting is never fun, but I continue to remind myself that we are waiting on God and not on the government, the paperwork, or the orphanage. It is easy to get frustrated by the process. It's unorganized and unpredictable. But through it all we know that God is faithful.

Several weeks ago I was driving to my friend Lisa's house to pick up something and I became overwhelmed with emotion. I said out loud to myself and God "this is an unexpected tender hearted moment" and then I began to cry harder because without meaning to, I had spoken the name of our orphanage (Tenderheart) and it made me miss our son even more. What was getting me choked up was the beauty of the friendship between Lisa's daughters. I had just gotten done showing Cara a video of the girls playing ball together. They are at an amazing age right now. They know a few words but mostly all you hear from them are squeaks and giggles. Watching Natalie and Noelle play together is absolutely priceless. They make each other laugh constantly. Cara adores them. Her favorite thing to do is pretend to chase them and then say "tickle, tickle, tickle" because it makes them laugh so hard. There was a part of my heart that was breaking in that moment because I so long for Cara to have a sibling of her own to laugh with like they do. Whenever she plays with other children Cara is her happiest. She has been so patient as she tells anyone who will listen that she is going to have a brother soon.

She collects things around the house and sets them aside for Ugi. She is planning a trip to Disney World for him (not that she's even been but she tells me she thinks he will love it). There is a growing mountain of stuffed animals, blankets, and special things in his crib. She tried to convince me that he would like her pink socks that don't fit anymore but I told her we could splurge to get him boy socks. LOL.

I have to remind myself that in the end this part of the journey will seem like a small blip in the timeline. The same way the 9 months of pregnancy can feel long and then all the sudden this little person is in your life and you're thinking "where did they come from?" Cara will not be alone forever. She's getting the exact brother God has planned for her and one day our house will be full of their laughter (and probably a few arguments...lets just be honest)

I often feel humbled that God would consider us up for the task of raising children, let alone raising children who come to us with a broken heart. The grief process for orphans is very real even if their mother never held them. They know that something is missing they just can't identify what. Children lucky enough to find themselves in an orphanage like Tenderheart are additionally burdened by having to part from their caretakers and 'brothers' and 'sisters' at the orphanage. Can you imagine growing up with a group of children, feeling like a family, and not understanding why you were taken from them? Thankfully, God is also a God of the brokenhearted. He promises to draw near to us and to bring the peace, comfort, and love that only He can.

Over and over again in scripture we see God looking out for the orphan. In Deuteronomy he commands the farmers not to pick their fields clean, but to leave behind grain for the foreigner, the orphan and the widow. In James 1:27 it says "Religion that God our Father accepts as pure and faultless is this: to look after oprhans and widows in their distress and to keep oneself from being polluted by the world." In Psalm 146:9 it says "The Lord watches over the foreigner and sustains the fatherless and the widow..." Countless times we see God hold cities accountable for mistreating their orphans and widows. He promises to hear their cries and defend them (traditionally a family is defended by the head of the household, the father...) God steps in for the fatherless and he is using us to do that. I am humbled everyday at the thought that we are a part of God's story for Ugi and he is a huge part of God's story for us! I never feel up for the task, but I know that not a single step on this journey has happened apart from God and God will continue to provide everything we need for each step of the way from patience and wisdom to practical needs. I am so thankful for a God that is bigger than me. We could not do this without him!

Overdue

There are a lot of thoughts buzzing around my head today so I apologize in advance if this blog is not my best.

The last time I sat down to write I spent nearly two hours adding pictures and updates. Once I was finished I went to spell check myself (because it's me we're talking about) and for whatever reason, everything got deleted.

So this post is long overdue.

If you haven't heard we are now #5 on the waiting list. They were able to find a home for Joan (a baby girl born blind) which is a huge praise. We also had one family put their adoption on hold due to a pregnancy of their own (here's hoping that was good news for them!). So that brings us to #5. We received an email last week saying that they hope to make a few more matches over the next few months.

In the meantime we have managed to connect with other NJ families looking to adopt from Africa. It's very comforting to hear that there are other families on this journey as well. It really normalizes things to hear other Moms share their experiences with delays and documentation errors. You can begin to think that it's your fault or that there must be more we should be doing. Having other families to check in with is great. It's also encouraging to know that there will be families that look like ours not too far away.

Almost every time I go out with Cara someone stops to tell me that we look just like each other. It hit me today while Cara and I were on a lunch date with friends when someone stopped to ask "Is that your daughter? She looks just like you!" - How will Ugi feel when he hears that? I have to trust that God will speak to his heart and help him to understand what an essential part of our family he is. I also have to remember to have a good attitude and use those moments as an opportunity to explain the beauty of adoption and how God brought our family together.

When we got married it helped me to understand God's love in a new way. It helped me to see how selfish I was and how amazing it can be to run the marathon of life with a committed partner by your side. When we had Cara I learned how instantly love can happen and how deep the bond can be between parent and child. Again I learned how selfish I was and how rewarding it can be when we begin to put others needs before our own. The world is so much more wonderful when it isn't all about me! I also began to see my faith in a whole new way through my child's eyes. Everything and everyone in the world is beautiful and valuable to her. She is never in a rush and her heart longs to spend time with those she loves (especially her friends). As we seek to bring our son home I am continuing to learn God's heart for those he loves. The way he waits patiently for us to come to him. The deep love he has for those that don't even know him yet. The beauty of taking a life lost and adopting it into your family permanently. I am sure this is just the start of many things that God plans to teach us through our adoption process. I also know that the waiting is actually the easiest part and process of bonding that is before us is sure to break my heart in a thousand ways. It will be a roller coaster of moments that take our breath away and moments where we just want to scream. But it will be worth it, so worth it.

 I keep reading in scripture about all the ways that God's people walk away from him, forget him, or out and out reject him for something perceived to be better. I am sure there will be days when, like God, we will have to fight hard to prove our love to our child(ren). I am sure there will be days when Ugi wonders why things didn't turn out another way for him, and he might wonder if another path was better. When we read the bible and see people doubting God it's like "come on you idiots he just rescued you again! He has given you everything you need. Why would you doubt him now?" But we all do it every day. We struggle to control things. We think we have a better way. We get lost in unrealistic expectations and then blame God when it doesn't work out like we planned. From our (Bill and Mine) perspective this adoption is planned and purposeful, but for Ugi there will always be a part of him that can't see that side of things. Above all else I just hope Ugi knows he is loved (and isn't that God's message to us?)

Radio Silence and a Night of Many Tears

Tonight we had to discipline Cara. She spent upwards of 10 min chewing the same bite of food and refusing to swallow her dinner. After much negotiation and numerous explanations about what would happen if she refused to eat her dinner, we felt we needed to stick to the boundaries we had set and send her to an early bedtime without stories. This is a sad punishment for us too because some of the most priceless memories are made as we tuck our sweet child into bed. Even as we went through the bedtime routine tonight and we were all sad I reminded her that she wasn't a bad kid, she was a very good girl who made a bad decision tonight.

Afterward I sat in the hallway outside her room. I promised to talk to her and help her calm down if she stopped crying. As I sat outside her door and listened to "Mommy I need you" and responded with "You're okay and I love you sooo much," I cried. Not just because I wanted to curl up with my little girl and assure her of my love but because not far down the hall sits another empty bedroom and a child somewhere is crying "Mommy I need you." But it's more than just a door and an unfinished dinner that separates me from my son.

This week the laws surrounding the adoption tax credit changed. Our family is no longer eligible for the nearly $13,000 tax credit we were planning to use to reimburse a portion of our adoption expenses. Somehow for me this was more than just money, it felt like a slap in the face of an already difficult journey.

In the midst of all this I feel like I am lost in radio silence. Our social worker retired and no one has contacted us about meeting with a new one. The only contact I receive is a generic newsletter sent sporadically to everyone associated with our orphanage. But what's worse than the silence from the adoption agencies is the silence I am feeling from God.

I can relate to how David feels in these excerpts from Psalm77:

I yell out to my God, I yell with all my might,
I yell at the top of my lungs. He listens.

^2-6 I found myself in trouble and went looking for my Lord;
my life was an open wound that wouldn’t heal.
When friends said, “Everything will turn out all right,”
I didn’t believe a word they said.
I remember God—and shake my head.
I bow my head—then wring my hands.
I’m awake all night—not a wink of sleep;
I can’t even say what’s bothering me.
I go over the days one by one,
I ponder the years gone by...

^{11-12 ...}Once again I’ll go over what God has done,
lay out on the table the ancient wonders;
I’ll ponder all the things you’ve accomplished,
and give a long, loving look at your acts.

^13-15 O God! Your way is holy!
No god is great like God!
You’re the God who makes things happen;
you showed everyone what you can do—
You pulled your people out of the worst kind of trouble,
rescued the children of Jacob and Joseph.

 

It's hard to remain confident as wave after wave of bad news or no news crashes over us. When God speaks clearly I am the first to do whatever is asked, but when God is silent I can become restless. That is why God has blessed me with Bill to run this marathon with (and it is a marathon). Tonight as my tears ran down my face my husband assured me of the many times we have heard God's voice calling us to be a family for the fatherless.

 

I think I already posted the lyrics to the song "You are I am"... it came on the radio again last night and I am always encouraged by the chorus:

 

You're the one who conquers giants
You're the one who calls out kings
You shut the mouths of lions
You tell the dead to breathe
You're the one who walks through fire
You take the orphan's hand
You are the one Messiah
You are I am

 

I know that even though I am not the one holding Ugi's hand tonight (even if no one is) God is there whispering "you're okay and I love you soooo much." He will take his hand and guide him to us at the right time.

 

It's hard surrendering the timeline I have for my family. It's become a daily thing. I try hard to pretend like I don't have a timeline, but it sneaks up on me and every now and then I look at the calendar and I'm angry that he still isn't home and that Cara is still asking "when mommy?" Some days it feels like I am letting her down but I have to trust that one day we will all look back and it will make sense. These years will feel like a blip and a lifetime of memories will wash away the loneliness we feel now.

 

God is good. I see that everyday in Cara's smile and my ability to stay home with her. I feel it each morning as my feet hit the floor. He will provide if it's $5 or $15,000. Even in the silence I can't deny His goodness.

 

Thank you for being on this journey with us and allowing me to process my heart externally with you. Your support is everything.

 

Lauren

 

 

 

A Christmas Wish

It's been so long since we had an update that I actually forgot my password to this blog! (Although if you know me, that's not really saying much)

I remember when we finally signed the contract last year and they gave us a 9-12 month time frame, I thought to myself that we might still be in Uganda but the thing we knew for sure was that we'd be celebrating Christmas as a family somewhere. I remember being worried that I might miss Cara's 3rd birthday or Nick and Katie's wedding. I am so thankful that Bill and I were able to be home for both of these wonderful family moments.

It has obviously been a long road since then. We're not even sure if Ugi has been born yet! I feel like I already know him and I just can't wait to squish his little tummy and hold him close. It's hard feeling like a big part of your family is missing, but I know it's not forever.

We did recieve some good news today. The agency was able to match one family this week with a child from our orphange. This is actually huge since it's been too many months to count since they've been able to make a match at all. It also means we move up a spot on the list...hello #7 :). They also had one family from our list decide to accept a child from Hong Kong (we don't know if this family was before us or after us on the waiting list, so this may or may not affect us but it's awesome to know another family got their Christmas wish).

They also increased our fees by $550 because they are going to work on processing the birth certificate and passport at the moment of matching a family instead of waiting for the court date. In a way this could be risky if the family is denied the right ot adopt in court, but so far that hasn't happened. They didn't spell it all out, but the reason for the change is because it has been taking families so long get these documents after their court dates. If I am reading through the lines correctly, this might mean a longer stay in country (less hotel fees, meals out, and most importantly less time away from Caraline when we travel). So I am choosing to take this as all good news.

I also had one of the children I watch decide to sign up for preschool as of January. I am choosing to believe God is freeing up my schedule for a reason but also trying not to get my hopes up.

So it's a lot of prayer and staying positive on our end. How are things with you?

Lonely Sister

Cara now asks me often when she will get to meet her brother. She has picked out Christmas presents for him. She is looking forward to taking tubbies together and she is constantly putting aside books and toys to save for him one day (even at other peoples houses!)

She is getting more lonely these days. Whenever we have friends over and it's time to nap or go home Cara will look at me sadly and say "I want my friend back." It's hard to be stuck in a place with no progress but it is hardest for me when I see the situation through Cara's eyes.

They are sending a team to Uganda in May to do more work on the facility and dig a new well.  In a recent email they included these photos of the orphanage. 

It's so cool to know that these kids are growing up in a beautiful place where they can laugh and play. I am going to choose to be thankful for that this Thanksgiving.

Learning From an Almost 3 Year old

It has been a really long and hard summer for me (Lauren) with the adoption and in other ways. A cloud of gloom and message of failure and rejection has followed me into almost every area of my life. This past week Bill and I took advantage of a free overnight to get away and on the way home I started to mourn. I didn't want to go back (to my amazing life mind you).

I reluctantly realized that though my struggles were real and valid, my attitude sucked. I have allowed myself to wallow in this place of selfishness where what I want should always come first. Such a place doesn't exist and I was annoyed that it couldn't exist. I was looking at my life from my perspective and I felt inadequate and unvalued at the same time.

Then, this week, I watched my almost 3 year old. She fell on the floor and although she was uninjured and perfectly capable of getting up, she laid there and begged for me to pick her up off the ground; which I lovingly did.

Cara has also learned which buttons to push to manipulate a situation. For example, She knows that, because she is newly potty trained, if she asks for me to take her to the bathroom, I will drop everything and run. She has learned how to get her way. She has developed her own desires and will do whatever it takes to make them a reality.

How different am I at 30 than she is at almost 3? I have my own desires and expectations and I am disappointed when they are not met. I have an agenda and I do everything within my control and abilities to accomplish it. (And I am annoyed about what gets in my way that I can't control.)

I am beyond capable of doing all the things that God is asking of me but instead I lay on the floor lazily because I'd rather complain then get up. Yet He picks me up over and over again and reminds me that I can do it all with His help.

When I look at Cara my heart breaks because I can see the bigger pictured for her. I know what skipping a nap now will mean for her day and her attitude. All she sees are the immediate things she'd rather do. When I move her in a direction she doesn't want to go, I know it's for the best, but she just thinks I am cruel or that I don't care what she wants.

It's the same with God. He looks at my broken heart and wishes I could see the bigger picture. What feels like endless delays for me is really God's incredible timing. What feels like failure in not having a second kid already God has given me as the gift of extended time with my daughter to be treasured.

When I approach my life from my selfish perspective it feels broken and overwhelming. Can you imagine what life would be like if Jesus had gone to the cross thinking about what was best for him? I  have been seeing failures, rejections and delays. God has been seeing a stuborn kid who won't pick herself up off the floor to see all the amazing things just steps beyond her reach.

I know that if Bill or Cara's life were in danger I would trade my life for theirs in a heartbeat without even having to think about it. I love them more than myself and in that moment the choice would be simple. What God showed me today is that he isn't asking me to die for them in one brave moment. He is asking me to die to myself (my plans, expectations, desires, and the right to be put first) every single day and to put my families needs before my own in every moment. Ultimately to trust Him as He guides my family. To know that what God is asking of me in this moment seems unfair (like Cara's nap time) but that it's really what is best for the bigger picture.

So, just like an almost 3 year old, now I know better but I still don't really want to do it. So please pray that I would be able to trust God, get off my a$$, and start seeing the good in my life instead of all the ways it isn't going according to "plan".
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Thank You to Bill who has been nothing but patient and supportive in all the crazy things God has allowed to come my way this summer. I love you! You're amazing.

Update from Uganda

Many of you know that waiting is waiting. There aren't a lot of details in the waiting. Tonight we recieved the montly update from our adoption agency.

"I have received word from Ken and Cathy of at least 3 children at Tender Hearts who will likely be eligible for adoption over the next couple of months so we hope to be making some matches during that time. We have also received word from Pastor John at Kidron Valley of 4 girls who may also be available for adoption. The staff in Uganda are working diligently to get these children paper ready for referral to a prospective adoptive family. "

So that's all that we know for now.

Thank you to everyone who is waiting with us. Please continue to pray for us and for Ugi as we continue to trust God with the timing and ongoing journey of becoming a family.