Join Me in a Waltz

The tempo is slow. The movement is beautiful but somehow it feels a little like going around in circles.

It's never good when an email is titled "Good News and Bad News".  We finally got some news from Uganda. As you can guess I am currently doing all that I can to focus on the glass being half full. : /

Today our lawyer was able to pick up the probation officers report that we have been waiting over 6 weeks for. YEAH! This is truly a victory and I am praying that God was able to do more than obtain a paper, but I am praying for him to take hold of this officers heart and help him to see what an essential part he plays in this story. Without his help, these children will never have families. What an incredible opportunity he has to be a blessing to many instead of a bump in the process. I am asking God to show him the beauty of adoption, to inspire this man to WANT to do his job with excellence. When I get to Uganda I will find this man and hug him and tell him clearly how much God loves him; not because he completed a report but because he is a child of God, adopted in his own way.

However,it turns out that another report is missing. It's possible this was one step forward and two (or more) steps back. It should have been obtained back in October when they found Isaac. It comes from this same man. We have no idea how long this will set us back, only that "these reports are even MORE difficult to obtain."

1, 2, 3...1, 2, 3

At the moment I am counting to 10. Breathing deeply and remembering that God is always on time. There are two things rushing around my mind right now. One is that cheesy christian poem "Footprints". I don't think it is a part of the original version but somewhere along the way I heard a version where in addition to the hardest times in our lives when we see only one set of footprints in the sand (where it we can be quick to assume God left us alone, but in reality we see one set of prints because God is carrying us through the hard times)...there is also a part of the path where the footprints seem to be in chaos going in every direction and even stepping on top of themselves. "That was when we danced!" Sometimes in the moments that seem the most chaotic and crazy we just need to stop and listen for the music...it's not a chaotic whirlwind at all...it is a beautiful dance, we just have to follow his lead, lean in and go for it.

If for some reason you have never come across the footprints poem...you can read it here :
http://www.footprints-inthe-sand.com/index.php?page=Poem/Poem.php

The second thing rushing around in my mind is actually another song God has given me to encourage me and prepare me for moments like this. It is currently being overplayed on K-Love (sorry about that, but it's probably on so often because I need to hear it so often). It is the song "Glorious Unfolding" by Stephen Curtis Chapman. He is also a father of adopted children. He has also experienced a(n even greater) loss. So for this song to be his perspective on life comes as a great encouragement to me.

                                                            "The Glorious Unfolding"

Lay your head down tonight
Take a rest from the fight
Don’t try to figure it out
Just listen to what I’m whispering to your heart
‘Cause I know this is not
Anything like you thought
The story of your life was gonna be
And it feels like the end has started closing in on you
But it’s just not true
There’s so much of the story that’s still yet to unfold

And this is going to be a glorious unfolding
Just you wait and see and you will be amazed
You’ve just got to believe the story is so far from over
So hold on to every promise God has made to us
And watch this glorious unfolding

God’s plan from the start
For this world and your heart
Has been to show His glory and His grace
Forever revealing the depth and the beauty of
His unfailing Love
And the story has only begun

We were made to run through fields of forever
Singing songs to our Savior and King
So let us remember this life we’re living
Is just the beginning of the beginning

And this is going to be a glorious unfolding
Just you wait and see and you will be amazed
You’ve just got to believe the story is so far from over
So hold on to every promise God has made to us
And watch this glorious unfolding

Welcome to the Waiting

After a month of rushing we have settled back into a season of waiting. It has been six weeks since our last post and we have sat in silence. No movement on our case at all. The waiting is always hard, especially now that the enemy can use the pain of loosing Simon to evoke feelings of anxiousness and fear. It is a daily battle to prevent hoping and dreaming from crossing that fine line into unrealistic expectations that lead to disappointment. On the other end of the spectrum I fight to battle fear and anxiety of this falling through again with the truth that I know this is a path we walk closely with God leading us each step of the way.

Many of you have recently joined us on this journey to adoption. It is always encouraging to share the story of how we came to know that God wanted us to grow our family through adoption. It is also good for me to start back at the beginning and remember that this was not a decision we made but a calling we have felt deep in our hearts. Our goal was to seek out the place of greatest need and that led our hearts to Uganda. We knew going in that this was a risky program. Naively I think I expected God to guide us through it effortlessly anyway. I know each bump in the road, each time we've started back at square one and each beautiful photo has only confirmed what we know in our hearts. God loves all of his children and he has a greater plan than our eyes can see. He will use this for good and looking back it will all make sense. 

These days we seem to be greeted with "Any news?" more often than "hello." Thank you all for waiting along with us. I hope that in some way our story touches you. 

Please pray for a breakthrough in this process. We need a PO report (honestly, I don't even know what that is but I am told that it is essential) and we are having difficulty obtaining ours. We have been led to believe it is a particular individual getting in our way but we know that God is bigger than any one man. More than I want this report I want this mans eyes to be opened up to God's love for him and for these orphans. So please pray that his heart softens and as a result our paperwork is released. Thank you.

The 411

Many of you have asked for a simple update on the process. While for us each step carries something so much deeper than a deadline, I understand that sometimes all people need to continue to pray for us are a few quick details. So here they are:

• We officially signed and notarized our court paperwork on Thursday, May 15th.
• The paperwork arrived in Kentucky (at our adoption agency) the following Monday and was immediately reviewed and rerouted to Uganda.
• We know that the paperwork arrived in Uganda on Monday, May 26th and that it has been filed with the courts.
• Estimation about when we will hear back with a court date varies from 1 week to 5 months. Typically, we will find out the date 2-4 weeks before we are expected to appear in court. 
• In the meantime we had to redo all of our paperwork to allow for the differences between Simon's case and Isaac's case. This meant updating our homestudy (finalized last week) and our immigration papers (mailed out today, expected to have a 2 week turn around).

• The courts in Uganda take a break from July 15th-August 15th. It is likely that our date will not be until after this break, however we have been instructed to have our bags packed just in case (which they aren't, yikes!)
• We will tell Cara AFTER we have a court date.

• Our social worker is visiting the orphanage next week (June 8-15th) and we have sent her with a million questions to ask while she is there, God bless her :)

SIMON UPDATE:

• We have found a way to provide food, clothing and schooling for Simon should he be adopted domestically.
• Call me stubborn, but there is still a part of me that believes the domestic adoption program will not work out and that our phone will ring again and we will say "yes."
• Either way we are so thankful for a chance to love and provide for him for as long as he needs us.

To quote Caraline "Get it? Got it? Good!"

Thank you for your continued prayers.

Constant Learning

I sat at the keyboard this afternoon and took a deep breath. Several actually.

The past month has flow by. I just got back from the post office where I sent out the last remaining bundle of paperwork for Isaac's file. I stopped to take a photo so that one day he will be able to look back and understand that this was not a choice we made quickly or lightly. Signature after signature, both notarized and photocopied, confirm that in every way we want Isaac to join our forever family.

I can barely list all of the meetings, phone calls and forms we have gone through in the past month. One phone call was so lengthy that my car battery died as I sat in a parking lot scribbling notes in the rain. (note to self, turn off your headlights next time).

After our interview with our home study agency, our social worker, Cindy, suggested that we watch a DVD series on Trust Based Parenting for kids with trauma in their early developmental years. Children of adoption can experience the trauma of separation even if the birth mother never holds the child. Those 9 months in the womb mean more than most of us understand. In a situation like ours, her advice was that we prepare for the hardest scenarios and hope for the best.

Since then I have spent most of my free time learning special techniques to help Isaac understand that he is safe in our home and that we will love him forever. It is both terrifying and encouraging to watch the families in these DVD's. When I stop to let it in, I can see how beautifully the story of adoption translates into our spiritual salvation. For some of us we were raised with our faith and it fits us like a comfortable pair of clothes. For others of us the path to God had more dark turns than we even allow ourselves to admit. In these situations trusting God is much harder. We live in fear that he might give up on us, even though he says over and over in his word that he won't.

One moment in the DVD series continues to sit with me.  The scenario is as simple as a mother telling her daughter it is time to leave the playground. For this little girl whose entire life has felt out of control, control is her connection to life itself. (How hard of a stretch is that for me to see in my own life. The times where I cannot control this journey have been the most difficult for me, and eventually the most rewarding when I release control and trust God with the details.) As you watch the scene unfold you can see in this beautiful little girls face, posture, and tone of voice the battle that is going on inside of her. "I don't want to leave this playground, but my mom knows what is best for me, but I don't want to leave this playground." The battle between what I WANT and what is BEST is all to familiar for me. God thank you for never giving up on me. Thank you for reminding me over and over that there is a plan even when I don't understand it. Thank you for helping me to "leave the playground" when I am not ready yet and trust that you will guide me safely where I need to go.

I am so thankful for the wisdom that surrounds us. For friends online who have literally been there (to our orphanage on their own journey) to local friends who will speak truth to us as needed and validate our decisions when we need them to. I am so thankful for all of the education we have access to that will help us be the best possible parents to Isaac.

I realize that just as the parenting books I read in preparation for giving birth could never truly prepare me for the unique experience we had bringing our daughter into this world, these resources too can only paint a picture of what could be. I know that no amount of studying is going to make me the perfect mom but I also know I'd be foolish to not use this time to the best of my ability.

Please pray for us as we learn to walk on this new journey. There will be a million moments where we will have to look at what is best for Caraline and what is best for Isaac (which will often be different) and find some way to live in between. Pray for Cara as she adjusts to sharing her world with her brother. Pray for Isaac, that God would prepare him for our family and that his attachment process would go smoothly.

Chapter 3

I barely even know how to begin this blog post. The past 24 hours have been a whirlwind of emails, paperwork and phone calls. However, I have never been more happy to be overwhelmed. All this business has brought us our Issac, literally.

You may recall from my last post that I have been leaning heavily on the story of Abraham and his unwavering hope in the Lord's promise. God eventually sent Abraham a son and they named him Issac, which means "laughter." Apparently, God still has a since of humor because after the phone rang on Wednesday morning I too was looking a story that included a beautiful little boy named Issac. 

We are still waiting to hear from doctors and lawyers but we may have a travel timeline soon. As I poured over Issac's file I was overwhelmed by how much of his story is filled with the word "unknown." It was hand written over and over again on forms with questions that he will have to live his whole live without knowing the answers to. So far the world has labeled our son "unknown" but I believe that God wants to tell him that he is "known" and loved and I can't wait to be the one to teach him everyday just how much God loves him..

This has been hard because it the first time we have had to make a move that leads us away from Simon. The door has been slammed in our face many times, but we have always remained steadfast waiting on God before we move. It appears now that we have a new opportunity before us and it is hard to say goodbye. 

Our door will always be open to Simon should he ever need us. We are actually looking into ways that we can support Simon, wherever God leads him. For now though, we cannot ignore the little boy before us.

We officially signed the papers committing to Issac last night and we are now in a rush to update our home study (doctors visits, financial statements, interviews and inspections) as well as our immigration paperwork. We need to have all of this finalized in the next 4 weeks. It typically takes at least 6 weeks for the immigration papers alone. So please pray for a smooth and speedy process without any paperwork errors :)

Also, please note. WE ARE NOT TELLING CARA. While we trust God completely, we have learned from our past experiences and we feel that it is best that we keep this a secret until we know for a fact the court has accepted our case and assigned us a trial date. 

We cannot post his photos online but if you see us in person we'd be happy to show off his beautiful smile. 

In the Middle of Our Story

First let me start out by saying thank you for your prayers. It is evident that many of you are lifting us up and thinking of us. I have even had women at church approach me saying "I haven't had a chance to read your blog but I have been praying for you guys a lot lately. Is there anything going on?" So it is clear to me that God is tugging on all of your hearts too and making sure that we are cared for during this time. So thank you for responding in prayer when we pop into your mind.

We had a wonderful Easter with our families. It didn't feel quite as hollow as I was afraid it might. I will say that we have experienced everything from unexplained intense physical pain, to family sickness, to Cara suddenly developing intense separation anxiety (so unlike her), to the loss of one of Bill's students, to you name it. Even my cell phone stopped working. Big things and little things, when magnified by our grief over Simon, it kind of feels like being kicked when you are down. Every time I have started the day fresh it feels like we have been presented with a new reason to give up on life. 

This morning I opened my bible up to Romans. In chapter 5 it says "we also glory in our sufferings, because we know that suffering produces perseverance, perseverance, character; and character, hope. And hope does not put us to shame, because God's love has been poured out into our hearts through the Holy Spirit, who has been given to us."

Right before that in Romans it reflects on the story of Abraham. I'm not trying to alter scripture, but allow me to share with you how Abraham's story spoke to me today.

Adapted from Romans 4:11-22

"Against all hope, Abraham in hope believed and so became the father of many nations, just as it has been said to him 'so shall your offspring be.' Without weakening in his faith, he faced the fact that his <circumstances> were as good as dead...yet he did not waver through unbelief regarding the promise of God, but was strengthened in his faith and gave glory to God being fully persuaded that God had the power to do what he had promised. That is why it was credited to him as righteousness."

Now for Abraham his circumstances were that he and Sarah were WAY too old to be having kids. Their circumstances did not seem to line up with the promise God gave them. I feel this way too. Our circumstances don't feel like the are lining up with God's call to build our family through adoption.

The day we heard the news about Simon being taken out of the adoption program (and therefore no longer a possibility for being our son) I cried to Bill on the phone "why would God give us a 5 bedroom house if he never intended to fill it?" The story of acquiring our house is another one for the record books. We call it 'the promised land' because just like when Joshua and Caleb were sent to scope out the real promised land, there seemed like there were a million reasons to turn and run away (giants for Joshua, giant holes in the walls for us, ceilings caving in, etc.) but God reminded them that the land was already theirs, they just needed to claim it. All those obstacles were things God would equip them to overcome easily they just had to trust Him. It was the same with our house. People tell us all the time how comfortable they feel in our home. We never should have been able to afford it and we did not have the skills to fix it, but little by little God has turned this building into a home. Why would he leave it empty now?

Our finances are another thing. We knew going into this adoption that God would have to move a financial mountain in order for us to bring it to completion. People in our lives often ask us "but isn't adoption really expensive?" what they are really saying is "how on earth do you expect to pull this off?" or "why on earth would you give up everything for this one kid (especially when we are physically able to have our own kids?)" They aren't being rude. They are just looking to things on earth that don't add up, but we have our eyes fixed above earth...on Jesus. And you know what?! HE DID IT! We have raised enough money to move forward with this adoption. You know, many of you gave. There are still huge costs ahead but we will be able to move forward without jeopardizing our families financial security.

So we have the home, we have the money, we have the heart, we have the family support, we have the training, the security clearances, physicals passed with flying colors, paperwork in order, we are #1 on the waiting list and there is an orphanage overflowing with kids that need to come home. It all adds up! Yet we are still waiting. 

Just like Abraham and Sarah our circumstances don't add up to our reality. Even after God moved their circumstantial mountains and gave them Issac he then asked Abraham to sacrifice Issac to him...what the what?!? We don't always stop and think about how crazy that seems because the rest of the story is right there on the page. We can keep reading and see how it all played out and see how God used the faith of that one family to impact generations to come. 

We are in the middle of our story. Right now it stops at "What the what?!?" It doesn't make sense to continue on this path. People close to us have offered us all kinds of alternatives to building our family. It's tempting to change courses all together to grow our family faster. To end this difficult time of waiting. There are "easier" programs, "quicker" programs. "Just get pregnant!"

God placed adoption on our hearts very early on. I recently had the opportunity to preach at church and one of the things I shared is that God has put something unique on each of our hearts that every time we are exposed to that unique thing we think "that is such a shame. That just shouldn't be." We have that reaction because God wants to use us to make a difference in that unique thing. It's different for everyone, it has to be, no one person can fix all the wrongs in this world but if we each play our part, it is possible to restore what has been lost to the ugliness of this world. For us, kids growing up in orphanages without families or worse; dying at the bottom of toilets or trash heaps is that unique thing. I'm sure if asked, everyone would agree that it's a horrible situation, but it probably doesn't keep them up at night. It probably isn't the thing they think about every time their kids get together for a playdate with other families. When someone is told all the ugly realities about how hard it will be to raise a child that has experienced trauma after trauma, they probably don't get so excited about the opportunity to love that child that they can barely sit still in their chair. I do. Often. There is rarely a moment when I am not thinking about finding a way to make their world a little less empty. 

I don't expect it to make sense to everyone. There are days when the hurt outweighs the reasons and it barely makes sense to me. 

I liked the TNIV bible translation of Romans 5 because it says "hope does not put us to shame." I have to admit that I felt shame these past few weeks. "People must think we are so stupid for pursuing this as long as we have...they probably read this blog and feel bad for us like we have thrown our lives away..." I was embarrassed because people gave money toward the adoption and we still have "nothing" to show for it. I was disappointed because I want this to be a story that draws people to faith in God and I feel like instead they are laughing at us. Shame. Even as I battle these thoughts and feelings I know they are not from God. Guilt and shame never are. It is still hard though, not to feel that way. But today God reminded me in a clear way that hope is a good thing. Having hope is nothing to be ashamed of because my hope is in Him and He is the author and perfecter of our faith. We are just in the middle of the story. 

In the Wake of a Storm

After hurricane Sandy I remember opening my front door and thinking "not much has changed." We saw a tree down across the street and there had clearly been a storm but it was nothing compared to the raging wind and rain from just a few hours ago. At one point during the storm we had attempted to walk down to the riverfront to watch the waters rage but we were quickly chased back into our home as the wind made waste of our umbrellas and the conditions seemed to get worse by the moment.

The next day we left our house feeling stir crazy after watching what seemed like the same exact news casting for 2 days straight. As we left our house we began to see more of what the storm had left behind. Just a few streets away Cara's favorite playground was under water and major roads were flooded. Still, Burlington fared well. The biggest news being a car fire caused by downed wires just around the corner from our house.

It wasn't until a month later when Bill and I took a drive along the coastline that I saw first hand how drastically things were changed. We saw trees uprooted and tossed aside. Trees that had probably been standing there for hundreds of years. We saw entire buildings along the coast sitting at a 45 degree angle. We saw other places where buildings had once stood and not a thing remained. We watched as people dragged furniture to the curbside, essentially emptying their homes. There was a parking lot full of damaged refrigerators, another full of furniture, and another other piles of broken debris.

Sometimes the storms in our life rock us to the core. Deep rooted things are ripped out leaving scars of there they once stood. It is storms like this were you don't even realize the extent of the damage at first. It can be months later and there are still things to drag to the curb.

We are living in the wake of the storm right now. The loss of Simon digs deep. Please be patient with us as we grieve. Thank you to everyone who has reached out. We too, wish we had answers to all of your questions. We too, wish we knew what was next for our family.

I am confident that God is with us and that we are not alone in this. I've said that many times. As always, God has given me a song to lean on, however when David Crowder wrote it I think he got it wrong. His version of the song focuses on the way we cling to God, but for me in this moment I know it's the other way around. As I am tossed by this storm I know that HE is holding onto ME just like when Simon Peter stepped out of the boat, in his moments of doubt Jesus grabbed him and kept him from sinking. He is holding us and I am so thankful.

Here is my version of the song:

There’s no space that His love can’t reach
There’s no place that we can’t find peace
There’s no end to Amazing Grace
Take me in with your arms spread wide
Take me in like an orphan child
Never let go, never leave my side.

YOU ARE,
Holding on to ME.
YOU ARE,
Holding on to ME.
In the middle of the storm,
YOU are holding on,
YOU ARE!

Love like this, Oh my God to find!
I am overwhelmed what a joy divine!
Love like this sets our hearts on fire!

This is my Resurrection Song
This is my Hallelujah Come
This is why to You I run
This is my Resurrection Song

There’s no space that His love can’t reach
There’s no place that we can’t find peace
There’s no end to Amazing Grace

YOU ARE,
Holding on to ME.
YOU ARE,
Holding on to ME.
In the middle of the storm,
YOU are holding on,
YOU ARE!