Buying Hope

So what do you do when the rug has been pulled out from underneath you and you're laying on the floor and you don't even want to get back up again?

 

You cry out to Jesus. You cling to all the things you know to be true and you wait to hear his voice.

 

Surviving last week is up there with one of the hardest things I've ever had to do. I joke that September 3rd and 4th are dead to me. They are days I'd rather not relive again. (Although I know looking back I'll be willing to do it all again for the benefit of my family).

 

On Thursday my Aunt called and offered to pay my way to attend the Women of Faith conference that happened to be coming to Philadelphia over the weekend. The timing could not have been better. I humbly accepted her offer even though I couldn't find anyone to go with me. I needed to curl up in the lap of my creator and cry. My heart was broken and although I wanted to continue, it was hard to bounce back.

 

I texted this to a friend checking in with me that day:

 

"The short version is: when I focus on what I wanted for my family I am just a broken mess but when I remember that God is using us for something bigger than ourselves I have peace. I am happy for Simon and Sad for Cara. I am trusting that God will be with both of them to guide them through this uncertain time (which is really hard)."

 

One of the things people don't realize when it comes to faith is that much like Noah had to spend time building the ark (in the desert!) before he ever even saw a drop of rain, you have to prepare for the storms of life BEFORE they happen so that you have the strength to carry on. If you try to build an ark after the floods start raging you're going to end up on the bottom of the ocean, fast.

 

I also found myself being reminded that the wisdom of God often seems like foolishness to us because we don't see the bigger picture. Bill and I had started out following a call to love and care for orphans. Helping Simon find his Uncle falls into that category, even if it wasn't how we thought the story would end.

 

All this to say that I was doing my best to wrap my head around my present circumstances and stay focused all the while trying to avoid being overcome by the flood of emotions in my life. Every hug from a friend brings tears to the edges of my eyes. This is hard.

 

So Saturday I prepared to go to the conference and just soak up God's goodness and praise Him in the storm. Prepared with an entire box of Kleenex I have to laugh because I didn't even cry once (although I did spill my hot chocolate so I was thankful to have something to clean up with ;) )

 

The message of the conference was "Believe God can do Anything."

The second speaker was an author I have always loved and his message was "You Will Get Through This."

 

He said exactly: "You'll get through this. It won't be painless. It won't be quick. But God will use this mess for good. In the meantime, don't be foolish or naive. But don't despair either. With God's help you will get through this." He then went on to explain how it is possible to walk through life's darkest times with God and how to avoid falling into depression when it seems like the easier option.

 

Are you starting to see how awesome it was that I went to this conference?

 

After break the next speaker got up and preached through Simon Peters life. (my Simon's name is Simon Peter) I kept waiting for it to upset me to hear his name over and over again, but the message of his life throughout scripture is beautiful. I was comforted.

 

The day continued from there with speakers that had lost children, were in the process of adoption and had looked at the circumstances of their life and been frustrated with God. I left feeling refreshed and renewed but still not knowing what was next for us (spoiler alert...I still don't know what I'm supposed to do with all this time on my hands...hence this blog).

 

[The day also ended with great friends and free ice cream. God was speaking my love language!]

 

So why did I title this "Buying Hope"? I didn't buy it at the conference...I bought it at Petsmart :)

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Meet Hope.

 

 

I was lonely on Monday and I thought having something beautiful around might help. Fish are cheap and I find them peaceful. We were also out of turtle food so a trip to Petsmart seemed like a good idea. When the sun hits him his scales shine a beautiful emerald green and blue. The small streaks of red on his fins are often hidden but they remind me that sometimes the most beautiful things in life have a little red (pain) weaved in but it only reveals that we are strongest in our broken places. So now my job is to keep "hope" alive both metaphorically and physically.