Apparently good.
We just enjoyed some family time away at a beach house that my parents rented for the week. Right before we left Cara had a playdate with several of her church friends and it was very hard for me to watch all of the kids play with their siblings and see Cara there alone. I'm not entirely sure she notices that she's the only kid without a sibling, but I do.
We packed the car for vacation and I asked God to help me be present during our time away. I had been feeling like life was happening in a fog ever since the phone rang and we were told to "be prepared." God answered that prayer and I was even able to leave the cell phone back at the house while we splashed in the waves with Cara. It was a wonderful vacation.
The Saturday before we were to head home Bill took me out for cheese and chocolate at The Melting Pot (cheese and chocolate are basically my two main food groups so this restaurant is high up on my list of best food ever). As much as I wanted to, I couldn't keep it together. I (unsuccessfully) held back tears the entire night. Our trip home meant that Cara would be starting preschool the next day and we still had no word on Simon. When we knew Simon was coming home it made sense to enroll Cara in preschool this year so she would have something consistent and special to get her through the rollercoaster that would become our adoptive home life. Now, it felt like I was losing her. In my heart I felt the door to Simon was closing and life was beginning to make less and less sense.
I had also gotten news of the death of a good friend while we were away (age 33, a two year old and a baby on the way...absolutely tragic). As we got in the car to drive away from the beach vacation faded and life started to hit me. My heart was breaking and all I could do was let it.
I actually survived the first day of school adventure (and by survived I mean I only cried when I was alone and no one could see). Cara absolutely loved it and it was wonderful to get to explore her classroom with her.
It was after school that the day got impossible. We had a few errands to run and I needed to stop by my friend Michelle's house to plan out our upcoming year with the youth group. Thank God we decided to go to Michelle's first. I was there about 5 min when the phone rang. Michelle took Cara and I sat down for what was next. It was Lisa, our social worker, calling to fill me in on an email she has received from Alice, the lawyer. It seems Alice had several meetings with Simon's mom and members of the paternal family. Again I need to be careful to keep Simon's story his own and not share too many personal family details. The short version of the story is that Simon has an Uncle Eric and pending a look into Uncle Eric's life, it looks like Simon will go to live with him.
Our prayer has always been about what would be best for Simon and living in Uganda near his biological family will be good for him. We started this journey not because we needed a kid but because there were kids that need homes and Simon has found his in Uganda.
That being said the news is crushing for me. Two months is not nearly enough time to give all the love that is in a mother's heart. I will continue to love and pray for Simon even if I never see his face.
The hardest thing will be telling Cara. This news means a lot more waiting. The kids currently at the orphanage need a minimum of six more months to process things before they can be matched with families. Cara is so in love with Simon. She talks about him constantly. She spent the week on vacation taking care of her cousin Charlotte (one month younger than Simon) and you could tell she was working on her big sister skills. Cara is a born nurturer. She is the first to stop and help someone else in need and she loves teaching others how to do things. This news will break her heart and knowing that makes it impossible for me to bear.
The second hardest thing is that Cara is in preschool now. I am left adrift without a clear plan for what comes next. If the news had come even a few days sooner we would have talked with her about staying home with Mom for another year. I am angry with God about the timing of it all. I feel like I lost both of my kids on the same day. (I realize that isn't true but it's how I feel at the moment).
It is hard looking back and seeing how perfectly Simon fit into our lives. His age, the timeline of it all, the way the only date on our calendar without an event on it was the day he was born...I wrote it all down in permanent marker right through the middle of our lives..."Simon was born", "We got a referral", "fingerprints for Simon", "Simon Says Sing"...
I'm glad I can't erase it because he really was a part of our family for this past year/summer. I have more love in my heart for him than I can give. Many blog posts ago I shared a song about how we give all of our hearts to our kids even if it's not enough to keep them with us, they deserve all of us. Simon got that from us. He will always be loved.
We are allowed to write a letter to the family. I don't expect it to change their mind (but it could!) but I do want them to know how much God loves Simon and to thank them for letting us be a way to show Simon that God would sooner build families across oceans than have him grow up alone.
So as I sit here drowning in an ocean of grief I am reminded that Simon was the disciple that got out of the boat and trusted Jesus in the midst of a terrifying storm. So take my hand Jesus because I am out of the boat and I have no idea what my next step should be.
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