Hope in the Bigger Picture

Today I am exhausted. I spent the morning at the church we will be using for a pancake breakfast fundraiser and we'll spend the evening touring the facility we plan to use for our Cabaret Night in August. I have emailed, facebooked, talked to neighbors and done all that I can to let people know about these two events. I have gone store to store for donations. Mentally, I am spent from the endless lists floating in my head about who might be able to help us and what we still need to accomplish.

Moments ago I checked our fundraiser page. 1 supporter. I could choose to let fear in. I could worry about where the money is going to come from (and some days I do, lets just be honest) but today I am going to choose to look to God. Yesterday I wrote this to a family member:

I kind of feel like I am running this race with a million weights tied to my legs making each step next to impossible, but then I look to my left and I see Bill right beside me and I know neither one of us is going to give up. We will love this kid forever even if it never gets any easier.

None of this has been easy but the love in my heart continues to grow for a little boy I've never even met.

Our church used to use the phrase "find your place in God's story." I love seeing the world this way. Ultimately, I am just one person in a world of billions of people. I will live a certain number of years and then I'll be gone. But God's story spans the ends of time. I could choose to feel insignificant. Or I could realize that I get to be Simon and Cara's Mom. I get to be the one running this marathon of life beside Bill cheering him on as he leads our family. It's my place in God's story and it's awesome.

So today I am not going to freak out about the finances or worry about traveling halfway around the world and back...nope today I'm gonna look to God for strength and teach my kids to do the same. As long as I am following Him I know I'm right where I am meant to be.

Love Notes

Some of my favorite moments in life are the times when I am clued into what God is doing. He doesn't have to reveal himself at all, but when he chooses to, it is beautiful. It has been over two weeks since "Ugi" (our nickname for an unknown Ugandan son) officially became Simon. I know time will continue to fly by as we count down the weeks until we can hold him. What I am enjoying at the moment is all the ways God is revealing himself in the details.

It's little things like his medical report saying "he sleeps 12 hours a night and takes 3 naps a day." What you may or may not know is that I prayed to God often that my kids would be sleepers. Cara still takes at least a 2 hour nap every day (sometimes Mommy does too). I knew that was God's gift to me but since I am a sleeper a skeptic could pass that off to genetics. But my Simon is a sleeper too :) Or at least he has the potential to be one after he adjusts to life with new people in a new country. Another way I know this was a little love note for me from God is because the medical reports in international adoption are so bare. Most often you're lucky if you get one parents name, and the child's height, and weight. I have never heard of personality details being included let alone sleep details. For me it's just another way that God is saying "I have been listening and Simon is perfect for you."

We also found out this week that we just made the cut. We were #5 on the waiting list and they matched the first 5 families! I had been wondering how we got picked being so far down on the list. It's wonderful to know that no one was skipped and that so many families are experiencing this joy right now. Five families at once is unheard of in the Uganda program. It is still so new and so slow that up until this point no families have traveled together. In other programs, like China, they will release a large group of kids at one time and everyone travels together and has ceremonies and sight seeing opportunities as a group. This is not normally the case in Uganda. I will be staying in Uganda while we wait for the courts ruling on our guardianship (anywhere from same day to two weeks after we appear in court) and for the US Embassy to process Simon's visa (another two to six week wait). It is so great to know that there could be other families there with me. What a blessing to have people there who know exactly what we're going through as we go through it!

I also think this is a particularly special thing because I would love to stay in contact with these families and give Simon the opportunity to reconnect with children from his orphanage. I know they will understand each other in ways that we never will be able to understand. What an incredible gift!

Simon already feels like a part of our lives. Cara talks about him often and we are doing our best to prepare her for what it might be like to finally have him home.

Last year Cara made the star on the left for her room. This past week we went back and made Simon the blue one for his room :)

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Please continue to pray for us as we prepare. We have one final grant application set to be reviewed in August (so far we have been denied from 6). It would be incredible to receive this grant and have some of the financial burden relieved. There is a cheesy Christian saying "Where God guides, he provides" but we have found this to be so true and we are once again trusting Him with the little we have to do big things.

We are also in the process of planning two different fundraisers. As much as we need the money, we see these more as opportunities for friends and family to be apart of this incredible journey. If you have gotten this far in life and still feel like you haven't seen God or heard from him, we offer you this chance to be apart of something amazing that God is doing in a little boys life (not to mention a front row seat hear about all the ways his parents are being stretched and strengthened).We hope to host another pancake breakfast in August before the college students leave as well as put on a Broadway Cabaret night in (hopefully) July featuring some of our incredibly talented friends and family members. Please pray that we find a location for each of these events (even better if the locations are free!)

Thanks again for "listening" :)
Lauren

We Are A Family of 4!!!

There was a delay in posting this because we wanted to tell as many people as we could in person, but here is what I wrote on the night we signed the papers to officially accept the referral for Simon:

We are a Family of 4

There is one hour left of June 13, 2013 and I decided I needed to use it to write about the past 7 hours because they will define how the next several years of our life go.

Today we made the decision to adopt Simon Peter.

We received our referral somewhere between 4pm and 5pm on Monday. I was sitting in my car the driveway of Grandma and Yo-Pop’s house in the rain. I checked my phone one last time to see if Bill had called and I happened to notice an email:  Referral #2. I glanced down and saw Referral and immediately started reading. I got about as far as “it’s finally your turn. His name is Simon” when I saw a tiny head coming toward my car in the rain. There was Caraline with no shoes headed out to greet me (isn’t she the best!). I jumped out of the car and swooped her up and back onto the porch out of the rain. Grandma came out and I began to tell her about the email referral.

I’m not even exactly sure what Grandma started to tell me; all I was focused on was finding a computer so I could see the first photos of my son.

I struggled to get the files to open on their laptop amidst questions from Yo-Pop and having Uncle Topher over my shoulder. Grandma was still excited about all the fun they had earlier in the day. Cara had almost given up on gaining my attention and started pulling out Polly Pockets to show me. I tried calling Bill several times without success.  It seemed like everything was happening at once!

As I was scanning the initial paperwork the house phone rang and it was Bill calling back in disbelief. He couldn’t get the files to open on his computer at home (he had made it home from work while I was on the road to get Cara).  Eventually I decided just to take Cara and head home to see Bill so we could enjoy this together.

I called my mom on the way home and even though I was incredibly sick she was able to detect the joy in my tone of voice. “You sound awful chipper for someone who is sick? How are you feeling?” I responded with “There’s a good reason, we have a baby boy!” There was immediate joy in her voice. I told her everything I knew and that I was racing home to see Bill.

At some point on the drive home I called Cindy our social worker to tell her the news. She was headed out to vacation but was so glad we caught her.

We came home to big hugs. Cara was hungry so we quick fixed her some chicken and talked over what we knew. I forwarded the paperwork to CHOP and we waited to hear what was next.

We called Uncle Adam and had Cara tell him the news. We also called Aunt Katie but Cara was done with announcements at that point so Bill had to fill her in on the news. We wanted to make sure all the siblings knew since Uncle Topher had been around when I opened the email.

Tuesday we got an email from CHOP saying one of the doctors would be contacting us to schedule a phone conference. They also immediately called for our billing information but we did not hear anything else for the remainder of the day…

I must have looked at Simon’s picture a million times that day.

Wednesday we didn’t hear much of anything either. Around 1pm we got an email saying that Dr. Friedman would call us on Thursday at 4pm. We had a conference call at 3pm with Lisa, the social worker who matched us. She wasn’t able to tell us much more about Simon then was in the paperwork. We talked through some details about the court system being closed for July and how the judges were changing so she wasn’t exactly in a rush for us to be the first ones on their desk after break.

As we went to bed that night I said to Bill, I wonder if God is holding off the doctor’s call because he wants us to know unconditionally that we want Simon. We were nervous about some gaps in his medical history but both of us were feeling confident that we wanted to move forward.

By the time 4pm Thursday came we didn’t really need to hear what the doctor had to say. I was so distracted thinking about Simon that I missed the entrance to 295 and wasn’t home in time to take the call. Dr. Friedman totally understood and agreed to call again in a few moments. (Apparently doctors don’t like to talk to clients on their cell phones while they are driving...imagine that!)

The phone conference was very informative. She basically said that there are a lot of things he hasn’t been tested for yet that he could have but that all the things we did know were good. We did find out that much of his growth statistics are right in the normal range – a fact that is pretty atypical of children raised in orphanages!  He seems to be doing well even in his circumstances.

I must also say that I had prepared Cara for the fact that mommy would have a very long phone call and that I would not be able to stop and talk with her or answer any questions. She kept saying “but if I tell you to stop on the phone you’ll stop right”…”no mommy can’t stop”… “oh, bummer”… then she would try again from another angle. When we were running late for the first call and Dr. Friedman said she would call back Cara was like “that wasn’t very long at all, yeah!” I hated breaking the news that she was calling back in 10 min… LOL.

While I was on the phone Cara got herself a banana and played on the iPad. She was so great. Bill walked through the door about 45 min in and Cara announced “mommy is on the phone and we can’t talk to her.”  Later she was even more discouraged when she realized that mommy and daddy were then going to talk about the phone call for the next hour. She kept trying to share information about what the dog was doing, what the characters on the pages of her book were doing “look mommy she’s drinking green tea on a purple lap top” We assured her that we had heard her but that we needed to talk about much more important things and interruptions would only make it take longer.

She said she was hungry and being the A+ mom that I am I said to her “Cara you are much more capable then you are claiming to be right now, please go in the fridge and fix yourself any snack that you are capable of putting together” Not one to miss an opportunity, Cara made herself blueberry waffles for dinner with extra butter (she came by to show me that she did the butter herself and that there had to be a lot…at the moment I didn’t’ care, looking back all I can do is laugh).

As Bill and discussed the doctor’s call, I sat on the floor and played devil’s advocate. We both knew at this point that we were going to sign the papers but I wanted to hear Bill’s answers to the hard questions. What if the tests the doctor has asked for reveal a terminal illness?  What kind of impact could his possible health issues have on Cara?  Is it really something we can prevent or do we just need to surrender control? People won’t understand…etc.

Finally Bill said “we just have to surrender the details. If this was about us and our comfort I would have given up a year and a half ago when I saw how painful it was for you to wait for him. This is something God has asked us to do and we need to do it. This is the child we have been placed with and we need to do it.” I have never loved him more. Thank God I married a man who will do the right thing even if it is the most gut wrenching decision. “Print it out let’s sign it right now.”

This would be the point in the night where I couldn’t stop crying.

We went up to the third floor as a family and got the printed contract. I was crying so hard I couldn’t see the buttons to push on the printer.  Cara kept saying “I want to draw too, where can I write? I want to write something to send to Uganda.” We told her that she could write another letter and we would send it to Ugi /Simon.  (Cara then proceeded to spend the rest of the night mailing pretend letters to “pretend Uganda” – Could she be more awesome?)

On the way upstairs I stopped by our bedroom to get a tissue because I was crying. Cara, never one to miss a beat, watched me walk out of the room with one tissue and knew this would not be enough. All on her own she went back in my bedroom and grabbed the tissue box. Several minutes later when I asked her to run and get me one from the playroom she pointed out that she had already put an entire box next to my feet for me to use. Priceless!

We then came downstairs and emailed the signed contract to the adoption agency.

We spent the rest of the night texting friends, calling family and trying to get our friends all together in one place. Every so often we would grab Cara and do a “you’re a big sister” dance or tickle fest. I randomly kept announcing to the room that we are a family of 4 now.

At one point I got out last year’s calendar to see what we were doing on the day that Simon was born (May 17, 2012). I have written all of our activities on the calendar since Cara was little. The entire month of May was full of notations, arrows, drawings and details of our lives. May 17^th was right in the middle and entirely blank. It stood out like a sore thumb. God knew we would need to go back and fill in the details of that day. It now says in bold purple letters: “Simon was born.”

We also realized (thanks to my mom) that we will be telling the entire church the upcoming Sunday which is Father’s Day (that much we had thought through). My mom also pointed out that we got married on Father’s Day.  What an awesome time of year! J

Then we looked up what the name Simon means. It means “God has heard”…yeah he did!

“Peter” means Rock (on which God built his church) and Simon’s last name “Ainebyona” means “one to whom much has been given”.  Simon Peter was the only disciple bold enough to get out of the boat and walk on water with Jesus. As Pastor Paul said “his name is stacked!”

We printed out his picture and closed out the night by putting it on our refrigerator right in the middle of all the family photos.

I know it’s different than going into the delivery room but even as I sit here crying and typing I am overwhelmed at how in an instant our family has grown again. Yesterday we had the anticipation, we thought today might be it, but tonight something happened and it became official. All 3 of us together, standing around a piece of paper and signing our names (or in Cara’s case begging to write her name), we became a family of 4 and Simon will never be alone again.

There is still a long road ahead. There is potential for disaster in more ways that we are probably aware of. It may only get harder but I know now more than ever that God’s signature is all over this story and I am so glad to be a part of it. He is in every detail and I wouldn’t change a thing.

A 'Nest' Half Full

Recently Bill asked Cara the age old question "Cara, is your glass half empty or half full?" She replied with a big smile "half full!" Hopefully this means she will go through life with a much more positive perspective than her mother.

I decided to take a hint from Cara and view this Mother's Day as half full rather than half empty. As the day approached a part of me wanted to be angry. Angry with the system and angry with God for allowing Cara to grow up so lonely. Friday night we got an email from one of our adoption agencies that was titled "Help Us Find Homes for Orphans." Bill and I laughed. Bill said,"Gee I am confused about what we've been doing so far?!" Again I was reminded that while our hearts have their own timeline for this adoption, we wait on God's perfect plan. One day (hopefully this side of heaven) it will all make perfect sense.

An even bigger part of me wanted to be heartbroken that there is no hope of Ugi coming home any time soon. During the process of renewing our home study we were casually informed that we shouldn't expect any news before September. My heart quickly did the math...a match later than September means another Christmas apart. Another birthday for Cara without anyone to help her blow out the candles. Even still I choose to wait expectantly on God. He wouldn't bring us down this road without a purpose. We have already learned so much about ourselves and what it means to love unconditionally.

As difficult as it was I choose to spend this week focused on all the incredible family and friends that surround me daily. Our nest might be half full but our life is completely whole. We are surrounded by the kind of people that will drop everything to help us when we are in need (even when we forget to say Thank You!). Our family comes through for us time and time again. This is evidenced just this week by our fixed car, new back door, free babysitting, and full tummy (such good Mother's Day meals!).

The hole in my heart reminds me to pray for our son and to depend on God with every detail of our lives. I could choose to focus on what's missing or to focus on the greatness of the God who called us on this journey and the fullness of the life he has already provided.

Today I choose to be thankful, hopeful, faithful, and to see my life as "half full."

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I was also greatly encouraged by this weeks sermon in church about what it means to be called to something. It should be uploaded here soon http://www.gracealliancechapel.org/series/our-calling Check it out if you have time. Several friends and family have questioned us about our adoption process. "You could have had 2 more kids of your own by now." Not everyone understands what it means when God calls you to something. It's never easy. This message really helped put it in perspective.

A 'Tenderheart' Moment

Many people have been asking us lately if there have been any updates with our adoption. After many question filled emails to our agency and back I can finally say yes, we have an update. We are now family #5 on the waiting list (we started at #8). Our standing was unclear for a while because many families on the list were beginning to consider children outside of the Uganda program but they won't officially take them off our waiting list until things are finalized within the other program (for good reason because two of the families were matched and then had birth mothers change their mind).

The family that was matched from our orphanage in December received their court date: April 17th. This falls exactly within the anticipated 4 month wait between being matched and traveling for your court hearing. We are watching this family closely because there have been many changes to the Uganda program over the past year and this family is the first to travel under the new timeline of documentation. I am very curious to see how long it takes them to travel home after their court date. Previous families have been told to expect at least 6 weeks, but this new timeline may bring them home faster. We'll see.

We are also in the process of redoing our home study, abuse clearances and fingerprinting. The other complication of a long wait is that formal documentation expires :( We had our reinspection on Thursday, March 28th and everything seems to be coming together with our approvals and documentation. Yipee!

So how have we been?

Waiting is never fun, but I continue to remind myself that we are waiting on God and not on the government, the paperwork, or the orphanage. It is easy to get frustrated by the process. It's unorganized and unpredictable. But through it all we know that God is faithful.

Several weeks ago I was driving to my friend Lisa's house to pick up something and I became overwhelmed with emotion. I said out loud to myself and God "this is an unexpected tender hearted moment" and then I began to cry harder because without meaning to, I had spoken the name of our orphanage (Tenderheart) and it made me miss our son even more. What was getting me choked up was the beauty of the friendship between Lisa's daughters. I had just gotten done showing Cara a video of the girls playing ball together. They are at an amazing age right now. They know a few words but mostly all you hear from them are squeaks and giggles. Watching Natalie and Noelle play together is absolutely priceless. They make each other laugh constantly. Cara adores them. Her favorite thing to do is pretend to chase them and then say "tickle, tickle, tickle" because it makes them laugh so hard. There was a part of my heart that was breaking in that moment because I so long for Cara to have a sibling of her own to laugh with like they do. Whenever she plays with other children Cara is her happiest. She has been so patient as she tells anyone who will listen that she is going to have a brother soon.

She collects things around the house and sets them aside for Ugi. She is planning a trip to Disney World for him (not that she's even been but she tells me she thinks he will love it). There is a growing mountain of stuffed animals, blankets, and special things in his crib. She tried to convince me that he would like her pink socks that don't fit anymore but I told her we could splurge to get him boy socks. LOL.

I have to remind myself that in the end this part of the journey will seem like a small blip in the timeline. The same way the 9 months of pregnancy can feel long and then all the sudden this little person is in your life and you're thinking "where did they come from?" Cara will not be alone forever. She's getting the exact brother God has planned for her and one day our house will be full of their laughter (and probably a few arguments...lets just be honest)

I often feel humbled that God would consider us up for the task of raising children, let alone raising children who come to us with a broken heart. The grief process for orphans is very real even if their mother never held them. They know that something is missing they just can't identify what. Children lucky enough to find themselves in an orphanage like Tenderheart are additionally burdened by having to part from their caretakers and 'brothers' and 'sisters' at the orphanage. Can you imagine growing up with a group of children, feeling like a family, and not understanding why you were taken from them? Thankfully, God is also a God of the brokenhearted. He promises to draw near to us and to bring the peace, comfort, and love that only He can.

Over and over again in scripture we see God looking out for the orphan. In Deuteronomy he commands the farmers not to pick their fields clean, but to leave behind grain for the foreigner, the orphan and the widow. In James 1:27 it says "Religion that God our Father accepts as pure and faultless is this: to look after oprhans and widows in their distress and to keep oneself from being polluted by the world." In Psalm 146:9 it says "The Lord watches over the foreigner and sustains the fatherless and the widow..." Countless times we see God hold cities accountable for mistreating their orphans and widows. He promises to hear their cries and defend them (traditionally a family is defended by the head of the household, the father...) God steps in for the fatherless and he is using us to do that. I am humbled everyday at the thought that we are a part of God's story for Ugi and he is a huge part of God's story for us! I never feel up for the task, but I know that not a single step on this journey has happened apart from God and God will continue to provide everything we need for each step of the way from patience and wisdom to practical needs. I am so thankful for a God that is bigger than me. We could not do this without him!

Overdue

There are a lot of thoughts buzzing around my head today so I apologize in advance if this blog is not my best.

The last time I sat down to write I spent nearly two hours adding pictures and updates. Once I was finished I went to spell check myself (because it's me we're talking about) and for whatever reason, everything got deleted.

So this post is long overdue.

If you haven't heard we are now #5 on the waiting list. They were able to find a home for Joan (a baby girl born blind) which is a huge praise. We also had one family put their adoption on hold due to a pregnancy of their own (here's hoping that was good news for them!). So that brings us to #5. We received an email last week saying that they hope to make a few more matches over the next few months.

In the meantime we have managed to connect with other NJ families looking to adopt from Africa. It's very comforting to hear that there are other families on this journey as well. It really normalizes things to hear other Moms share their experiences with delays and documentation errors. You can begin to think that it's your fault or that there must be more we should be doing. Having other families to check in with is great. It's also encouraging to know that there will be families that look like ours not too far away.

Almost every time I go out with Cara someone stops to tell me that we look just like each other. It hit me today while Cara and I were on a lunch date with friends when someone stopped to ask "Is that your daughter? She looks just like you!" - How will Ugi feel when he hears that? I have to trust that God will speak to his heart and help him to understand what an essential part of our family he is. I also have to remember to have a good attitude and use those moments as an opportunity to explain the beauty of adoption and how God brought our family together.

When we got married it helped me to understand God's love in a new way. It helped me to see how selfish I was and how amazing it can be to run the marathon of life with a committed partner by your side. When we had Cara I learned how instantly love can happen and how deep the bond can be between parent and child. Again I learned how selfish I was and how rewarding it can be when we begin to put others needs before our own. The world is so much more wonderful when it isn't all about me! I also began to see my faith in a whole new way through my child's eyes. Everything and everyone in the world is beautiful and valuable to her. She is never in a rush and her heart longs to spend time with those she loves (especially her friends). As we seek to bring our son home I am continuing to learn God's heart for those he loves. The way he waits patiently for us to come to him. The deep love he has for those that don't even know him yet. The beauty of taking a life lost and adopting it into your family permanently. I am sure this is just the start of many things that God plans to teach us through our adoption process. I also know that the waiting is actually the easiest part and process of bonding that is before us is sure to break my heart in a thousand ways. It will be a roller coaster of moments that take our breath away and moments where we just want to scream. But it will be worth it, so worth it.

 I keep reading in scripture about all the ways that God's people walk away from him, forget him, or out and out reject him for something perceived to be better. I am sure there will be days when, like God, we will have to fight hard to prove our love to our child(ren). I am sure there will be days when Ugi wonders why things didn't turn out another way for him, and he might wonder if another path was better. When we read the bible and see people doubting God it's like "come on you idiots he just rescued you again! He has given you everything you need. Why would you doubt him now?" But we all do it every day. We struggle to control things. We think we have a better way. We get lost in unrealistic expectations and then blame God when it doesn't work out like we planned. From our (Bill and Mine) perspective this adoption is planned and purposeful, but for Ugi there will always be a part of him that can't see that side of things. Above all else I just hope Ugi knows he is loved (and isn't that God's message to us?)

Radio Silence and a Night of Many Tears

Tonight we had to discipline Cara. She spent upwards of 10 min chewing the same bite of food and refusing to swallow her dinner. After much negotiation and numerous explanations about what would happen if she refused to eat her dinner, we felt we needed to stick to the boundaries we had set and send her to an early bedtime without stories. This is a sad punishment for us too because some of the most priceless memories are made as we tuck our sweet child into bed. Even as we went through the bedtime routine tonight and we were all sad I reminded her that she wasn't a bad kid, she was a very good girl who made a bad decision tonight.

Afterward I sat in the hallway outside her room. I promised to talk to her and help her calm down if she stopped crying. As I sat outside her door and listened to "Mommy I need you" and responded with "You're okay and I love you sooo much," I cried. Not just because I wanted to curl up with my little girl and assure her of my love but because not far down the hall sits another empty bedroom and a child somewhere is crying "Mommy I need you." But it's more than just a door and an unfinished dinner that separates me from my son.

This week the laws surrounding the adoption tax credit changed. Our family is no longer eligible for the nearly $13,000 tax credit we were planning to use to reimburse a portion of our adoption expenses. Somehow for me this was more than just money, it felt like a slap in the face of an already difficult journey.

In the midst of all this I feel like I am lost in radio silence. Our social worker retired and no one has contacted us about meeting with a new one. The only contact I receive is a generic newsletter sent sporadically to everyone associated with our orphanage. But what's worse than the silence from the adoption agencies is the silence I am feeling from God.

I can relate to how David feels in these excerpts from Psalm77:

I yell out to my God, I yell with all my might,
I yell at the top of my lungs. He listens.

^2-6 I found myself in trouble and went looking for my Lord;
my life was an open wound that wouldn’t heal.
When friends said, “Everything will turn out all right,”
I didn’t believe a word they said.
I remember God—and shake my head.
I bow my head—then wring my hands.
I’m awake all night—not a wink of sleep;
I can’t even say what’s bothering me.
I go over the days one by one,
I ponder the years gone by...

^{11-12 ...}Once again I’ll go over what God has done,
lay out on the table the ancient wonders;
I’ll ponder all the things you’ve accomplished,
and give a long, loving look at your acts.

^13-15 O God! Your way is holy!
No god is great like God!
You’re the God who makes things happen;
you showed everyone what you can do—
You pulled your people out of the worst kind of trouble,
rescued the children of Jacob and Joseph.

 

It's hard to remain confident as wave after wave of bad news or no news crashes over us. When God speaks clearly I am the first to do whatever is asked, but when God is silent I can become restless. That is why God has blessed me with Bill to run this marathon with (and it is a marathon). Tonight as my tears ran down my face my husband assured me of the many times we have heard God's voice calling us to be a family for the fatherless.

 

I think I already posted the lyrics to the song "You are I am"... it came on the radio again last night and I am always encouraged by the chorus:

 

You're the one who conquers giants
You're the one who calls out kings
You shut the mouths of lions
You tell the dead to breathe
You're the one who walks through fire
You take the orphan's hand
You are the one Messiah
You are I am

 

I know that even though I am not the one holding Ugi's hand tonight (even if no one is) God is there whispering "you're okay and I love you soooo much." He will take his hand and guide him to us at the right time.

 

It's hard surrendering the timeline I have for my family. It's become a daily thing. I try hard to pretend like I don't have a timeline, but it sneaks up on me and every now and then I look at the calendar and I'm angry that he still isn't home and that Cara is still asking "when mommy?" Some days it feels like I am letting her down but I have to trust that one day we will all look back and it will make sense. These years will feel like a blip and a lifetime of memories will wash away the loneliness we feel now.

 

God is good. I see that everyday in Cara's smile and my ability to stay home with her. I feel it each morning as my feet hit the floor. He will provide if it's $5 or $15,000. Even in the silence I can't deny His goodness.

 

Thank you for being on this journey with us and allowing me to process my heart externally with you. Your support is everything.

 

Lauren