As we stride into the last two weeks of our six week waiting period the temptation is to worry about the eleventh hour. You hear a lot of stories about adoption when people discover that you're adopting. It's in people's natural design to long to connect and so you hear stories about someone's aunt or neighbor that adopted or more personal stories about how someone's own family came to be.
I have heard countless stories about people who were within 24 hours of finalizing an adoption only to have someone change their mind in the eleventh hour. It is not wise for us to assume that because the final round of letters was sent out two weeks ago, that we are in the clear.
What I do know is that God exists outside of time. He already knows if and when we bring Simon home. He has already seen all the days of our lives, Simon included. It IS wise for us to trust Him. So when the temptation to worry creeps in I close my eyes and remember who created the stars so distant, powerful and majestic...the snowflakes so detailed, fragile and fleeting...the oceans so deep and full of life, color and beauty...tornados so powerful and specific...and my children so flawlessly perfect. That is who is in control.
Saturday, February 15, 2014
Monday, January 13, 2014
Conference Call
I sat down on the bed and my mind raced. 'Developments with Simon's case' what did that mean? I recalled my comment from the night before "0% of failed referrals come through."
I had to stop myself from hoping he would come home. At that moment all I knew was that for some reason God had given us another opportunity to be used in Simon's life. That was enough.
I had a few guesses about what might have happened but I knew that I was dealing with limited information from 6 months ago. Anything could have changed between then and now. I began preparing my heart for anything.
The beautiful thing about time is that it keeps moving even when your entire world is falling apart or coming back together. You can't rush it and you can't stop it. Time continues at the same constant rate and no amount of panic or pleading can change that.
We set the conference call for 10:45am the next day. In the meantime Lisa had been able to connect with Ken and Cathy and our lawyer one more time about Simon's case. Lisa calmly and clearly took us through the timeline of what they knew.
What I had been wondering in my heart this whole time was true..Simon's Uncle never came to get him.
They have agreed on a plan to write letters to all of Simon's relatives and allow 6 weeks for a response. If no one claims him within that time they will reopen his case and allow us to file our paperwork with the court system and request a date to obtain guardianship of Simon.
An open door. A second chance. A new beautiful photograph of my son's adorable face. Much older now but still so sweet and adorable. He's even wearing a party hat. Perhaps he was at Cara's birthday party in spirit after all.
So we continue to wait knowing that on our end this changes nothing at all. It is still a delicate situation and Simon may still have family interested in caring for him in Uganda. I am just so thankful that God continues to use us to bring Simon home. We were told to be cautiously optimistic. I suck at that. I am learning. The peace that is surrounding me is not my own. It feels like the few seconds before it rains or before a firework goes off. You know something explosive is about to happen but nothing you do will change it. You just hold your breath, look up and wait.
I had to stop myself from hoping he would come home. At that moment all I knew was that for some reason God had given us another opportunity to be used in Simon's life. That was enough.
I had a few guesses about what might have happened but I knew that I was dealing with limited information from 6 months ago. Anything could have changed between then and now. I began preparing my heart for anything.
The beautiful thing about time is that it keeps moving even when your entire world is falling apart or coming back together. You can't rush it and you can't stop it. Time continues at the same constant rate and no amount of panic or pleading can change that.
We set the conference call for 10:45am the next day. In the meantime Lisa had been able to connect with Ken and Cathy and our lawyer one more time about Simon's case. Lisa calmly and clearly took us through the timeline of what they knew.
What I had been wondering in my heart this whole time was true..Simon's Uncle never came to get him.
They have agreed on a plan to write letters to all of Simon's relatives and allow 6 weeks for a response. If no one claims him within that time they will reopen his case and allow us to file our paperwork with the court system and request a date to obtain guardianship of Simon.
An open door. A second chance. A new beautiful photograph of my son's adorable face. Much older now but still so sweet and adorable. He's even wearing a party hat. Perhaps he was at Cara's birthday party in spirit after all.
So we continue to wait knowing that on our end this changes nothing at all. It is still a delicate situation and Simon may still have family interested in caring for him in Uganda. I am just so thankful that God continues to use us to bring Simon home. We were told to be cautiously optimistic. I suck at that. I am learning. The peace that is surrounding me is not my own. It feels like the few seconds before it rains or before a firework goes off. You know something explosive is about to happen but nothing you do will change it. You just hold your breath, look up and wait.
0%
We just want to say thank you to everyone who has been tracking with our adoption journey so far. There is so much we wanted to share with you over these past few weeks but we felt that this part of the journey was a step of faith we needed to take alone until we had an answer. However, in an attempt to remain authentic I have continued to blog unpublished. I hope through these posts you will be able to see the thread of hope God has continued to weave throughout our story...
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When we are in a season of silence there are many days at a time where Bill and I can go without directly talking about the adoption. We always pray for Simon and Ugi at bedtime with Cara and it is never truly off our radar, but there are days when we can wait quietly.
Last night was not one of those nights. Cara was tucked sweetly in bed and Bill and I were watching TV. I pulled up an email that I had received from Helping Hand and showed it to Bill. It contained photos and descriptions of all the children still waiting to be adopted. I had looked over it earlier in the day and there was a little boy named Uriah. I was hoping that somehow God would speak to Bill when he saw Uriah's picture.
We've been together for 12 years so it didn't take Bill long to pick up on my hints. "There is obviously only one little boy on this list that fits the criteria we have been looking at. What is your heart here?" I guess I am not as smooth as I thought I was. And so began the conversation of waiting...
"Are you waiting on God or is this just another attempt to control..." He knows me well and I am so thankful for his accountability. I poured out my heart to him about what has been eating away at me in the silence.
I am just not hearing from God. I cannot let go of Simon. I so desperately want to follow God's plan and I am afraid my tunnel vision might limit my ability to see God move. What if he is calling us to something else and I can't hear him because I am so caught up in what I want? In an effort to be truly surrendered to God's plan we decided to stop 'the pill', we began looking at other countries, and I asked for the password to the waiting children's files because I know how hard it is to wait and what if there is someone who needs us right now?
I had also recently read another blog about adoption that said "healthy" children are no longer on the lists. The world of international adoption has changed greatly since Bill and I were called to adopt. Laws are being changed, countries are being held accountable, and orphans are finding homes in country. The blog post was about a boy with severe (but manageable) disabilities and it's author challenged the readers by saying that if you have been called to international adoption these are the kinds of kids you have been called to love. They are the ones still waiting because no one wants the added burden of physical therapy or doctors visits.
We continued to have a long conversation about our experiences in life and what God might be asking of us through this adoption. Bill confessed that he too secretly longed for our son to be Simon but that was impossible, maybe it was time to wrestle with God a little more and consider what exactly God was asking of us. I said to Bill 'In everything I have read about adoption 0% of the time does a failed referral turn around come through. I haven't heard a single story about it."
That must have been when God laughed... 0% Since when has that ever been a problem for God?
The next morning, Bill emailed Lisa, our social worker. He asked if there was any news or updates about Simon and he inquired about seeing Uriah's file.
At the same moment Lisa was getting an email from our lawyer in Uganda about Simon. She asked if we could conference call tomorrow. "Before we talk about any other children there have been some developments with Simon..."
I was running on the treadmill when Bill texted me. Some things just stop you dead in your tracks!
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When we are in a season of silence there are many days at a time where Bill and I can go without directly talking about the adoption. We always pray for Simon and Ugi at bedtime with Cara and it is never truly off our radar, but there are days when we can wait quietly.
Last night was not one of those nights. Cara was tucked sweetly in bed and Bill and I were watching TV. I pulled up an email that I had received from Helping Hand and showed it to Bill. It contained photos and descriptions of all the children still waiting to be adopted. I had looked over it earlier in the day and there was a little boy named Uriah. I was hoping that somehow God would speak to Bill when he saw Uriah's picture.
We've been together for 12 years so it didn't take Bill long to pick up on my hints. "There is obviously only one little boy on this list that fits the criteria we have been looking at. What is your heart here?" I guess I am not as smooth as I thought I was. And so began the conversation of waiting...
"Are you waiting on God or is this just another attempt to control..." He knows me well and I am so thankful for his accountability. I poured out my heart to him about what has been eating away at me in the silence.
I am just not hearing from God. I cannot let go of Simon. I so desperately want to follow God's plan and I am afraid my tunnel vision might limit my ability to see God move. What if he is calling us to something else and I can't hear him because I am so caught up in what I want? In an effort to be truly surrendered to God's plan we decided to stop 'the pill', we began looking at other countries, and I asked for the password to the waiting children's files because I know how hard it is to wait and what if there is someone who needs us right now?
I had also recently read another blog about adoption that said "healthy" children are no longer on the lists. The world of international adoption has changed greatly since Bill and I were called to adopt. Laws are being changed, countries are being held accountable, and orphans are finding homes in country. The blog post was about a boy with severe (but manageable) disabilities and it's author challenged the readers by saying that if you have been called to international adoption these are the kinds of kids you have been called to love. They are the ones still waiting because no one wants the added burden of physical therapy or doctors visits.
We continued to have a long conversation about our experiences in life and what God might be asking of us through this adoption. Bill confessed that he too secretly longed for our son to be Simon but that was impossible, maybe it was time to wrestle with God a little more and consider what exactly God was asking of us. I said to Bill 'In everything I have read about adoption 0% of the time does a failed referral turn around come through. I haven't heard a single story about it."
That must have been when God laughed... 0% Since when has that ever been a problem for God?
The next morning, Bill emailed Lisa, our social worker. He asked if there was any news or updates about Simon and he inquired about seeing Uriah's file.
At the same moment Lisa was getting an email from our lawyer in Uganda about Simon. She asked if we could conference call tomorrow. "Before we talk about any other children there have been some developments with Simon..."
I was running on the treadmill when Bill texted me. Some things just stop you dead in your tracks!
Thursday, December 19, 2013
Echo
The holidays are wonderful for a lot of reasons. One of my favorites is that my college students come back for an extended break and I get to hear all about their adventures of becoming an adult.
Yesterday I was driving with one of my alumni and she said, "I'm so sorry you guys have had to go through all of this. I have been wanting to write to you but I never know what to say." I reassured her that even in the midst of post traumatic stress or whatever this is, that we always fall back on our faith and the original author of this story. I sound like a broken record but, this was never about us.
The grief is very real though. I finally came up with a metaphor that made some sense to me. I feel like I am living life with a big hollow echo. The more wonderful the family moment, the louder the echo is that Simon is missing.
This past weekend we hosted all of our family to celebrate Caraline's 4th birthday. My niece, Charlotte, was there and she is one month younger than Simon. If you could see love in a real form you would be blinded by the love between Cara and Charlotte. It's intoxicating. Eyes glowing, shreeks of joy followed by endless laughter...
Then there is the echo. If Simon were here Cara could have days like this all the time. She would always have someone to seek or tag or get mad at when they touch her toys. It's just a quite tug on my heart that longs for what could have been.
I'm sure it's normal. I'm sure it's not healthy. I don't know if it will ever pass.
I know he was never legally ours, but knowing he is out there is hard. It's different than loosing my grandmother and wishing she were still here to see them play because he isn't gone, he's just not...here.
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Meanwhile the updates from Uganda are still worth praise. They have been working to construct a new babies home that will have a medical clinic and other great things for the kids. It will mean owning vs. renting and a lot more room for more orphans. It's now 65% done.
They have also nearly finished finding churches or businesses who will agree to cover one month's rent each year for the home. This means soon they will be fully funded on a regular basis and that looming wonder about if there will be enough will be gone.
I asked about Simon. We're pretty sure he is still at the orphange. He was when Lisa traveled in November. They promised to update me after the first of the year. I know he doesn't know what Christmas is and that he has no idea about the traditions. It will be an ordinary day and he will be happy. It is just the enemy on my end taunting me to think about what is missing. It is a constant pulling to focus on what isn't instead of what is. "Do not be overcome by evil, but overcome evil with good." Romans 12:21 I am doing as many acts of kindness and generosity as I can this holiday. Forcing myself to bring as much good as I can.
This past Sunday we talked about the gift of presence vs presents. I know that Simon is surrounded by God's presence (even if he doesn't yet understand). My prayer is that he will feel that love surround him this holiday season.
My broken heart has been landing in Romans 12 for the past week or so:
Yesterday I was driving with one of my alumni and she said, "I'm so sorry you guys have had to go through all of this. I have been wanting to write to you but I never know what to say." I reassured her that even in the midst of post traumatic stress or whatever this is, that we always fall back on our faith and the original author of this story. I sound like a broken record but, this was never about us.
The grief is very real though. I finally came up with a metaphor that made some sense to me. I feel like I am living life with a big hollow echo. The more wonderful the family moment, the louder the echo is that Simon is missing.
This past weekend we hosted all of our family to celebrate Caraline's 4th birthday. My niece, Charlotte, was there and she is one month younger than Simon. If you could see love in a real form you would be blinded by the love between Cara and Charlotte. It's intoxicating. Eyes glowing, shreeks of joy followed by endless laughter...
Then there is the echo. If Simon were here Cara could have days like this all the time. She would always have someone to seek or tag or get mad at when they touch her toys. It's just a quite tug on my heart that longs for what could have been.
I'm sure it's normal. I'm sure it's not healthy. I don't know if it will ever pass.
I know he was never legally ours, but knowing he is out there is hard. It's different than loosing my grandmother and wishing she were still here to see them play because he isn't gone, he's just not...here.
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Meanwhile the updates from Uganda are still worth praise. They have been working to construct a new babies home that will have a medical clinic and other great things for the kids. It will mean owning vs. renting and a lot more room for more orphans. It's now 65% done.
They have also nearly finished finding churches or businesses who will agree to cover one month's rent each year for the home. This means soon they will be fully funded on a regular basis and that looming wonder about if there will be enough will be gone.
I asked about Simon. We're pretty sure he is still at the orphange. He was when Lisa traveled in November. They promised to update me after the first of the year. I know he doesn't know what Christmas is and that he has no idea about the traditions. It will be an ordinary day and he will be happy. It is just the enemy on my end taunting me to think about what is missing. It is a constant pulling to focus on what isn't instead of what is. "Do not be overcome by evil, but overcome evil with good." Romans 12:21 I am doing as many acts of kindness and generosity as I can this holiday. Forcing myself to bring as much good as I can.
This past Sunday we talked about the gift of presence vs presents. I know that Simon is surrounded by God's presence (even if he doesn't yet understand). My prayer is that he will feel that love surround him this holiday season.
My broken heart has been landing in Romans 12 for the past week or so:
9 Love must be sincere. Hate what is evil; cling to what is good. 10 Be devoted to one another in love. Honor one another above yourselves. 11 Never be lacking in zeal, but keep your spiritual fervor, serving the Lord. 12 Be joyful in hope, patient in affliction, faithful in prayer. 13 Share with the Lord’s people who are in need. Practice hospitality.
14 Bless those who persecute you; bless and do not curse. 15 Rejoice with those who rejoice; mourn with those who mourn. 16 Live in harmony with one another. Do not be proud, but be willing to associate with people of low position.[a] Do not be conceited.
17 Do not repay anyone evil for evil. Be careful to do what is right in the eyes of everyone.18 If it is possible, as far as it depends on you, live at peace with everyone.
I am trying to be sincere. To cling to what is good. I am trying to be joyful and patient. To live out all the things in this verse by the strength of the one who promises to equip me for every good work.
I need to be honest and say that it's not working, but that doesn't mean it's wrong. I find comfort in the strength behind this passage. There is a time to mourn loss. It's ok that I'm broken.
I think that sometimes this blog freaks people out because they don't know how to react to my brokeness. If that is you, please know that you don't have to feel awkward. Just give me a hug and a little grace for the moment. God never said it would be easy, he only said I'd never have to walk this road alone.
There is a little one out there for us. In the meantime, we wait for God to show us the next step. Waiting sucks, but it usually means that something is coming. So I choose to wait expectantly. :)
Saturday, November 23, 2013
An honest look at this Thanksgiving
There is a pumpkin on my porch that has the words "Happy Thanksgiving" beautifully caligraphied on the front. What isn't as easily seen is that the pumpkin is slowly rotting from the inside out. The only evidence is a small black spot on the back that gets slightly larger each day. I don't know if it will make it to thanksgiving. Some days I am not so sure I will either.
Everyday I am tempted to cross out the word "Happy" and let the whole world in on the secret that I am hiding. This Thanksgiving doesn't feel 'happy'. I am battling the lie that this somehow makes me a bad Christian. Everyday I talk myself out of crossing out the 'happy' because the pumpkin is pretty and ruining that won't help anyone understand.
I will be thankful this Thanksgiving. Of course I will. I only need to sneak a peak into the next room to see that sweet little face and recall a million reasons to be thankful. I only need to set foot in my husbands school to be proud of the huge impact he is making there and know that God has blessed me richly with a man I can both love and respect. Five minutes on the phone with my Mom or a quick text from a friend and the list gets longer. There is so much to be thankful for...
And then the black spot on my pumpkin grows bigger. I think of Thanksgiving and the wound in my heart is fresh again. My mother-in-law can be found saying at almost every birthday and holiday "I am just so thankful all my kids are here!" She looks around the table and her heart is full. I look around the table and I see an empty chair.
My pumpkin is rotting with the word "happy" on the front. I don't know if that metaphore will make as much sense to you as it does to me.
The news from Uganda is not good. Things in the country are changing and international adoption might not be an option, at least for a while. There are two children who MIGHT make it out before the freeze but both children are wildly outside the boundaries we set for this adoption. Under normal circumstances we would never have even been told they exist (you are only ever referred a child that fits within the extensive parameters you set in your dossier paperwork).
We don't know what God would have us do next. We sit at His throne fully surrendered.
In the meantime I ache. I still wish we were in Uganda and not making holiday pies. Another mother said it perfectly tonight and I tried to copy and paste it here but technology got in the way. If you got here via Facebook I shared this mothers comment on our wall. Please go read it. She understands.
It is not that there isn't joy. It is not that there isn't peace. It is not that there isn't thankfulness this holiday. It is just that every heartwarming moment is ever so slightly altered by the fact that someone is missing it. I long to share my birthdays and holidays with a full table.
Even if it never happens this side of Heaven I know that God is in control and I have an eternity of celebrating to do with every orphan that ever needed a Momma.
I know that my broken heart comes from God, that might sound like He is mean. It has nothing to do with my circumstances or my pumpkin. God has broken my heart for these orphans. He has allowed me to see the world through His eyes and I can't unsee it.
I know that God will sustain me. I know that He is with me. I trust His plan. He wouldn't place such a burden on me and not use it for good.
In the meantime please pray for our family as you share your reasons to be thankful this holiday. Thanks.
Everyday I am tempted to cross out the word "Happy" and let the whole world in on the secret that I am hiding. This Thanksgiving doesn't feel 'happy'. I am battling the lie that this somehow makes me a bad Christian. Everyday I talk myself out of crossing out the 'happy' because the pumpkin is pretty and ruining that won't help anyone understand.
I will be thankful this Thanksgiving. Of course I will. I only need to sneak a peak into the next room to see that sweet little face and recall a million reasons to be thankful. I only need to set foot in my husbands school to be proud of the huge impact he is making there and know that God has blessed me richly with a man I can both love and respect. Five minutes on the phone with my Mom or a quick text from a friend and the list gets longer. There is so much to be thankful for...
And then the black spot on my pumpkin grows bigger. I think of Thanksgiving and the wound in my heart is fresh again. My mother-in-law can be found saying at almost every birthday and holiday "I am just so thankful all my kids are here!" She looks around the table and her heart is full. I look around the table and I see an empty chair.
My pumpkin is rotting with the word "happy" on the front. I don't know if that metaphore will make as much sense to you as it does to me.
The news from Uganda is not good. Things in the country are changing and international adoption might not be an option, at least for a while. There are two children who MIGHT make it out before the freeze but both children are wildly outside the boundaries we set for this adoption. Under normal circumstances we would never have even been told they exist (you are only ever referred a child that fits within the extensive parameters you set in your dossier paperwork).
We don't know what God would have us do next. We sit at His throne fully surrendered.
In the meantime I ache. I still wish we were in Uganda and not making holiday pies. Another mother said it perfectly tonight and I tried to copy and paste it here but technology got in the way. If you got here via Facebook I shared this mothers comment on our wall. Please go read it. She understands.
It is not that there isn't joy. It is not that there isn't peace. It is not that there isn't thankfulness this holiday. It is just that every heartwarming moment is ever so slightly altered by the fact that someone is missing it. I long to share my birthdays and holidays with a full table.
Even if it never happens this side of Heaven I know that God is in control and I have an eternity of celebrating to do with every orphan that ever needed a Momma.
I know that my broken heart comes from God, that might sound like He is mean. It has nothing to do with my circumstances or my pumpkin. God has broken my heart for these orphans. He has allowed me to see the world through His eyes and I can't unsee it.
I know that God will sustain me. I know that He is with me. I trust His plan. He wouldn't place such a burden on me and not use it for good.
In the meantime please pray for our family as you share your reasons to be thankful this holiday. Thanks.
Monday, October 21, 2013
Case Closed
If only you could truly be inside my head. You would surely laugh. At times I feel like David looking at Goliath and knowing I have the God given ability to knock him down and I am just waiting for someone to say "go!" so I can sling this rock and get on with what needs to be done. What I wouldn't give to cut off the enemy's head about now.
At times I feel like Moses standing before Pharaoh begging him to let my people go.
At times I'm just myself kicking and screaming, jumping and cheering because I know that God is bigger than all power and authority and it doesn't matter what laws are in place, God could bring Simon home.
But sometimes the answer is just no. Sometimes we aren't meant to sling the rock or release a billion frogs on our enemy. Sometimes the social worker calls and says the lawyer has officially closed the case. Not that we walk away from the challenge or that we give up on the fight but if the officials call the game you don't keep playing. You stop, rest, wait and train for the next round.
So today I took Simon's picture off the wall and placed it in my bible where I will always be reminded to pray for him as he grows up. Then I finally went into Cara's room and hung his star near hers so that in some way they will always be together. I changed the picture on my phone from his precious little feet to one of my beautiful Caraline making me so proud at school.
Today I said"goodbye" instead of "see you soon."
A week ago today I was reminded by a good friend that I have been blessed beyond measure. She challenged me to treasure the details of my life now. What an incredible gift it is to stop and treasure the details of your life. I have absolutely nothing to be sad about and so much worth being thankful for, including Simon.
So while this news is always hard to process, I am thankful for the closure. I am thankful for a chance to go back on the waiting list and have an opportunity to be used in another child's life. Above everything else...today I am thankful.
At times I feel like Moses standing before Pharaoh begging him to let my people go.
At times I'm just myself kicking and screaming, jumping and cheering because I know that God is bigger than all power and authority and it doesn't matter what laws are in place, God could bring Simon home.
But sometimes the answer is just no. Sometimes we aren't meant to sling the rock or release a billion frogs on our enemy. Sometimes the social worker calls and says the lawyer has officially closed the case. Not that we walk away from the challenge or that we give up on the fight but if the officials call the game you don't keep playing. You stop, rest, wait and train for the next round.
So today I took Simon's picture off the wall and placed it in my bible where I will always be reminded to pray for him as he grows up. Then I finally went into Cara's room and hung his star near hers so that in some way they will always be together. I changed the picture on my phone from his precious little feet to one of my beautiful Caraline making me so proud at school.
Today I said"goodbye" instead of "see you soon."
A week ago today I was reminded by a good friend that I have been blessed beyond measure. She challenged me to treasure the details of my life now. What an incredible gift it is to stop and treasure the details of your life. I have absolutely nothing to be sad about and so much worth being thankful for, including Simon.
So while this news is always hard to process, I am thankful for the closure. I am thankful for a chance to go back on the waiting list and have an opportunity to be used in another child's life. Above everything else...today I am thankful.
Friday, October 11, 2013
You Can Learn a Lot From Your Purse
So this morning Cara and I were in a mad dash to avoid being stuck behind the recycle truck. It rumbled down our street threatening to make us late for preschool. We were up early today and actually ready to sprint out the door when I couldn't find my keys (I mean really, who is surprised?) In an effort to move quickly I dumped the entire contents of my purse onto the couch.
Laughing all the way we dashed to the car and buckled up "fast, fast, fast" to beat the truck. Victory! We snuck out just in time.
As I came back home I walked past the pile of my purse contents on the couch. I found some trash, a few wrinkled receipts from past purchases, half an acorn (Cara loves to collect things from nature), sunglasses, a sunscreen stick, a princess necklace, a spoon, a library card, hand sanitizer and a pen. I looked at the pile on this rainy day and thought how useless the sunglasses would be today. Then I looked at the sunscreen and thought that I should probably put that back in our bag of summer things, it was silly to hold onto it now. As I cleaned up the princess necklace, spoon and acorn I was reminded of all the amazing things I learn from my daughter everyday. The library card and receipts reminded me of the places I had traveled this week. All in all it wasn't too much of a mess (I've definitely seen worse) but I laughed at how much I was carrying around with me that I didn't need to.
I was struck at what a neat metaphor this was for our hearts and how we really could really benefit from dumping ourselves out before God and letting go of the things we aren't meant to carry. I thought about how beautiful it would be to get on my knees before God and empty myself at his throne. So of course my next move was to do the dishes. Sometimes when wisdom hits it takes a few seconds to sink in.
With the sink clean I caught up on some text messages with people I had been meaning to connect with and a few quick emails. Then, it hit me like big truck rumbling down the street, my heart quickly becoming overwhelmed. Like the recycle truck I saw it coming and I knew I needed to be prepared. As my eyes welled up my knees bent. In the back room surrounded by tiny tables and a toy kitchen I dumped my heart out before God. "I trust you" was the only thing I manged to say out loud before the tears came. Life is changing seasons but I'm still holding onto the sunscreen. I am unable to close the door on this little boy who invaded my heart and found a permanent home there. So I just cried silently to Jesus about the places where my heart aches and I spoke aloud his promises to never leave me. I let my mascara run as I confessed all the things in my life that I felt were unfair; all the children that have come into our friends and families lives while we wait patiently for Ugi to come home and all the things we put on hold because we might travel soon. I confessed my jealously and my selfish plans. I thanked God for the opportunities before me but confessed that I'd rather be in Africa. None of this was new to him but it felt good to dump it all out and sort through the mess.
The funny thing of it all is that my keys were never in my purse to begin with. I found them on the kitchen counter after I dumped my entire purse out on the couch. It was the same with my hope. I had momentarily misplaced it but that was the catalyst I needed to turn my heart to God today and seek His strength to carry on. Just like my keys, I found my hope and the vision for my life right where I had left them, at the feet of Jesus.
Laughing all the way we dashed to the car and buckled up "fast, fast, fast" to beat the truck. Victory! We snuck out just in time.
As I came back home I walked past the pile of my purse contents on the couch. I found some trash, a few wrinkled receipts from past purchases, half an acorn (Cara loves to collect things from nature), sunglasses, a sunscreen stick, a princess necklace, a spoon, a library card, hand sanitizer and a pen. I looked at the pile on this rainy day and thought how useless the sunglasses would be today. Then I looked at the sunscreen and thought that I should probably put that back in our bag of summer things, it was silly to hold onto it now. As I cleaned up the princess necklace, spoon and acorn I was reminded of all the amazing things I learn from my daughter everyday. The library card and receipts reminded me of the places I had traveled this week. All in all it wasn't too much of a mess (I've definitely seen worse) but I laughed at how much I was carrying around with me that I didn't need to.
I was struck at what a neat metaphor this was for our hearts and how we really could really benefit from dumping ourselves out before God and letting go of the things we aren't meant to carry. I thought about how beautiful it would be to get on my knees before God and empty myself at his throne. So of course my next move was to do the dishes. Sometimes when wisdom hits it takes a few seconds to sink in.
With the sink clean I caught up on some text messages with people I had been meaning to connect with and a few quick emails. Then, it hit me like big truck rumbling down the street, my heart quickly becoming overwhelmed. Like the recycle truck I saw it coming and I knew I needed to be prepared. As my eyes welled up my knees bent. In the back room surrounded by tiny tables and a toy kitchen I dumped my heart out before God. "I trust you" was the only thing I manged to say out loud before the tears came. Life is changing seasons but I'm still holding onto the sunscreen. I am unable to close the door on this little boy who invaded my heart and found a permanent home there. So I just cried silently to Jesus about the places where my heart aches and I spoke aloud his promises to never leave me. I let my mascara run as I confessed all the things in my life that I felt were unfair; all the children that have come into our friends and families lives while we wait patiently for Ugi to come home and all the things we put on hold because we might travel soon. I confessed my jealously and my selfish plans. I thanked God for the opportunities before me but confessed that I'd rather be in Africa. None of this was new to him but it felt good to dump it all out and sort through the mess.
The funny thing of it all is that my keys were never in my purse to begin with. I found them on the kitchen counter after I dumped my entire purse out on the couch. It was the same with my hope. I had momentarily misplaced it but that was the catalyst I needed to turn my heart to God today and seek His strength to carry on. Just like my keys, I found my hope and the vision for my life right where I had left them, at the feet of Jesus.
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