Looking Back/ Looking Forward

Facebook has a feature that I am sure most users are very familiar with. It is called "On This Day." A part of me wonders if the creators of this feature fully understood the impact that something like this could have. For those of you that don't know, the app looks back over all your prior posts on the current date as far back as you have had a facebook account. It quickly lists for you on one screen what memories you have collected year after year.

It has been a fun way to look back at photos of my kids as they have grown. It has also brought back many hilarious memories with friends and important milestones as a family. I do my best to check it everyday because it is a good reality check that 1) life happens in seasons and good or bad things could be very different tomorrow 2) a year can make a huge difference in any given situation and 3) I usually have a lot more to be thankful for then I realize.

It was today's "On This Day" moment from 2015 that prompted me to begin this blog again. I'm not sure how many people will read it, but I realized that I need these memories more than anyone. That my own words and God inspired wisdom can be the very reminders I need to keep going.

I am embarrassed to say that you have ALL heard me complain over this past year. If you have been kind enough to ask how I am doing or happened to offer me a hug at a vulnerable moment...you have heard the stories of my heavy heart. Finding my way on this new path has been something that has rocked me to my core and broken my heart in more ways than I knew possible. It has brought out the worst in me (which I am now learning is all a part of how God intends to refine me).

Still, even in the darkest moments, there is a hope I cannot deny. However, I have gotten good at ignoring it. Some days it is easier to to be cranky than to be hopeful. Some days feel unfair or unending. 

As usual, God has given me a song to guide me through and put words to an emotion I couldn't otherwise express. This time it is "Thy Will Be Done" by Hillary Scott

I'm so confused
I know I heard you loud and clear
So, I followed through
Somehow I ended up here
I don't wanna think
I may never understand
That my broken heart is a part of your plan
When I try to pray
All I've got is hurt and these four words

Thy will be done

I know you're good
But this don't feel good right now
And I know you think
Of things I could never think about
It's hard to count it all joy
Distracted by the noise
Just trying to make sense
Of all your promises
Sometimes I gotta stop
Remember that you're God
And I am not
So

Thy will be done
Like a child on my knees all that comes to me is
Thy will be done

I know you see me

I know you hear me, Lord
Your plans are for me
Goodness you have in store

The first time I heard this song on the radio I had to pull over and let the rush of emotions take hold of me. It was like someone found out my secret and wrote a song about it. There are times when I wonder, did we make the right choice? Am I really what he needs? Those thoughts never last long though because there is no doubt who started us on this journey and God doesn't make mistakes.

He was so clear. This is our path. 

Every tear. Every battle for control. Every broken item. Even my broken heart. This is our path.

It sounds awful. I know I have made it sound awful because when you are knee deep in it (and often over your head as well) sometimes all you can see is the awful. BUT it is also beautiful. It is beautiful because God is in it. He hasn't abandoned us to a lifetime of complicated and shut the door. No. He holds me in my broken moments. He forgives me when I loose control. He gently guides me each day to look to him and join him in this process.

I actually prayed this week "Lord, I know you brought us down this path to refine me. I know you are using him to bring out the worst in me so that I can face what is ugly and have victory over it. However, I feel like soon there will be nothing left of me to refine. I've got nothing left."

Then I sat there and very slowly God spoke to my heart and said "exactly." Slowly my exhaustion turned to gratitude as I realized that's the goal...more of Him and less of me. The entire process of sanctification is meant to make us more like Christ. I am in process. As I said so wisely just a year ago...I am in the middle of my marathon. God's not finished with me yet.

Christmas Card

Dear Friends and Family,

We wanted to take a moment and wish you all a very Merry Christmas! We love getting your Christmas Cards in the mail and having a small window into your world. 

This year has been both the hardest year and the best year so far. Next week we will celebrate one year with Isaac being forever part of our family. It has been wonderful to look back and remember all that God has done. This time last year Isaac was saying his first words ever and we were hearing his laughter for the first time. Now he makes us laugh every single day and we love listening to his stories. This time last year we were experiencing the greatest gift our family has ever been given...8 weeks of uninterrupted time to bond and cherish each other. Of course this time was wrapped up in a season of waiting and being very far from home but we look back now and we can see it for the gift that it was.

Becoming a family of 4 in such a nontraditional way as walked us through brokenness and pain, but it has also taught us a level of love and patience that only the holy spirit could bring. We have experienced nearly 4 years of "Firsts" crammed into just 12 short months. Everything from eating with a fork, to first words, to finding Elfy; our hide and seek friend. 

God has used Cara and Isaac to teach me more than I can summarize in a blog post or Christmas card. Of course they bicker and fight like siblings. Our house echos with "He hit me" and "She took my toy" but I have also seen such beautiful examples of love. Cara protects Isaac with a fierce passion. She reminds me often what Grace and Mercy look like lived out as she finds the right words to calm me down if I'm upset over another broken item or misplaced glove or accidental moment. If Cara is given a reward or a prize she is quick to split it with her brother or make sure he has something equally wonderful. Isaac shares his love with hugs that often seem to come out of no where but are always accompanied by "I wuv wu". 

I could not be more grateful for Bill. He is the most loving husband and incredible father. He never knows if he will be coming home to an exhausted Mommy or dance party in our rain boots (Isaac has become quite the fan of hosting "parties" in the kitchen). Regardless of the kind of day he has had,he comes home, dives in and loves on each of us. 

I am also continually thankful for each and every one of you that has reached out with a meal, a note, a text or "like" to let us know that you are cheering us on. Following God on this road has taken more than I knew I could give. Each moment of each day is it's own unique battle or victory. We could NOT have made it this far on our own. THANK YOU and THANK GOD for everything.

With Our Deepest Love,

Bill, Lauren, Caraline & Isaac

 

Summer Moments

Sometimes you just know you are living out a moment that you will remember forever. In these moments I like to stop and smell the air, close my eyes and listen to the sounds and then open them to gaze at my surroundings. I have a horrible memory so if I don't slow down and take it all in the moment might slip past me.

Isaac's first night at the beach was one of these moments. After all the adventures of learning to trust me and splash bravely in the waves I got to watch my children from across the campfire as they gobbled down hot dogs and laughed with their friends. As the stars came out and the sky grew darker it was so entertaining to watch them dig holes in the sand and explore the beach in the darkness.

We had another great moment a few Friday's ago that still makes my face light up when I think back to it. We were over a friends house for bible study and it had grown very late. By the time the kids came out of the playroom to join the adults for dessert (blueberry cobbler...oh how I love summer!) it had grown dark outside. I had taken the kids outside on the deck for several reasons 1) they were being loud 2) blueberry cobbler is very messy and stains when spilled 3) Isaac did not want their large dog to share his dessert.

We all sat down on the deck steps making yummy sounds as we enjoyed this special treat. It wasn't until the last bite was safely in our tummies that we looked up and saw them...lightning bugs! Thankfully, I turned off all the mommy alarms in my head (it's very late, the kids are sticky and over tired, we have somewhere to be early tomorrow..) and we dove into the fun of trying to catch them.

For Isaac it went like this: He would see their glow and run as fast as he could toward the spot where he believed the bug to be. He would grab frantically at the air and then come running back to me with palms wide open to show me his bug (which was obviously not still in his hand) then he would pretend to eat the bug and spin in a circle in squeal with delight about how funny it was to "eat" them.

For Cara it went like this: She would creep slowly through the grass with her hands wide open trying to track where the last glow had come from. I would pass the ones I captured to Cara and she would stare in awe as it crawled around her hand. I watched her whisper to them and then watch as they took flight and began to glow again.

After we successfully chased all the lightning bugs out of our friends yard the game changed to "find mommy." I would sneak away in the dark and crouch down in the grass and wait for Isaac and Cara to come running and tackle me in the grass. After a big tickle fight I would sneak away to hide again. This came quickly turned into "chase mommy" and then "mommy run and hold Isaac" and then "spin until we are too dizzy to stand." By the time we joined the others back inside we were sweaty, overtired and full of giggles.

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We weren't sure what to expect when we took Isaac to see his first fireworks. 4th of July is a big tradition for my family. We always go to Aunt Joyce and Uncle Steve's because you can see the fireworks from their pool. Growing up there was always a large party with lots of guests, food and family fun. When Uncle Steve passed away a few years ago it left a void in our family that was always felt strongest on the 4th of July. We weren't sure if the tradition would continue but as next generation began to grown in our family we have all found our way back to Uncle Steve's pool for the fireworks.

This year the fireworks were accompanied by a soundtrack of little voices as the cousins experienced the bright colors together...

"wow, that was the biggest one."
"oooo, that was the loudest one."
"Mommy! Why fireworks in the pool?!"
"Mommy! Why oooo   ahhh?"
"I want to touch firework"

By the end of the fireworks all 4 of us were packed into one chair and shouting out as our favorite colors lit up the sky.

However, for me the best part was the ride home. Cara sweetly fell fast asleep but not Isaac. He went on for 45 min about "Purple! Yellow! Green" and how they were "Up high in the sky" and a million questions about "why go boom?", "Why so high" He recounted the night by saying "Mommy, Isaac 'ooooo' 'ahhh'" Then we laughed to ourselves as we heard sounds from the back seat as he tried to mimic the sounds the fireworks made. When we asked him if he liked the fireworks he shouted "Yeah!" and started over with "Purple! Yellow! Green!".... all I could do was smile.

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This was also a great first for my kids....

A rope swing! It is fun when they can experience firsts together. They took turns all night long saying "Daddy/Mommy push me higher!" It was wonderful to watch them as they learn to take risks and trust us with each push. It was also encouraging to watch them include one another..."Your turn!" I'll let the photos speak for themselves here.

That Could Have Gone Better

Do you ever have those moments as a parent where you are hearing yourself and you know what you are saying is ridiculous but out it comes anyway?

"No one can touch each other ever again for the rest of your lives?!"

"No more speaking! We are done with words for now."

"Once was an accident but TWICE is too much! Clean that up or you'll never have milk without a lid again!"

I wish I could say I made these up, but those sentences actually came out of my mouth this week. All the while I heard laughter in my own head and a sweet voice reminding me "what if my grace for you ran out after you made the same mistake twice?" or "What if you came to me with a problem and I declared that I had already dealt with enough problems that day?"

Thank goodness for my Heavenly Father who reminds me constantly how much I need his grace and how important it is to share his grace with others, especially my kids.

It took the entire 45 min ride to my parents house (where my kids were having dinner so I could take a break) for me to come up with a list of positive things that had happened that day. As soon as I opened the car door to the back seat I got down on my knees, looked my kids in the eyes and listed off all the moments that I was thankful for that day. I hugged them, told them I loved them and then sent them to go have fun with Poppy.

I came home, had ice cream for dinner and sat down take a breath and listen to God. My kids hadn't listened to me once the ENTIRE day and I was spent. I felt invisible, ignored and insignificant. I realized that I hadn't been good at listening today either. I could feel God tugging at my heart all day but I was too caught up in my own parenting to listen to my heavenly father offering me advice too.

Okay Lord, help me try again tomorrow...

June 19th

This morning I awoke with a heart that was overflowing with emotion and yet totally at peace. This date on the calendar marks many things for our family. To call today a celebration of what God has done is almost an understatement. I feel a little bit like an academy award winner when I say that "all of the glory goes to God." That statement can be shared in a flippant way like "God bless you" or "I'll pray for you" but in this case the truth behind it simply cannot be ignored. ALL OF THE GLORY GOES TO GOD!

For those of you that own a copy of Jesus Calling, get it out and read the entry for June 19th (for those of you that don't own this devotional, go buy it! Mine is 8 years old and I keep going back to it). The title for today is "I Am The Firm Foundation." This could not be more true for Bill and I.

So what exactly are we giving him credit for? Everything!

10 years ago today, I married the most incredible friend I have ever had. In our ceremony the first thing we did after being pronounced husband and wife was not "kiss the bride." We stepped away from our ceremony and while a good friend sang beautifully to the audience Bill and I snuck away to pray thank God as our very first act as husband and wife. He is our foundation. It wasn't this act or anything else that we have done that has kept us together this long. My goodness, if it were up to us we would have messed this up long ago. We have had to fight hard against distractions, traditions and expectations to keep our eyes fixed on God and not our family, our jobs, our kids or each other. Following God with abandon has led us to this day and we are so thankful!

6 months ago today, our phone rang and then a big black van drove through the gates of African Village and officially brought Isaac home into our family. If you have read any of this blog you know that God's hands have been at work in every step of this victory for our family.

(see facebook for video)

6 months ago today was also Cara's 5th birthday and her wish of being a big sister finally came true.

Today marks Cara's last day of preschool. I cannot even begin to say what a faith step this was for us. We lost our referral for Simon on her first day of preschool in 2013. Everything in my broken heart wanted to drive back to Cara's school, snatch her up and never let go. I couldn't loose both my babies in one day (and for this emotional mommy, it felt that way). I had to trust that we had followed God and made the right decision by enrolling her at age 3. It felt too soon but God knew the timing was right. He had put her in Miss Vaughn's class and he intended for her to bloom there and she absolutely has. We could not be more thankful for all of the ways Cara has grown as a result of her time in preschool.

Today's devotion also had this incredible truth "Give up striving to keep everything under control--an impossible task and a wast of precious energy." I am so thankful for this message. As we enter yet another season of unknown(s) for our family it has been incredible to look back at all we have to be thankful for and also reminded that none of it was because of my/our control. Almost the opposite really, it is time times we have let go and trusted that we have been the most blessed.

The Next Unknown

The next Unknown

I just finished a beautiful devotion in a book designed for Moms who have said yes to the Fatherless. It was given to me by a mom who is a few years ahead of me in this process and I am very grateful to have words written that speak directly to this unique and perplex season I am in.

Tonights words spoke of the beautiful moment when you finally get to hold the child you have longed for, prayed for and sacrificed for. Both of your eyes fill with tears but for entirely different reasons. This picture of Isaac and I shows the moment well. I am so overwhelmed with the flood of love and emotions that have been contained for far too long and Isaac is cold and afraid. He doesn’t trust me…yet.

 If I think about the times that God has patiently waited, overflowing with love just waiting for me to trust him and yet I hit the snooze button and make him wait…again. Oh the unbearable season of waiting!  When I think about all that he sacrificed and the depth of love that would bring him to do that, it humbles me. God thinks I am worth it, even when I stand there numb and afraid of the next step. Even when I am so confused by my circumstances I barely remember He is there just waiting to love me. Yet, He waits some more and sacrifices some more because he knows that one day I’ll trust him. I will take his hand and follow him into the next unknown because I have learned that as long as He is guiding me, I will make it through.

Isaac and I recently had that moment. We took him to the beach for the first time. He was utterly confused by what we were describing to him. He could not understand why he was in his swimsuit but we were NOT going to a pool. He never considered there might be somewhere else to swim? How could he know? He was perplexed as he stepped on the sand and the ground underneath him moved. What was this squishy ground that looked like snow (which is what he called it at first) but wasn’t cold? Then Isaac saw the ocean itself and he no longer cared if the ground gave way underneath his weight or not, he just had to get to the water…(then he was momentarily distracted by the cars on the beach, don’t we all have things that appear to distract us right after we’ve had a break through?!)

 Once he finally arrived, Isaac had a love/hate relationship with the water. If he was holding my hand he was thrilled and never wanted to leave the endless splashing. “No bye, bye Mommy, No bye bye!” However, in the moments where he let go or attempted to enter the water alone he would fall and the waves would get deeper than he expected. What once felt safe suddenly was terrifying and he screamed as if the world was ending! That is until he looked up and took my hand. Instantly he would smile and pull me to go just a little father. He could do anything as long as he was holding my hand. He trusted me to get him through this next unknown and I was more than happy to never let go.

 

God is Not Like Mommy

As we manage to get out of the house more and more I have been so humbled by the number of people that ask me about this blog.  So many of you have read it faithfully and already feel like you know our sweet boy in a personal way. I could not be more thankful for all of your prayers and kind words. Many of you have encouraged me to keep writing, so here goes…

The days are so real now and they come one right after another like endless waves on the ocean shore. The waiting was hard, oh so very hard and God used it to break me, build me and strengthen my resolve. He used it to clarify and solidify this irreversible decision for our family. However, I realize now that even the unbearable season of waiting was just a baby step in a huge process of growth for me. It’s similar to the college experience in a way.  It was such an intense time of growing up for me. While I was going through it I felt overwhelmed at times and seemed to barely survive the roommates and the finals, but after I entered the “real world”, post degree, I suddenly realized that I had more free time in college than I would ever have again in my lifetime.

Perhaps it’s not the best analogy but it makes sense to me. You see college is hard and there are moments that stretched me further than I’d ever been stretched before. In fact there were times in the semester when it was the hardest thing I’d ever had to face…yet.

My “yet” is now changing for me on a daily basis. Sometimes I’ve barely had time to process the last “yet” moment and I find myself face to face with something even harder. The NEW hardest thing I’ve ever had to face.

I wish that I could say that I have always gotten it right. I wish I could say that I have remained in perfect peace like it says in Isaiah 26:3. The truth is that I have failed a lot. All the training and seminars in the world cannot prepare you for what it is like to love a complete stranger as if they were never a stranger at all. It is a beautiful mess of miracles and meltdowns.

Oh my sweet, sweet children. Please know that everyday Mommy does her best to love you unconditionally. Please know that even when I fail, God will never fail you.

I am so thankful for the grace that comes new with every morning (or every meltdown – mine or theirs). I know that even on the days I yell or lose my patience quicker than I would like, I am forgiven. It doesn’t change the wrong I have done but it does give me the chance to go to my kids with a humble heart and ask for a chance to try again tomorrow.

I confess that there are days when I discipline out of anger or exhaustion. When I hear the words coming out of my mouth (or the tone with which I am saying them) and somehow wish I could stop myself from saying another word. I send them into time out because we all need space and my heart races as I think “How did I get to this place again?”  I call it “scary mommy.” Sometimes I wonder if labeling it was a bad idea but at least it will give the kids something to tell their therapist one day. I choose that title because I saw it one day in their faces. Mommy needed a time out (which I took) and I would calmly come back and ask for their forgiveness, but I had scared them. I yelled louder than necessary. The moments and days that followed were a strange mix of beautiful intimate moments and times when the kids walked on egg shells around me. It killed me inside to know that I had to earn their trust again.

Everyday I learn how to love them a little better. I know which child needs a gentle word and which needs firm boundaries. I remind myself that setbacks are to be expected and no to take rejection personally. I celebrate small victories like the fact that Isaac can finally say “bus” with an “s” sound instead of a “t” sound. It always made us laugh but it made for awkward public moments when Isaac would excitedly shout “Mommy cool butt” instead of “Mommy, look a school Bus.”

I am also learning how to love myself better. I am learning when to let the guilt and shame go and simply ask my kids for a fresh start. I am learning how to ask for help and when to take a break. I am learning that saying “no” to opportunities is a good thing for our family right now and that it is okay to hang back and let someone else meet the needs in our community for a while. My world has both increased immensely and shrunk down all at the same time. Mommy means a lot more than it did just 5 months ago.

As often as I can remember I try to see the events of my day through a new filter that helps me see the triggers and the fears behind the behaviors. I offer "redo's" instead of a constant stream of "time out."

I am once again being stretched father than I ever thought possible. I look back on the rollercoaster of waiting and I think at least there were moments to regroup before the next wave hit... but mostly I find myself thankful (exhausted but thankful). Thankful for family and friends for facebook and Fridays. I am thankful for every smile and fresh start.

Thank you to everyone that asks how we are doing and waits to hear the stories, good & bad. I'll do my best to keep this window into our life open. I'm learning a lot and maybe someone else will benefit from my mistakes and victories.