Chapter 3

I barely even know how to begin this blog post. The past 24 hours have been a whirlwind of emails, paperwork and phone calls. However, I have never been more happy to be overwhelmed. All this business has brought us our Issac, literally.

You may recall from my last post that I have been leaning heavily on the story of Abraham and his unwavering hope in the Lord's promise. God eventually sent Abraham a son and they named him Issac, which means "laughter." Apparently, God still has a since of humor because after the phone rang on Wednesday morning I too was looking a story that included a beautiful little boy named Issac. 

We are still waiting to hear from doctors and lawyers but we may have a travel timeline soon. As I poured over Issac's file I was overwhelmed by how much of his story is filled with the word "unknown." It was hand written over and over again on forms with questions that he will have to live his whole live without knowing the answers to. So far the world has labeled our son "unknown" but I believe that God wants to tell him that he is "known" and loved and I can't wait to be the one to teach him everyday just how much God loves him..

This has been hard because it the first time we have had to make a move that leads us away from Simon. The door has been slammed in our face many times, but we have always remained steadfast waiting on God before we move. It appears now that we have a new opportunity before us and it is hard to say goodbye. 

Our door will always be open to Simon should he ever need us. We are actually looking into ways that we can support Simon, wherever God leads him. For now though, we cannot ignore the little boy before us.

We officially signed the papers committing to Issac last night and we are now in a rush to update our home study (doctors visits, financial statements, interviews and inspections) as well as our immigration paperwork. We need to have all of this finalized in the next 4 weeks. It typically takes at least 6 weeks for the immigration papers alone. So please pray for a smooth and speedy process without any paperwork errors :)

Also, please note. WE ARE NOT TELLING CARA. While we trust God completely, we have learned from our past experiences and we feel that it is best that we keep this a secret until we know for a fact the court has accepted our case and assigned us a trial date. 

We cannot post his photos online but if you see us in person we'd be happy to show off his beautiful smile. 

In the Middle of Our Story

First let me start out by saying thank you for your prayers. It is evident that many of you are lifting us up and thinking of us. I have even had women at church approach me saying "I haven't had a chance to read your blog but I have been praying for you guys a lot lately. Is there anything going on?" So it is clear to me that God is tugging on all of your hearts too and making sure that we are cared for during this time. So thank you for responding in prayer when we pop into your mind.

We had a wonderful Easter with our families. It didn't feel quite as hollow as I was afraid it might. I will say that we have experienced everything from unexplained intense physical pain, to family sickness, to Cara suddenly developing intense separation anxiety (so unlike her), to the loss of one of Bill's students, to you name it. Even my cell phone stopped working. Big things and little things, when magnified by our grief over Simon, it kind of feels like being kicked when you are down. Every time I have started the day fresh it feels like we have been presented with a new reason to give up on life. 

This morning I opened my bible up to Romans. In chapter 5 it says "we also glory in our sufferings, because we know that suffering produces perseverance, perseverance, character; and character, hope. And hope does not put us to shame, because God's love has been poured out into our hearts through the Holy Spirit, who has been given to us."

Right before that in Romans it reflects on the story of Abraham. I'm not trying to alter scripture, but allow me to share with you how Abraham's story spoke to me today.

Adapted from Romans 4:11-22

"Against all hope, Abraham in hope believed and so became the father of many nations, just as it has been said to him 'so shall your offspring be.' Without weakening in his faith, he faced the fact that his <circumstances> were as good as dead...yet he did not waver through unbelief regarding the promise of God, but was strengthened in his faith and gave glory to God being fully persuaded that God had the power to do what he had promised. That is why it was credited to him as righteousness."

Now for Abraham his circumstances were that he and Sarah were WAY too old to be having kids. Their circumstances did not seem to line up with the promise God gave them. I feel this way too. Our circumstances don't feel like the are lining up with God's call to build our family through adoption.

The day we heard the news about Simon being taken out of the adoption program (and therefore no longer a possibility for being our son) I cried to Bill on the phone "why would God give us a 5 bedroom house if he never intended to fill it?" The story of acquiring our house is another one for the record books. We call it 'the promised land' because just like when Joshua and Caleb were sent to scope out the real promised land, there seemed like there were a million reasons to turn and run away (giants for Joshua, giant holes in the walls for us, ceilings caving in, etc.) but God reminded them that the land was already theirs, they just needed to claim it. All those obstacles were things God would equip them to overcome easily they just had to trust Him. It was the same with our house. People tell us all the time how comfortable they feel in our home. We never should have been able to afford it and we did not have the skills to fix it, but little by little God has turned this building into a home. Why would he leave it empty now?

Our finances are another thing. We knew going into this adoption that God would have to move a financial mountain in order for us to bring it to completion. People in our lives often ask us "but isn't adoption really expensive?" what they are really saying is "how on earth do you expect to pull this off?" or "why on earth would you give up everything for this one kid (especially when we are physically able to have our own kids?)" They aren't being rude. They are just looking to things on earth that don't add up, but we have our eyes fixed above earth...on Jesus. And you know what?! HE DID IT! We have raised enough money to move forward with this adoption. You know, many of you gave. There are still huge costs ahead but we will be able to move forward without jeopardizing our families financial security.

So we have the home, we have the money, we have the heart, we have the family support, we have the training, the security clearances, physicals passed with flying colors, paperwork in order, we are #1 on the waiting list and there is an orphanage overflowing with kids that need to come home. It all adds up! Yet we are still waiting. 

Just like Abraham and Sarah our circumstances don't add up to our reality. Even after God moved their circumstantial mountains and gave them Issac he then asked Abraham to sacrifice Issac to him...what the what?!? We don't always stop and think about how crazy that seems because the rest of the story is right there on the page. We can keep reading and see how it all played out and see how God used the faith of that one family to impact generations to come. 

We are in the middle of our story. Right now it stops at "What the what?!?" It doesn't make sense to continue on this path. People close to us have offered us all kinds of alternatives to building our family. It's tempting to change courses all together to grow our family faster. To end this difficult time of waiting. There are "easier" programs, "quicker" programs. "Just get pregnant!"

God placed adoption on our hearts very early on. I recently had the opportunity to preach at church and one of the things I shared is that God has put something unique on each of our hearts that every time we are exposed to that unique thing we think "that is such a shame. That just shouldn't be." We have that reaction because God wants to use us to make a difference in that unique thing. It's different for everyone, it has to be, no one person can fix all the wrongs in this world but if we each play our part, it is possible to restore what has been lost to the ugliness of this world. For us, kids growing up in orphanages without families or worse; dying at the bottom of toilets or trash heaps is that unique thing. I'm sure if asked, everyone would agree that it's a horrible situation, but it probably doesn't keep them up at night. It probably isn't the thing they think about every time their kids get together for a playdate with other families. When someone is told all the ugly realities about how hard it will be to raise a child that has experienced trauma after trauma, they probably don't get so excited about the opportunity to love that child that they can barely sit still in their chair. I do. Often. There is rarely a moment when I am not thinking about finding a way to make their world a little less empty. 

I don't expect it to make sense to everyone. There are days when the hurt outweighs the reasons and it barely makes sense to me. 

I liked the TNIV bible translation of Romans 5 because it says "hope does not put us to shame." I have to admit that I felt shame these past few weeks. "People must think we are so stupid for pursuing this as long as we have...they probably read this blog and feel bad for us like we have thrown our lives away..." I was embarrassed because people gave money toward the adoption and we still have "nothing" to show for it. I was disappointed because I want this to be a story that draws people to faith in God and I feel like instead they are laughing at us. Shame. Even as I battle these thoughts and feelings I know they are not from God. Guilt and shame never are. It is still hard though, not to feel that way. But today God reminded me in a clear way that hope is a good thing. Having hope is nothing to be ashamed of because my hope is in Him and He is the author and perfecter of our faith. We are just in the middle of the story. 

In the Wake of a Storm

After hurricane Sandy I remember opening my front door and thinking "not much has changed." We saw a tree down across the street and there had clearly been a storm but it was nothing compared to the raging wind and rain from just a few hours ago. At one point during the storm we had attempted to walk down to the riverfront to watch the waters rage but we were quickly chased back into our home as the wind made waste of our umbrellas and the conditions seemed to get worse by the moment.

The next day we left our house feeling stir crazy after watching what seemed like the same exact news casting for 2 days straight. As we left our house we began to see more of what the storm had left behind. Just a few streets away Cara's favorite playground was under water and major roads were flooded. Still, Burlington fared well. The biggest news being a car fire caused by downed wires just around the corner from our house.

It wasn't until a month later when Bill and I took a drive along the coastline that I saw first hand how drastically things were changed. We saw trees uprooted and tossed aside. Trees that had probably been standing there for hundreds of years. We saw entire buildings along the coast sitting at a 45 degree angle. We saw other places where buildings had once stood and not a thing remained. We watched as people dragged furniture to the curbside, essentially emptying their homes. There was a parking lot full of damaged refrigerators, another full of furniture, and another other piles of broken debris.

Sometimes the storms in our life rock us to the core. Deep rooted things are ripped out leaving scars of there they once stood. It is storms like this were you don't even realize the extent of the damage at first. It can be months later and there are still things to drag to the curb.

We are living in the wake of the storm right now. The loss of Simon digs deep. Please be patient with us as we grieve. Thank you to everyone who has reached out. We too, wish we had answers to all of your questions. We too, wish we knew what was next for our family.

I am confident that God is with us and that we are not alone in this. I've said that many times. As always, God has given me a song to lean on, however when David Crowder wrote it I think he got it wrong. His version of the song focuses on the way we cling to God, but for me in this moment I know it's the other way around. As I am tossed by this storm I know that HE is holding onto ME just like when Simon Peter stepped out of the boat, in his moments of doubt Jesus grabbed him and kept him from sinking. He is holding us and I am so thankful.

Here is my version of the song:

There’s no space that His love can’t reach
There’s no place that we can’t find peace
There’s no end to Amazing Grace
Take me in with your arms spread wide
Take me in like an orphan child
Never let go, never leave my side.

YOU ARE,
Holding on to ME.
YOU ARE,
Holding on to ME.
In the middle of the storm,
YOU are holding on,
YOU ARE!

Love like this, Oh my God to find!
I am overwhelmed what a joy divine!
Love like this sets our hearts on fire!

This is my Resurrection Song
This is my Hallelujah Come
This is why to You I run
This is my Resurrection Song

There’s no space that His love can’t reach
There’s no place that we can’t find peace
There’s no end to Amazing Grace

YOU ARE,
Holding on to ME.
YOU ARE,
Holding on to ME.
In the middle of the storm,
YOU are holding on,
YOU ARE!

I Owe Caraline a New Rubik's Cube

I think these are one of the most frustrating things in the world. As I found myself on my knees in tears once again I looked over to see Cara's underneath her table. I glared at it at first. It felt like such a perfect metaphor for the frustration I was feeling. Eventually I picked it up and began spinning the squares around. It's frustrating because you know there is a solution...other people have been able to do it...some people even find it easy, but to you, it's impossible. There are even websites you can go to that will break down the formula for you so you can solve your cube. However they do not work on the 'Dora the Explorer' version.

I sat there spinning it around in my hand. I thought maybe if I could solve this cube I could somehow solve the chaos swirling inside me (or at least distract myself enough to calm down). It didn't take long for me to realize that I wasn't magically going to understand how to solve either.

So I smashed it.

Maybe if it is in pieces I can start over. Snap things back in place like they were supposed to be and then super glue it so that it can never get messy again.

Turns out. I can't do that either. So I am left with the mess and I have to face it. The rubik's cube is in the trash but my broken heart is unavoidable.

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The news came in the form of an email. It was brief and without explanation. "We have decided to pull Simon's case from the international adoption list. We will begin searching for someone to adopt him domestically"

We knew the lawyers had met to discuss Simon's case. We knew the answer could be anything. There was no question that God was able to bring Simon home to us. We just couldn't get clarity on if that was the plan. Turns out it wasn't the plan.

I didn't even want to be in my home. God why did you give us a 5 bedroom house if you were just going to leave it empty? Why take 3 years to prepare us for this only to close the door? Why can't I hear you?

So I sat in my car and listened to the rain. I texted a few key friends who I knew would pray without asking a million questions (even though I know they had a million questions). 

"God has once again closed the door for us on Simon.We could really use your prayers. I feel like I am stuck in a room and all the doors are locked. My life right now is incredible, there is not a single bad thing. God is actually using us to make a huge impact in a lot of ways. I just thought God was preparing us for more. It kind of feels like we were trained for the olympics only to find out they canceled our event without telling us. So here we are ready for anything and our answer is nothing. More of the same. I just need help walking with God in this new normal. Thanks"

The storm around me is raging too strong to step in any direction at the moment. All I could do is stand firm and wait out the day. As I sat, I felt God say "Sometimes extraordinary is just 'extra ordinary' with the space for me to move." 

So more of the same it is. And we will wait for God to move. Still as we stood up to go to bed last night I was overwhelmed with grief. I had waited out the day but tomorrow I had to begin again with no promise of any relief from this storm. I fell asleep crying. I woke up crying...but still standing because HE is my rock and my refuge. 

I don't know what the future holds but I know who holds the future. It's all I have but thankfully it's all I need. 

Honest

Everyone is meeting together in Uganda next week. I am not even sure what they plan to discuss or what options are on the table. At first I was frustrated with the timing...NEXT week! Why does everything have to be so slow?

Then I realized that I need this time for God to prepare my heart. I have been telling everyone that I am seeking God with unyielding intensity because I need to know if Simon is our son. I need to know if He is asking us to take this on.

Just now I realized that I am not being truly honest. I have been pushing myself to believe that God can do anything, that we could win this case even if everything in the file is against us because God can do anything! This is true, but it is only one way it could go. Please don't confuse this with doubt. I have seen God do incredible things and I know that he can do more than we can even ask or imagine. But I also know that sometimes John the baptist is beheaded, and Lazarus dies so that a greater miracle can be seen. Sometimes those we love are healed by leaving this world for heaven when we would much rather have had a miracle cure and more time together on earth. I can't put God in a box and assume that the only way our story can truly bring God glory is if Simon comes home.

My Mom has a good friend that always says "Don't ask the question if you aren't prepared for the answer." What she means by this is that there is more than one answer to most questions and sometimes we fall apart when we don't get the answer we want. We have to be prepared for ALL possible answers before we ask the question. I realized today that while I have been claiming to be listening for God to speak, I have only been willing to hear one answer... There is more than one answer to this question.

So today as I ask it again, "is Simon forever our son? Are we his forever home?" I am also asking God to help me be brave. I asked him to help me hear his voice even if it isn't what I want to hear. I am asking him to be clear. I have realized that if I truly want to have confidence that God's answer is 'yes' I have to be willing to hear him say 'no' or 'wait' or 'stay' or 'go' or "..."      Otherwise I will always wonder if this is just something I talked myself into or something I forced because of my own selfishness in wanting it to be Simon.

I know we were called to this adoption process.
I know we were called to Uganda.
I need to know if we are called to continue at all cost.

Even as I write that I feel peace filling my heart. Whatever the answer.



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I wonder sometimes about those of you that follow this blog that don't believe in God. I must seem batty to you. I guess it is something you will never fully understand until you are willing to trust God with your whole heart. In high school I vowed to pursue God until it stopped making sense. Even now in the midst of all this up and down it still makes more sense to me than anything else in my life.

Down But Not Out

After falling apart at the news of a new relative interested in Simon we received yet another email. The aunt might not be an ideal candidate to raise Simon. They have given Simon's case file to the lawyers and it is up to them to decide if we have a case.

This roller coaster of the unknown is why we originally kept quiet about the possibility of things working out with Simon.

What we know now is this: IF we have a case it is a weak one. We can't walk into that court room feeling like it is just a formality. It will be a trail for us to endure.

So we are down once again to faith. If God means for Simon to be our son we have nothing to worry.
David defeated Goliath even though Goliath was a fierce giant.
The Israelite entered the promised land even though it was occupied by their enemy.
The walls of Jericho came crashing down with just the shouts of God's people.
Gideon was the weakest of the weak and he still lead his small army to victory.

Time and time again God uses the little guy so that it can be clear that it is God winning the battle and not us. We knew going into this that God would have to make a way. He has taken us this far. What we are asking for now is continued clarity. If Simon is meant to be our son we know nothing can get in our way. However, we are aware that God might be using us to a different end. Perhaps our story will help fuel the fight to help fix a broken system. Perhaps we will be the catalyst needed to have Simon's biological family step forward to raise him. We won't know until we are there. So please, continue to pray for us and lift us all up as week seek God's direction.

Thank you.

Stuck

This one is a hard one. The only way I could get through it was to pray as I wrote. My prayers are in grey. Welcome to the battle inside my mind to hang onto God's promises and truth a midst a sea of pain and lies.

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I hate when my gut is right.

On Friday, we received an email from Lisa saying that she had pursued Ken, Cathy and Alice all week but heard nothing back from them about Simon and his case. They had sent reports on all the other children but said nothing about Simon. Her assumption was that the three of them needed to meet together before any of them could respond.

I knew this was bad news. If it was going according to plan they wouldn't need to conference first. I tried to stay optimistic over the weekend. It could be anything. It could be that they are just busy with the family that is in country this month and unable to accomplish much else. It could even be that they already filed our paperwork and figured that since things were headed in a good direction they'd update us whenever they could.

[There is a reason God says not to worry about tomorrow. Matthew 6:34 "Therefore do not worry about tomorrow, for tomorrow will worry about itself. Each day has enough trouble of its own." I had a great weekend with Cara celebrating a friends upcoming wedding and Uncle Bill turning 70. We could have missed out on a lot of good memories this weekend if I had let my thoughts consume me.]

 I opened my email this morning and did what I always do...scan for the word Uganda and hope for the best.  The email was crushing. "An Aunt has expressed interest." 5 words changed my Monday from a sing song melody to a broken hallelujah.

Once again we are being asked to put our dreams on hold. God's plan isn't on hold but my dreams of holding my son are fading. We said from the beginning that we would do whatever it takes for Simon to have the best life possible. When the phone rang back in January we scheduled the conference call knowing that we would say "yes" to whatever they asked be it money, time or travel.

Ultimately, we want what is best for Simon but it kills me to have to admit again that the answer might not be us.

In this moment I am angry with his family. Really Angry. "If you want him just come get him! He has been right there in front of you this entire time!!" I honestly don't understand, but it probably seems just as crazy to them that there is an American family who wants to pay thousands of dollars to bring Simon home with us. [God give me the strength to forgive them.]

I am thankful that Tenderheart is a wonderful place to grow up and that Simon is receiving the best possible care, but no one should have to grow up without parents. The system is frustrating. It feels broken and misguided. [God, help me to trust you to do what is best for these orphans. Please work through our story to help fix a broken system. Help me to find peace in the fact that YOU are there with Simon and the others, for the good days and bad. We do not walk this journey alone. Help me with my frustration and please bless the staff at Tenderheart]

I feel broken. I don't understand why my heart is full of an unending desire to help raise these orphans if the door to that opportunity will only keep slamming in my face. [God help me to know your direction and your timing.]

I feel stuck. I don't want Cara to continue to grow up without siblings. We have considered all of our options and not one of them feels right for our family. The only thing that ever made sense was Simon.

In the wake of this news it is hard not to feel like my world is crashing down. My heart is broken and my reflex is to make it stop. I know deep down there is a reason for this pain but it's hard to see in this moment. Once again God gently whispers "this was never about you." Sacrifice is something He understands. I know he is holding me as I cry. We are not on this journey alone but it is so much harder than I ever thought possible. [God, let there be less of me and more of YOU]

How many mothers out there have had to loose their son...twice? [God, thank you for willingly giving up your son to die for all of us who don't deserve such a gift. Thank you for knowing how I feel and carrying me through when I cannot take another step.]