First Moments HOme

The original plan was to have the grandparents bring over dinner for our first night home. However, thankfully they made the call to leave dinner at the house for us and let us get settled on our own. We came home to "Welcome Home" and "Welcome Back" balloons on the house, hot soup on the stove, and banners made by friends hung up all over the house. 

From Cara's School

From Cara's best friend Frankie across the street. 

We gave Isaac a tour of our home and pointed out the familiar places from the photo books we had brought with us. Isaac was thrilled to recognize his own room and one of his favorite toys on the shelf (Choo Choo Baby). We then settled downstairs and enjoyed our first meal together as a family. Everything felt incredibly normal and like a dream all at the same time.

By about 6:30pm Mommy and Isaac were already beginning to fade. Isaac was unable to process all of his excitement and he bounced everywhere he went. Somehow Bill managed to contain him and begin his nightly routine of bath, lotion, bedtime book, huggie babbies (saying goodnight to each stuffed animal), and prayers. I think I was awake for this part, but it was getting harder and harder to tell LOL. Shortly after I remember falling in love with my bed and not much else for several hours.

Isaac and I both slept until about 4am and Bill lovingly put us both back to bed again until 7am. I'm not sure how he did it, but he's amazing. By the time it was morning Mommy was starting to feel like herself again and we began the process of getting Cara ready for school. We managed to remember everything and get out the door on time to drop Cara off at school. We weren't sure how Isaac would react to her leaving after not having seen her for a week, but he rolled with the it and was happy to come back home and explore the house.

It took Isaac less than an hour to decide it would be fun to put things in the washing machine that don't belong. Thankfully, Mommy noticed and we learned that washing machines aren't for kids. Later that night when i did a load of laundry Isaac "oooed" and "ahhhed" as he watched the clothes spin round and round.

"Mommy Plee-A (play)"

Picking up Cara from school. Is that my backseat with two kids in it?

Later that night we enjoyed visits from Nana and Poppy & Grandam and YoPop

Sorry Nana for not getting a photo with you.

Isaac loved meeting his family and settled right in to stealing their phones to play games. It was a truly memorable night and we can't wait for many more as we begin introducing him to all of you. Seeing him with the people we love really makes it feel like we are home. God is sooo good. 

Challenges I Never Dreamed Of

I like to consider myself an experienced traveler. I took Italian in high school because I knew they took a trip to Italy every few years and you had to take Italian to be eligible to go. I remember asking my parents and there answer was "If you pay for it yourself, you can go." This method had worked previously on my brother, but I don't think my parents quite understood my will and determination. A few months later they were waving goodbye at the airport while I took my first overseas trip without them.

This pattern continued with living in California for 10 weeks after my first year of college, my first and second trips to Africa, missions trips to Mexico and the Dominican Republic. I know what it's like to lead large groups of students through countries that don't speak my language or use my currency.

Yet, even with all that to prepare me, this past week was one of the hardest of my life. Even though we had already spent 8 weeks with Isaac I found myself feeling like a first time mom in an unfamiliar circumstance. In addition to parenting through Isaac's grief I faced power outages, bugs in places you never want bugs, illness and sleepless nights. All of this was magnified by the time difference. My entire support system felt very far away. I am forever thankful for friends and family that patiently texted with me for hours in the middle of their work days to keep me company until I could fall asleep (or until the wifi ran out).

Wednesday was a long day as we prepared to head to the airport. We picked up the Visa without complication at 4pm. I was surprised to see that these life changing documents were simply placed a manila envelope with some scotch tape and a stamp. The value that had been impressed on me about this envelope made it feel like they should be placed in an iron case with lock and key and perhaps lasers or something. "Do NOT let anyone open this packet until you get to customs in the USA." Every person I met reminded me how important this packet was.

Once we were packed and had our Visa paperwork stashed away, Isaac and I had a delicious dinner with the families at Herb and Ellen's guest house and then began our long journey home.

Waving goodbye to friends at the guest house.

Our first obstacle to the airport was traffic...and we were running out of gas. Thankfully, by the time we actually got close to running out of gas we were on a down hill slope and we coasted our way into the gas station.

Once we got to the airport our driver helped us load our bags onto a cart and push them up the steep hill to the entrance for departing flights. After a quick hug I was once again on my own as we entered the airport. Isaac decided to grace this moment by literally pooping his pants as we waited in line for security. The only bathroom was on the other side of immigration  and there were several check points between it and me, so I did the only thing I could do; I laid him down on the floor and changed him right there in line. Thankfully, I had his warm clothes packed in his little red backpack and I had thought to bring wipes. When all was said and done I tossed his soiled pants in a trash can and just kept going. What else could I do?

After passing through security we waited in line at immigration. This did not go well. I had asked at Embassy what paperwork would be requested at Entebbe. They said they ask for different paperwork all the time. "Just make sure you have photocopies of all your paperwork". Thanks to Bill I was set.

 However, what they actually asked for was photographs of Isaac. Specifically passport size photos. We had given all of our remaining photos to the Embassy when we applied for his Visa. The woman (not so politely) suggested I did through my files and look to see if I had missed anything. I stepped aside and began to search all 26 folders but I knew what I would find, there were no passport photos in this file. After about an hour of angry looks from the immigration agents and several calls and messages to supervisors I wasn't sure what would happen. "We can't let her through without photos..."

Eventually, they agreed to take photos of Isaac with their little eyeball camera attached to their computer. I chose not to point out that I had suggested this solution over an hour ago and simply rejoiced at the fact that for the first time in over an hour it looked like they might let me through.

Now that we were finally through all the entry check points I still had two hours with Isaac in the airport before we boarded our flight. We passed the time with a snack. It was in the restaurant that I overheard the news..."something, something, plane crash today, yada, yada, happening more and more frequently, back to you Jim" Frank Ferrara, I immediately thought of you! Am I seriously sitting in an airport listening to news of a plane crash?! I choose to pretend this moment didn't happen and we found a cozy spot near a large TV highlighting the many animals found in Uganda to pass the remainder of our time.

Dancing at 10pm and shouting "pa pane! (airplane)"

 Isaac did not like it when the stewardess told him he had to sit in his own seat for take off. Thankfully, Mommy had put sweeties in her backpack for just such a thing. I forgot to mention that security had forced me to check my carry-on luggage (the only luggage I was bringing home) because I was traveling alone with a small child. In the moment I choose not to fight the battle, I just wanted to get on the plane and go home. It was later that I realized I no longer had my medications for my cold, the benadryl to help Isaac sleep or my warm clothes for going home. 

Isaac slept through the entire first flight (even without benadryl!) He was slightly unsettled for take off and landing but otherwise the first flight went well. Mommy was too sick to sleep but we both survived. 

Where is Isaac? Who needs toys?

The flight attendant gave us a memory game that came in handy during our 4 hour layover. The first two hours were spent waiting for a bus (Isaac pronounces it buTT) to take us to our terminal.

Thankfully the second two hours were spent at the play area in our departure terminal. We also enjoyed people movers and watching the zamboni clean the tile floors.

SECOND FLIGHT

It was snowing in Brussles, yes I'm still in just a tank top. Isaac just pointed and stared. He didn't react to the cold at all. Mommy on the other hand couldn't wait to get inside.

The snow started accumulating on our window and Isaac really got interested. We sat on the plane for almost 2 hours waiting to get deiced before we could take off. Isaac took this opportunity to touch absolutely everything on the plane and shout "Mommy" over and over every time he saw something new. 

Don't let the smile fool you. Soon after this photo was taken Isaac ripped the headphones out of his ears and began whipping me with them. Apparently this is much more fun. LOL. We spent the rest of our flight without sound. 

 Isaac's favorite thing to do on the flight was announce to everyone one board what the flight attendants were doing. "Mommy, eat!" for when they were passing out food, "Mommy, Wa-ta" for when they were serving beverages, etc. He also liked to point out loudly when anyone on the plane fell asleep, or ate, or got up to go to the bathroom, etc. Thank goodness he is so cute! He finally crashed again after lunch and stayed like this for three hours.

So close we can taste it! The last two hours of the flight were spent looking out the window and watching the movie "Dolphin Tale 2" without sound. By this point everyone on the plane was awake so I just let Isaac happily narrate for everyone on the plane. I think some of them even enjoyed it by now. LOL

Isaac won over the team at customs in the USA. He was fascinated with the guys lime green gloves and the customs agent was nice enough to share a pair with Isaac. His first welcome home gift! After waiting a half hour for the bags we never intended to check, mommy pulled out her long sleeve shirt and then we rushed to find Cara and Daddy. Someone from the airport had already come to find us to let us know Bill was waiting for us.

It was a beautiful moment when we saw each other from across the room. Unfortunately, it was hard to photograph because we had to wiggle through a large crowd of people to find one another. Bill and I kept peaking up over all the heads to smile at one another as we got closer and closer. When the maze finally ended there was just one very tall, very large gentlemen between us. This kind man took one look at our faces and quickly stepped aside to let the hugs begin. Isaac screamed "Daddy!" and my heart finally rested. We were home.

              

An Honest Prayer

Today was so full of such a variety of emotions it is hard to know where to begin.

I barely slept last night, I was so worried that I might oversleep and be late for (being early to) the embassy. I set two alarms and still woke every hour or so to check the clock. When it was finally time to get ready I was delightfully anxious with anticipation of the day.

The circumstances of the morning didn't go quite as expected and for a moment I thought I was going to have to walk to the embassy. I had to make a difficult decision and I could not have been more thankful for one of the other moms here, Christine. She had just finished her morning run and gotten out of the shower, but when she heard I might have to walk and didn't know the way she dropped everything to help me. In the end I was able to continue on without her, but I will never forget the way she was ready to rescue me. Her personal story of adoption is very hard, it is hers to share, but I'll say that I don't know many of us who could walk in her shoes with such grace. I have witnessed few people who can roll with uncertain circumstances the way that she has and in the midst of all this, she was willing to drop everything and help me; someone who honestly, has had it easy. I am so humbled by her goodness.

In the end I arrived at the embassy a half hour before my appointment. I lost my iPhone between the car and the second security station but I didn't care. I can survive a few more days without a phone  but I could not miss this interview.(sorry Hawk Family that lent me the phone, I promise I would have replaced it somehow) Thankfully, I had a memory card for my camera in my backpack that I didn't realize I had. This meant I had to go back out and start the security check over again...which also meant I ran into the nicest woman ever who reunited me with my phone.

So so far we have experienced sleeplessness, peace, stress, anxiousness, gratefulness, a humbled heart, more stress, relief, and more gratefulness...

The document check was hard to read. They asked me a few questions I didn't know the answers to. They were concerned about our PO report and our fingerprint clearances. They were incredibly kind and patient with me as I rifled through 26 folders of files but I wasn't convinced I was giving them everything they wanted. In the end they asked me to wait and said an officer would need to review the documents. "IF" I was cleared to leave I would need to pay the cashier before exiting the building.

I sat back down in the waiting room and began to pray. At first my prayers were for everything to be fine. I asked God for the computer system to be able to download our fingerprint results (since they gave me back our hard copy and insisted on checking the computer again). As I prayed I continued to list off exactly what I would like Him to do for me, and then I stopped...this can't be my prayer. God is not a genie. I changed my heart and began to ask God for the strength to be grateful regardless of the outcome. I asked him to help me once again lean not on my own understanding but to acknowledge him in everything and trust him, if needed, to make a crooked path straight. I still felt unsure of the outcome, but I was calm and confident that whatever lay on the other side of that door would be for the best.

While I waited I got to visit with another mother doing exactly what I was doing. Her family had been together all through December and had to face the difficult circumstance of sending the husband home this past week as well. We found strength in each others stories and comfort in having one another to wait with.

In the end they finally called my name and asked me to visit the cashier. This meant I passed. "Please come back at 2pm for your interview." she said. "Yes Mam! Anything you say!" I thought. Isaac and I grabbed a quick lunch back at the guest house and then hopped back in the car for the interview. I wondered if there was a way I could still screw this up or cause a delay. Thankfully, Mr. Hayes is a wonderful man. We have met him now on three occasions and I have a great respect for him. He is someone who knows exactly what it means to do his job and who he is working for. He will do absolutely anything within his power to make this process smooth for adopting families but ultimately he honors the law and he is able to make the hard call if needed. I knew that I could trust him.

My interview was quick. Our lawyers and social workers did a great job preparing Isaac's file and there are no gaps to his story. I swore an oath and I was asked to recount Isaac's story as I understood it. I was also asked to recount our story of how we ended up adopting in Uganda and being matched with Isaac. After 10 min Mr. Hayes said Isaac's case was very clear cut and he was happy to approve his file. I then left with a very squirmy boy who was beyond ready for his nap.

The rest of the day felt a bit like watching myself in a movie. I felt the adrenaline begin to fade and I slowly began to watch and observe all that I had to be thankful for. We have had so much fun with the families at this guest house. We now have a very full house and it is wonderful to watch each of the children in different phases of the attachment process. Seeing families awaiting their court date reminds me of just how far we have come over these 9 weeks. It was incredible to skype with Cara before school and be able to say "I'll see you on Thursday."

As I write this I feel like today could have been 10 days rolled into one. I feel like I've grown somehow as we begin to finish this chapter and start the next one. There is a sense of closure and completion that is beautiful. Yet I am careful not to put too much hope in the promise of a Visa on Wednesday. I have to remember that God is still good even if computers fail and flights are rescheduled. It is a future I hope not to walk through, but I can't put my hope in anything I can loose. Circumstances may change, but God is the same yesterday, today and forever. I know I always come back to that, but He is my rock and my fortress. This road would have swallowed me whole long ago if I fixed my eyes on anything but Him.

When Joy Outweighs Your Sorrow

Last night I received incredible news from a dear friend. Although our journeys are different, she and I have stood by one another during seasons of heartbreak and disappointment. Waiting is never easy no matter what you are waiting on. It is especially hard when you feel like what you are waiting for is a God given desire. This friend understood that more than anyone else. There were many times when I picked up my phone to reach out to her because she was someone safe for me. I could text her and honestly say whatever irrational and ridiculous thought was overwhelming my heart at the moment and she wouldn't correct me or try to fix me. She would just empathize with my pain and understand that I already knew the things that would carry me through, I just needed to cry for a bit.

As I fell asleep I was overjoyed knowing that God was beginning to answer her prayer. I tried to think back to all the times we had comforted one another. The hours of prayers and conversations. I tried to think back and remember the days when I could barely get off the couch because of my sorrow...and you know what? I couldn't. I know these days occurred because I lived them, but I can no longer dwell in the pain of the past. Somehow, without me even realizing it, God has begun to heal the wounds of waiting. Each day as I watch Isaac laugh and kiss his sweet face I feel the strain of all it took to get here less and less.

Walking in obedience to Gods call is rarely easy, in fact it is often hard, but it is ALWAYS worth it. I only hope I can remember that truth as we continue forward.

When He Takes It Out On Me

Isaac is grieving the loss of Cara and Bill. What this means for me is that he is throwing fits and disobeying in every way he knows how. He has tried everything from hunger strikes to forcing himself to throw up at the table. Issues we tackled weeks ago like "don't stick your finger in the power strip" are resurfacing as deliberate attempts to frustrate me. He is refusing to sleep and enjoys keeping me awake.

I have spent moments angry and moments broken. I have spent even more moments praying for patience and practicing controlled breathing to avoid reacting out of anger.

Today our disobedience led us to an afternoon alone in the room. As we played with toys and Isaac continued to act out in any way he knew how I somehow heard the Lord speak to my heart. He said to me:

"When you are hurt you often take it out on the ones you love most. How often do you turn to Me in anger when things disappoint you? When you kick and scream and mope I lovingly wait for you to be done and then cradle you in my arms to begin the healing process."

The only time Isaac and I weren't fighting today was when we were playing the huggie game: Isaac runs to me for a hug only to say "all done" seconds later and I hug him longer anyway and cover his face with kisses. I realized that while my reaction was to punish Isaac for his misbehavior by taking away the toys that he threw at my head or asking him to sit quietly in the chair for hitting me. These actions would be right if he were acting in defiance but God reminded me that I am caring for a broken heart. That grace extends beyond thrown toys. I imagined how many times God listens to someone curse his name one moment and then lovingly welcomes them back into his arms the next (think of the prodigal son).

I had been reacting all wrong. I was distancing myself from Isaac because I didn't want to react out of anger. I was protecting myself. I was focused on the behaviors and I missed the cry for help.

I knelt down and engaged my son. He crawled in my lap and we played like that for the next hour. We snuggled and I whispered in his ear that I loved him. We watched videos from everyone at the babies home [we had them each record a message for Isaac as a goodbye or advice for the future]. He heard again and again that he was valued and loved and would not forgotten. I took my time washing him and rubbing lotion on his sweet skin. I lovingly got him ready for bed and then snuggled with him again in the chair until he asked for his crib to sleep.

I am sure that tomorrow will also be a nightmare. How many times have we all accepted Gods forgiveness only to turn around and scorn him again? My hope is that God will give me the patience and strength to be able to extend the forgiveness Isaac needs as he grieves. I am asking for the wisdom to balance discipline with love, to look beyond the behavior and see the pain and confusion in his eyes. I am also asking God to speak to his heart and help him trust that Bill is not gone, but he has gone ahead to prepare for us, we will see him again soon enough...if only there was a good example of that in the bible somewhere? lol

A Good Friend Goes A Long Way

One of the benefits of the guest house where we are staying is that many adoptive families frequent here. One in particular has taken me under their wing. Gina is here with her mother-in-law, Lori, (Gina's husband had to return to work as well) and they are adopting two boys. Today they invited us out to a local mall to go to lunch and visit a very nice play place. It was just the thing I needed to distract me while I waited to hear that the flight had landed. Isaac loved throwing balls and climbing all around.

Gina and I got to talk while the boys played and once again I was reminded that I am not alone. While we were at the play place I got an email that we will be at Embassy on Monday (typically visa 48 hours after). Six days left and counting!

The Call to Worship

There is a mosque near our guest house. It plays the call to worship and pray six times a day. One of the things I love about the Muslim faith is their commitment and discipline. It is hard to stop everything and focus on God that many times a day. I might not be praying to the same God but I appreciate the frequent reminders to take my thoughts captive and depend on Jesus.

Sleeping last night was hard without Bill and Cara. I have had several panic attacks at night while I have been here. It seems that the times that God is most at work are the times when I am irrationally unable to sleep. I was very concerned that I might not be able to sleep and I would have no one to help calm me down this time. However, sometimes when we are most broken we are then able to surrender our own efforts and depend on God the way we should. I spoke scripture out loud and took my thoughts captive. There was no need to cross over to the side of panic. One last text from a good friend read "You are not alone." It was what I needed to hear most. Bill might not be here to be hug me but I am not alone. (His hugs are so healing I often think God gave him arms just to hug me :) These are the things you "know" but take for granted. Thank you to everyone that prayed for me. I slept soundly knowing I was not alone.