Isaac is grieving the loss of Cara and Bill. What this means for me is that he is throwing fits and disobeying in every way he knows how. He has tried everything from hunger strikes to forcing himself to throw up at the table. Issues we tackled weeks ago like "don't stick your finger in the power strip" are resurfacing as deliberate attempts to frustrate me. He is refusing to sleep and enjoys keeping me awake.
I have spent moments angry and moments broken. I have spent even more moments praying for patience and practicing controlled breathing to avoid reacting out of anger.
Today our disobedience led us to an afternoon alone in the room. As we played with toys and Isaac continued to act out in any way he knew how I somehow heard the Lord speak to my heart. He said to me:
"When you are hurt you often take it out on the ones you love most. How often do you turn to Me in anger when things disappoint you? When you kick and scream and mope I lovingly wait for you to be done and then cradle you in my arms to begin the healing process."
The only time Isaac and I weren't fighting today was when we were playing the huggie game: Isaac runs to me for a hug only to say "all done" seconds later and I hug him longer anyway and cover his face with kisses. I realized that while my reaction was to punish Isaac for his misbehavior by taking away the toys that he threw at my head or asking him to sit quietly in the chair for hitting me. These actions would be right if he were acting in defiance but God reminded me that I am caring for a broken heart. That grace extends beyond thrown toys. I imagined how many times God listens to someone curse his name one moment and then lovingly welcomes them back into his arms the next (think of the prodigal son).
I had been reacting all wrong. I was distancing myself from Isaac because I didn't want to react out of anger. I was protecting myself. I was focused on the behaviors and I missed the cry for help.
I knelt down and engaged my son. He crawled in my lap and we played like that for the next hour. We snuggled and I whispered in his ear that I loved him. We watched videos from everyone at the babies home [we had them each record a message for Isaac as a goodbye or advice for the future]. He heard again and again that he was valued and loved and would not forgotten. I took my time washing him and rubbing lotion on his sweet skin. I lovingly got him ready for bed and then snuggled with him again in the chair until he asked for his crib to sleep.
I am sure that tomorrow will also be a nightmare. How many times have we all accepted Gods forgiveness only to turn around and scorn him again? My hope is that God will give me the patience and strength to be able to extend the forgiveness Isaac needs as he grieves. I am asking for the wisdom to balance discipline with love, to look beyond the behavior and see the pain and confusion in his eyes. I am also asking God to speak to his heart and help him trust that Bill is not gone, but he has gone ahead to prepare for us, we will see him again soon enough...if only there was a good example of that in the bible somewhere? lol
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