It has been a really long and hard summer for me (Lauren) with the adoption and in other ways. A cloud of gloom and message of failure and rejection has followed me into almost every area of my life. This past week Bill and I took advantage of a free overnight to get away and on the way home I started to mourn. I didn't want to go back (to my amazing life mind you).
I reluctantly realized that though my struggles were real and valid, my attitude sucked. I have allowed myself to wallow in this place of selfishness where what I want should always come first. Such a place doesn't exist and I was annoyed that it couldn't exist. I was looking at my life from my perspective and I felt inadequate and unvalued at the same time.
Then, this week, I watched my almost 3 year old. She fell on the floor and although she was uninjured and perfectly capable of getting up, she laid there and begged for me to pick her up off the ground; which I lovingly did.
Cara has also learned which buttons to push to manipulate a situation. For example, She knows that, because she is newly potty trained, if she asks for me to take her to the bathroom, I will drop everything and run. She has learned how to get her way. She has developed her own desires and will do whatever it takes to make them a reality.
How different am I at 30 than she is at almost 3? I have my own desires and expectations and I am disappointed when they are not met. I have an agenda and I do everything within my control and abilities to accomplish it. (And I am annoyed about what gets in my way that I can't control.)
I am beyond capable of doing all the things that God is asking of me but instead I lay on the floor lazily because I'd rather complain then get up. Yet He picks me up over and over again and reminds me that I can do it all with His help.
When I look at Cara my heart breaks because I can see the bigger pictured for her. I know what skipping a nap now will mean for her day and her attitude. All she sees are the immediate things she'd rather do. When I move her in a direction she doesn't want to go, I know it's for the best, but she just thinks I am cruel or that I don't care what she wants.
It's the same with God. He looks at my broken heart and wishes I could see the bigger picture. What feels like endless delays for me is really God's incredible timing. What feels like failure in not having a second kid already God has given me as the gift of extended time with my daughter to be treasured.
When I approach my life from my selfish perspective it feels broken and overwhelming. Can you imagine what life would be like if Jesus had gone to the cross thinking about what was best for him? I have been seeing failures, rejections and delays. God has been seeing a stuborn kid who won't pick herself up off the floor to see all the amazing things just steps beyond her reach.
I know that if Bill or Cara's life were in danger I would trade my life for theirs in a heartbeat without even having to think about it. I love them more than myself and in that moment the choice would be simple. What God showed me today is that he isn't asking me to die for them in one brave moment. He is asking me to die to myself (my plans, expectations, desires, and the right to be put first) every single day and to put my families needs before my own in every moment. Ultimately to trust Him as He guides my family. To know that what God is asking of me in this moment seems unfair (like Cara's nap time) but that it's really what is best for the bigger picture.
So, just like an almost 3 year old, now I know better but I still don't really want to do it. So please pray that I would be able to trust God, get off my a$$, and start seeing the good in my life instead of all the ways it isn't going according to "plan".
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Thank You to Bill who has been nothing but patient and supportive in all the crazy things God has allowed to come my way this summer. I love you! You're amazing.
