Everyone is meeting together in Uganda next week. I am not even sure what they plan to discuss or what options are on the table. At first I was frustrated with the timing...NEXT week! Why does everything have to be so slow?
Then I realized that I need this time for God to prepare my heart. I have been telling everyone that I am seeking God with unyielding intensity because I need to know if Simon is our son. I need to know if He is asking us to take this on.
Just now I realized that I am not being truly honest. I have been pushing myself to believe that God can do anything, that we could win this case even if everything in the file is against us because God can do anything! This is true, but it is only one way it could go. Please don't confuse this with doubt. I have seen God do incredible things and I know that he can do more than we can even ask or imagine. But I also know that sometimes John the baptist is beheaded, and Lazarus dies so that a greater miracle can be seen. Sometimes those we love are healed by leaving this world for heaven when we would much rather have had a miracle cure and more time together on earth. I can't put God in a box and assume that the only way our story can truly bring God glory is if Simon comes home.
My Mom has a good friend that always says "Don't ask the question if you aren't prepared for the answer." What she means by this is that there is more than one answer to most questions and sometimes we fall apart when we don't get the answer we want. We have to be prepared for ALL possible answers before we ask the question. I realized today that while I have been claiming to be listening for God to speak, I have only been willing to hear one answer... There is more than one answer to this question.
So today as I ask it again, "is Simon forever our son? Are we his forever home?" I am also asking God to help me be brave. I asked him to help me hear his voice even if it isn't what I want to hear. I am asking him to be clear. I have realized that if I truly want to have confidence that God's answer is 'yes' I have to be willing to hear him say 'no' or 'wait' or 'stay' or 'go' or "..." Otherwise I will always wonder if this is just something I talked myself into or something I forced because of my own selfishness in wanting it to be Simon.
I know we were called to this adoption process.
I know we were called to Uganda.
I need to know if we are called to continue at all cost.
Even as I write that I feel peace filling my heart. Whatever the answer.
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I wonder sometimes about those of you that follow this blog that don't believe in God. I must seem batty to you. I guess it is something you will never fully understand until you are willing to trust God with your whole heart. In high school I vowed to pursue God until it stopped making sense. Even now in the midst of all this up and down it still makes more sense to me than anything else in my life.
Thursday, March 20, 2014
Monday, March 17, 2014
Down But Not Out
After falling apart at the news of a new relative interested in Simon we received yet another email. The aunt might not be an ideal candidate to raise Simon. They have given Simon's case file to the lawyers and it is up to them to decide if we have a case.
This roller coaster of the unknown is why we originally kept quiet about the possibility of things working out with Simon.
What we know now is this: IF we have a case it is a weak one. We can't walk into that court room feeling like it is just a formality. It will be a trail for us to endure.
So we are down once again to faith. If God means for Simon to be our son we have nothing to worry.
David defeated Goliath even though Goliath was a fierce giant.
The Israelite entered the promised land even though it was occupied by their enemy.
The walls of Jericho came crashing down with just the shouts of God's people.
Gideon was the weakest of the weak and he still lead his small army to victory.
Time and time again God uses the little guy so that it can be clear that it is God winning the battle and not us. We knew going into this that God would have to make a way. He has taken us this far. What we are asking for now is continued clarity. If Simon is meant to be our son we know nothing can get in our way. However, we are aware that God might be using us to a different end. Perhaps our story will help fuel the fight to help fix a broken system. Perhaps we will be the catalyst needed to have Simon's biological family step forward to raise him. We won't know until we are there. So please, continue to pray for us and lift us all up as week seek God's direction.
Thank you.
This roller coaster of the unknown is why we originally kept quiet about the possibility of things working out with Simon.
What we know now is this: IF we have a case it is a weak one. We can't walk into that court room feeling like it is just a formality. It will be a trail for us to endure.
So we are down once again to faith. If God means for Simon to be our son we have nothing to worry.
David defeated Goliath even though Goliath was a fierce giant.
The Israelite entered the promised land even though it was occupied by their enemy.
The walls of Jericho came crashing down with just the shouts of God's people.
Gideon was the weakest of the weak and he still lead his small army to victory.
Time and time again God uses the little guy so that it can be clear that it is God winning the battle and not us. We knew going into this that God would have to make a way. He has taken us this far. What we are asking for now is continued clarity. If Simon is meant to be our son we know nothing can get in our way. However, we are aware that God might be using us to a different end. Perhaps our story will help fuel the fight to help fix a broken system. Perhaps we will be the catalyst needed to have Simon's biological family step forward to raise him. We won't know until we are there. So please, continue to pray for us and lift us all up as week seek God's direction.
Thank you.
Stuck
This one is a hard one. The only way I could get through it was to pray as I wrote. My prayers are in grey. Welcome to the battle inside my mind to hang onto God's promises and truth a midst a sea of pain and lies.
-------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------I hate when my gut is right.
On Friday, we received an email from Lisa saying that she had pursued Ken, Cathy and Alice all week but heard nothing back from them about Simon and his case. They had sent reports on all the other children but said nothing about Simon. Her assumption was that the three of them needed to meet together before any of them could respond.
I knew this was bad news. If it was going according to plan they wouldn't need to conference first. I tried to stay optimistic over the weekend. It could be anything. It could be that they are just busy with the family that is in country this month and unable to accomplish much else. It could even be that they already filed our paperwork and figured that since things were headed in a good direction they'd update us whenever they could.
[There is a reason God says not to worry about tomorrow. Matthew 6:34 "Therefore do not worry about tomorrow, for tomorrow will worry about itself. Each day has enough trouble of its own." I had a great weekend with Cara celebrating a friends upcoming wedding and Uncle Bill turning 70. We could have missed out on a lot of good memories this weekend if I had let my thoughts consume me.]
I opened my email this morning and did what I always do...scan for the word Uganda and hope for the best. The email was crushing. "An Aunt has expressed interest." 5 words changed my Monday from a sing song melody to a broken hallelujah.
Once again we are being asked to put our dreams on hold. God's plan isn't on hold but my dreams of holding my son are fading. We said from the beginning that we would do whatever it takes for Simon to have the best life possible. When the phone rang back in January we scheduled the conference call knowing that we would say "yes" to whatever they asked be it money, time or travel.
Ultimately, we want what is best for Simon but it kills me to have to admit again that the answer might not be us.
In this moment I am angry with his family. Really Angry. "If you want him just come get him! He has been right there in front of you this entire time!!" I honestly don't understand, but it probably seems just as crazy to them that there is an American family who wants to pay thousands of dollars to bring Simon home with us. [God give me the strength to forgive them.]
I am thankful that Tenderheart is a wonderful place to grow up and that Simon is receiving the best possible care, but no one should have to grow up without parents. The system is frustrating. It feels broken and misguided. [God, help me to trust you to do what is best for these orphans. Please work through our story to help fix a broken system. Help me to find peace in the fact that YOU are there with Simon and the others, for the good days and bad. We do not walk this journey alone. Help me with my frustration and please bless the staff at Tenderheart]
I feel broken. I don't understand why my heart is full of an unending desire to help raise these orphans if the door to that opportunity will only keep slamming in my face. [God help me to know your direction and your timing.]
I feel stuck. I don't want Cara to continue to grow up without siblings. We have considered all of our options and not one of them feels right for our family. The only thing that ever made sense was Simon.
In the wake of this news it is hard not to feel like my world is crashing down. My heart is broken and my reflex is to make it stop. I know deep down there is a reason for this pain but it's hard to see in this moment. Once again God gently whispers "this was never about you." Sacrifice is something He understands. I know he is holding me as I cry. We are not on this journey alone but it is so much harder than I ever thought possible. [God, let there be less of me and more of YOU]
How many mothers out there have had to loose their son...twice? [God, thank you for willingly giving up your son to die for all of us who don't deserve such a gift. Thank you for knowing how I feel and carrying me through when I cannot take another step.]
Our Greatest Teachers
Once again I am humbled as I learn some of life's most difficult lessons through my children.
Have you ever heard a song so often that you can sing along without even realizing you're doing so? That happens to me a lot in the car because I listen to K-LOVE and they tend to repeat songs a lot throughout the day (this drives Bill crazy but I love it because I know all the words and so does Cara. It is often quite the concert in the Subaru).
The downside to this is that I don't always stop and really think about the words I am singing because in a way I am multitasking my worship. My heart is always in it, but sometimes there are great truths in front of me and all I'm humming is the melody.
This past Sunday, Bill led the church in a song called "Oceans" by Hillsongs. It is a song about one of the most impressive moments in human faith (if you ask me); when Simon Peter steps out of the boat and onto the water to walk with Jesus.
Side Note: Ever since we learned that the match fell through in August/September I have been inundated with messages about the life of Simon Peter. At conferences, through devotionals, as I watch speakers I love on YouTube, as I read books about discipleship...Simon Peter, Simon Peter, Simon Peter. It's been like a broken record of irony in my life. Usually people just call him by the name Jesus gave him..."Peter", but for whatever reason the new trend seems to be to identify him as 'Simon Peter' when preaching or writing about his life. It is probably just me, because my heart is so tender toward that name, but it has been everywhere I look.
As we find ourselves in yet another season of waiting for life changing circumstances of which we have no control, I am damaged. We have been told that against-all-odds Simon might come home. They said we can be "cautiously optimistic." To be perfectly honest, I am so scared to do that. Simon was taken from us before and the odds are no more in our favor this time than before. I KNOW that God is writing an incredible story through his life and that every detail is intentional and important. What I don't know is if we are just reoccuring characters for a mid season finale or if we have been cast as the permanent parents in Simon's life. So I have been hesitant to trust.
We also decided to be 100% in submission to God's will and we stopped using birth control once they officially told us Simon's case was closed. As I write this I am 6 days late. If we are pregnant we are not allowed to pursue an adoption. We aren't sure if it is Ugandan law or USA law or just agency policy for adoption but either way the answer is the same. If pregnancy occurs we are taken off the perspective parent list until the baby is 6 months old.
So needless to say I've been silently freaking out, because no one knows the news about Simon. It has taken everything in me not to text my friends freaking out about something I know they can do nothing about. Something in me just feels the need to tell anyone and everyone....except God. Because God might say, "this is my plan and it is good." He might not agree with me that this is the worst possible moment in history to get pregnant, I mean, look at Mary. Her circumstances weren't exactly ideal but they were exactly what they needed to be to play out one of the most essential moments in God's greatest love story. When he sent his son. [I'm not saying I'm Mary, I'm just pointing out that God isn't always in the business of adjusting to our ideas of "perfect timing".]
I have been down this road long enough to know that if the one person I don't want to go to about something is God than that is exactly who I am supposed to be going to about it. So all this week I have been reciting "Lean not on your own understanding, in all your ways acknowledge him and HE will make your paths straight." Over and over, every time I have been tempted to worry..."lean not on YOUR own UNDERSTANDING." Every time I am tempted to text someone who will validate all my fears and freak out with me..."in ALL your ways acknowledge HIM".
Then this morning we sang Oceans. A song about a man named Simon Peter who had faith without borders. Who trusted God in the storm from inside the boat and proved it by stepping out of the boat. He was human; he started to doubt and he started to sink, but in the midst of fear trying to take over he called out to Jesus and held on with all the strength that he had.
I am so glad that my son's name is Simon Peter because bringing him home has made me step out of the boat more times than I ever wanted to. The story of his namesake has given me courage when I had none. Read the words to this song, even if you know it and you sing it several times a day without thinking. The story is remarkable. I need a faith without borders, I need to be challenged to trust God when my own understanding says life doesn't add up.
You call me out upon the waters
The great unknown where feet may fail
And there I find You in the mystery
In oceans deep
My faith will stand
And I will call upon Your name
And keep my eyes above the waves
When oceans rise
My soul will rest in Your embrace
For I am Yours and You are mine
Your grace abounds in deepest waters
Your sovereign hand
Will be my guide
Where feet may fail and fear surrounds me
You've never failed and You won't start now
Spirit lead me where my trust is without borders
Let me walk upon the waters
Wherever You would call me
Take me deeper than my feet could ever wander
And my faith will be made stronger
In the presence of my Savior
I will call upon Your Name
Keep my eyes above the waves
My soul will rest in Your embrace
I am Yours and You are mine
---------------
We could be pregnant. We could not be pregnant. We could get a call in 4 weeks time to say that we are applying for a court date to bring Simon home. We could get all call 2 weeks after that saying someone came to get him and it's canceled. We could fly all the way to Uganda and the judge could say no. We could be pregant, get the call, still be allowed to adopt (because God can move any mountain even man made laws if necessary [think Daniel and the Lions Den], have to travel in 3 weeks and be home with Simon before his 2nd birthday....
There are a lot of "what if's" and unknowns, but I am asking God to keep my eyes above all that and grow my trust in Him and His plan for our lives. He never makes mistakes. MY UNDERSTANDING is so limited. I have to trust in HIS.
Have you ever heard a song so often that you can sing along without even realizing you're doing so? That happens to me a lot in the car because I listen to K-LOVE and they tend to repeat songs a lot throughout the day (this drives Bill crazy but I love it because I know all the words and so does Cara. It is often quite the concert in the Subaru).
The downside to this is that I don't always stop and really think about the words I am singing because in a way I am multitasking my worship. My heart is always in it, but sometimes there are great truths in front of me and all I'm humming is the melody.
This past Sunday, Bill led the church in a song called "Oceans" by Hillsongs. It is a song about one of the most impressive moments in human faith (if you ask me); when Simon Peter steps out of the boat and onto the water to walk with Jesus.
Side Note: Ever since we learned that the match fell through in August/September I have been inundated with messages about the life of Simon Peter. At conferences, through devotionals, as I watch speakers I love on YouTube, as I read books about discipleship...Simon Peter, Simon Peter, Simon Peter. It's been like a broken record of irony in my life. Usually people just call him by the name Jesus gave him..."Peter", but for whatever reason the new trend seems to be to identify him as 'Simon Peter' when preaching or writing about his life. It is probably just me, because my heart is so tender toward that name, but it has been everywhere I look.
As we find ourselves in yet another season of waiting for life changing circumstances of which we have no control, I am damaged. We have been told that against-all-odds Simon might come home. They said we can be "cautiously optimistic." To be perfectly honest, I am so scared to do that. Simon was taken from us before and the odds are no more in our favor this time than before. I KNOW that God is writing an incredible story through his life and that every detail is intentional and important. What I don't know is if we are just reoccuring characters for a mid season finale or if we have been cast as the permanent parents in Simon's life. So I have been hesitant to trust.
We also decided to be 100% in submission to God's will and we stopped using birth control once they officially told us Simon's case was closed. As I write this I am 6 days late. If we are pregnant we are not allowed to pursue an adoption. We aren't sure if it is Ugandan law or USA law or just agency policy for adoption but either way the answer is the same. If pregnancy occurs we are taken off the perspective parent list until the baby is 6 months old.
So needless to say I've been silently freaking out, because no one knows the news about Simon. It has taken everything in me not to text my friends freaking out about something I know they can do nothing about. Something in me just feels the need to tell anyone and everyone....except God. Because God might say, "this is my plan and it is good." He might not agree with me that this is the worst possible moment in history to get pregnant, I mean, look at Mary. Her circumstances weren't exactly ideal but they were exactly what they needed to be to play out one of the most essential moments in God's greatest love story. When he sent his son. [I'm not saying I'm Mary, I'm just pointing out that God isn't always in the business of adjusting to our ideas of "perfect timing".]
I have been down this road long enough to know that if the one person I don't want to go to about something is God than that is exactly who I am supposed to be going to about it. So all this week I have been reciting "Lean not on your own understanding, in all your ways acknowledge him and HE will make your paths straight." Over and over, every time I have been tempted to worry..."lean not on YOUR own UNDERSTANDING." Every time I am tempted to text someone who will validate all my fears and freak out with me..."in ALL your ways acknowledge HIM".
Then this morning we sang Oceans. A song about a man named Simon Peter who had faith without borders. Who trusted God in the storm from inside the boat and proved it by stepping out of the boat. He was human; he started to doubt and he started to sink, but in the midst of fear trying to take over he called out to Jesus and held on with all the strength that he had.
I am so glad that my son's name is Simon Peter because bringing him home has made me step out of the boat more times than I ever wanted to. The story of his namesake has given me courage when I had none. Read the words to this song, even if you know it and you sing it several times a day without thinking. The story is remarkable. I need a faith without borders, I need to be challenged to trust God when my own understanding says life doesn't add up.
You call me out upon the waters
The great unknown where feet may fail
And there I find You in the mystery
In oceans deep
My faith will stand
And I will call upon Your name
And keep my eyes above the waves
When oceans rise
My soul will rest in Your embrace
For I am Yours and You are mine
Your grace abounds in deepest waters
Your sovereign hand
Will be my guide
Where feet may fail and fear surrounds me
You've never failed and You won't start now
Spirit lead me where my trust is without borders
Let me walk upon the waters
Wherever You would call me
Take me deeper than my feet could ever wander
And my faith will be made stronger
In the presence of my Savior
I will call upon Your Name
Keep my eyes above the waves
My soul will rest in Your embrace
I am Yours and You are mine
---------------
We could be pregnant. We could not be pregnant. We could get a call in 4 weeks time to say that we are applying for a court date to bring Simon home. We could get all call 2 weeks after that saying someone came to get him and it's canceled. We could fly all the way to Uganda and the judge could say no. We could be pregant, get the call, still be allowed to adopt (because God can move any mountain even man made laws if necessary [think Daniel and the Lions Den], have to travel in 3 weeks and be home with Simon before his 2nd birthday....
There are a lot of "what if's" and unknowns, but I am asking God to keep my eyes above all that and grow my trust in Him and His plan for our lives. He never makes mistakes. MY UNDERSTANDING is so limited. I have to trust in HIS.
10 Weeks
If we have learned anything through adoption it is that time is a tricky thing. Everything is estimated and you can't cling to any individual time frame with expectations that it will be exact (or even close to accurate). This isn't anyone's fault per say. There is a lot of red tape and a lot of cultural differences, language translations, and multiple agencies and offices all connected to an individual case etc. We knew this when the phone rang on January 13th. Bill has reminded me of it often...just because they said 6 weeks doesn't mean it will happen that fast.
Here we are at 10 weeks. It took a week or so to get the original letter to Simon's family written and sent. So the "clock" on 6 weeks started late (see already I'm assuming there was an exact time frame...how can something with no target launch be late? Because a mother's heart understands a different timeline). A week ago we arrived at the 6 weeks deadline for the letters and we have heard nothing from Uganda. Lisa said the lawyer that is most familiar with Simon's case is on vacation, but friends in Uganda don't think she is on vacation. These are the times the enemy messes with me. Thank God for my husband (literally). He is always able to pull back and see the bigger picture. Even when I am irritated by his unending optimism and open mindedness he still gently and lovingly reminds me of God's bigger plan here.
We will hear about Simon at the exact right moment. Just as it has been every step of the way. We will travel to get Simon at the exact right moment (even if it doesn't seem exactly right when it's happening, we will look back and realize that God's fingerprints are all over our travel just as they have been all over every detail that brought us here.)
I wouldn't be honest if I didn't blog about the irritating moments. It has been so hard knowing about Malaria and Menigitus and overcrowdedness. This mommy just wants to get on a plane and find her son, but even more than that, this mommy wants to trust the Lord and wait on Him for His perfect plan.
Here we are at 10 weeks. It took a week or so to get the original letter to Simon's family written and sent. So the "clock" on 6 weeks started late (see already I'm assuming there was an exact time frame...how can something with no target launch be late? Because a mother's heart understands a different timeline). A week ago we arrived at the 6 weeks deadline for the letters and we have heard nothing from Uganda. Lisa said the lawyer that is most familiar with Simon's case is on vacation, but friends in Uganda don't think she is on vacation. These are the times the enemy messes with me. Thank God for my husband (literally). He is always able to pull back and see the bigger picture. Even when I am irritated by his unending optimism and open mindedness he still gently and lovingly reminds me of God's bigger plan here.
We will hear about Simon at the exact right moment. Just as it has been every step of the way. We will travel to get Simon at the exact right moment (even if it doesn't seem exactly right when it's happening, we will look back and realize that God's fingerprints are all over our travel just as they have been all over every detail that brought us here.)
I wouldn't be honest if I didn't blog about the irritating moments. It has been so hard knowing about Malaria and Menigitus and overcrowdedness. This mommy just wants to get on a plane and find her son, but even more than that, this mommy wants to trust the Lord and wait on Him for His perfect plan.
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