If only you could truly be inside my head. You would surely laugh. At times I feel like David looking at Goliath and knowing I have the God given ability to knock him down and I am just waiting for someone to say "go!" so I can sling this rock and get on with what needs to be done. What I wouldn't give to cut off the enemy's head about now.
At times I feel like Moses standing before Pharaoh begging him to let my people go.
At times I'm just myself kicking and screaming, jumping and cheering because I know that God is bigger than all power and authority and it doesn't matter what laws are in place, God could bring Simon home.
But sometimes the answer is just no. Sometimes we aren't meant to sling the rock or release a billion frogs on our enemy. Sometimes the social worker calls and says the lawyer has officially closed the case. Not that we walk away from the challenge or that we give up on the fight but if the officials call the game you don't keep playing. You stop, rest, wait and train for the next round.
So today I took Simon's picture off the wall and placed it in my bible where I will always be reminded to pray for him as he grows up. Then I finally went into Cara's room and hung his star near hers so that in some way they will always be together. I changed the picture on my phone from his precious little feet to one of my beautiful Caraline making me so proud at school.
Today I said"goodbye" instead of "see you soon."
A week ago today I was reminded by a good friend that I have been blessed beyond measure. She challenged me to treasure the details of my life now. What an incredible gift it is to stop and treasure the details of your life. I have absolutely nothing to be sad about and so much worth being thankful for, including Simon.
So while this news is always hard to process, I am thankful for the closure. I am thankful for a chance to go back on the waiting list and have an opportunity to be used in another child's life. Above everything else...today I am thankful.
Monday, October 21, 2013
Friday, October 11, 2013
You Can Learn a Lot From Your Purse
So this morning Cara and I were in a mad dash to avoid being stuck behind the recycle truck. It rumbled down our street threatening to make us late for preschool. We were up early today and actually ready to sprint out the door when I couldn't find my keys (I mean really, who is surprised?) In an effort to move quickly I dumped the entire contents of my purse onto the couch.
Laughing all the way we dashed to the car and buckled up "fast, fast, fast" to beat the truck. Victory! We snuck out just in time.
As I came back home I walked past the pile of my purse contents on the couch. I found some trash, a few wrinkled receipts from past purchases, half an acorn (Cara loves to collect things from nature), sunglasses, a sunscreen stick, a princess necklace, a spoon, a library card, hand sanitizer and a pen. I looked at the pile on this rainy day and thought how useless the sunglasses would be today. Then I looked at the sunscreen and thought that I should probably put that back in our bag of summer things, it was silly to hold onto it now. As I cleaned up the princess necklace, spoon and acorn I was reminded of all the amazing things I learn from my daughter everyday. The library card and receipts reminded me of the places I had traveled this week. All in all it wasn't too much of a mess (I've definitely seen worse) but I laughed at how much I was carrying around with me that I didn't need to.
I was struck at what a neat metaphor this was for our hearts and how we really could really benefit from dumping ourselves out before God and letting go of the things we aren't meant to carry. I thought about how beautiful it would be to get on my knees before God and empty myself at his throne. So of course my next move was to do the dishes. Sometimes when wisdom hits it takes a few seconds to sink in.
With the sink clean I caught up on some text messages with people I had been meaning to connect with and a few quick emails. Then, it hit me like big truck rumbling down the street, my heart quickly becoming overwhelmed. Like the recycle truck I saw it coming and I knew I needed to be prepared. As my eyes welled up my knees bent. In the back room surrounded by tiny tables and a toy kitchen I dumped my heart out before God. "I trust you" was the only thing I manged to say out loud before the tears came. Life is changing seasons but I'm still holding onto the sunscreen. I am unable to close the door on this little boy who invaded my heart and found a permanent home there. So I just cried silently to Jesus about the places where my heart aches and I spoke aloud his promises to never leave me. I let my mascara run as I confessed all the things in my life that I felt were unfair; all the children that have come into our friends and families lives while we wait patiently for Ugi to come home and all the things we put on hold because we might travel soon. I confessed my jealously and my selfish plans. I thanked God for the opportunities before me but confessed that I'd rather be in Africa. None of this was new to him but it felt good to dump it all out and sort through the mess.
The funny thing of it all is that my keys were never in my purse to begin with. I found them on the kitchen counter after I dumped my entire purse out on the couch. It was the same with my hope. I had momentarily misplaced it but that was the catalyst I needed to turn my heart to God today and seek His strength to carry on. Just like my keys, I found my hope and the vision for my life right where I had left them, at the feet of Jesus.
Laughing all the way we dashed to the car and buckled up "fast, fast, fast" to beat the truck. Victory! We snuck out just in time.
As I came back home I walked past the pile of my purse contents on the couch. I found some trash, a few wrinkled receipts from past purchases, half an acorn (Cara loves to collect things from nature), sunglasses, a sunscreen stick, a princess necklace, a spoon, a library card, hand sanitizer and a pen. I looked at the pile on this rainy day and thought how useless the sunglasses would be today. Then I looked at the sunscreen and thought that I should probably put that back in our bag of summer things, it was silly to hold onto it now. As I cleaned up the princess necklace, spoon and acorn I was reminded of all the amazing things I learn from my daughter everyday. The library card and receipts reminded me of the places I had traveled this week. All in all it wasn't too much of a mess (I've definitely seen worse) but I laughed at how much I was carrying around with me that I didn't need to.
I was struck at what a neat metaphor this was for our hearts and how we really could really benefit from dumping ourselves out before God and letting go of the things we aren't meant to carry. I thought about how beautiful it would be to get on my knees before God and empty myself at his throne. So of course my next move was to do the dishes. Sometimes when wisdom hits it takes a few seconds to sink in.
With the sink clean I caught up on some text messages with people I had been meaning to connect with and a few quick emails. Then, it hit me like big truck rumbling down the street, my heart quickly becoming overwhelmed. Like the recycle truck I saw it coming and I knew I needed to be prepared. As my eyes welled up my knees bent. In the back room surrounded by tiny tables and a toy kitchen I dumped my heart out before God. "I trust you" was the only thing I manged to say out loud before the tears came. Life is changing seasons but I'm still holding onto the sunscreen. I am unable to close the door on this little boy who invaded my heart and found a permanent home there. So I just cried silently to Jesus about the places where my heart aches and I spoke aloud his promises to never leave me. I let my mascara run as I confessed all the things in my life that I felt were unfair; all the children that have come into our friends and families lives while we wait patiently for Ugi to come home and all the things we put on hold because we might travel soon. I confessed my jealously and my selfish plans. I thanked God for the opportunities before me but confessed that I'd rather be in Africa. None of this was new to him but it felt good to dump it all out and sort through the mess.
The funny thing of it all is that my keys were never in my purse to begin with. I found them on the kitchen counter after I dumped my entire purse out on the couch. It was the same with my hope. I had momentarily misplaced it but that was the catalyst I needed to turn my heart to God today and seek His strength to carry on. Just like my keys, I found my hope and the vision for my life right where I had left them, at the feet of Jesus.
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)