June 19th

This morning I awoke with a heart that was overflowing with emotion and yet totally at peace. This date on the calendar marks many things for our family. To call today a celebration of what God has done is almost an understatement. I feel a little bit like an academy award winner when I say that "all of the glory goes to God." That statement can be shared in a flippant way like "God bless you" or "I'll pray for you" but in this case the truth behind it simply cannot be ignored. ALL OF THE GLORY GOES TO GOD!

For those of you that own a copy of Jesus Calling, get it out and read the entry for June 19th (for those of you that don't own this devotional, go buy it! Mine is 8 years old and I keep going back to it). The title for today is "I Am The Firm Foundation." This could not be more true for Bill and I.

So what exactly are we giving him credit for? Everything!

10 years ago today, I married the most incredible friend I have ever had. In our ceremony the first thing we did after being pronounced husband and wife was not "kiss the bride." We stepped away from our ceremony and while a good friend sang beautifully to the audience Bill and I snuck away to pray thank God as our very first act as husband and wife. He is our foundation. It wasn't this act or anything else that we have done that has kept us together this long. My goodness, if it were up to us we would have messed this up long ago. We have had to fight hard against distractions, traditions and expectations to keep our eyes fixed on God and not our family, our jobs, our kids or each other. Following God with abandon has led us to this day and we are so thankful!

6 months ago today, our phone rang and then a big black van drove through the gates of African Village and officially brought Isaac home into our family. If you have read any of this blog you know that God's hands have been at work in every step of this victory for our family.

(see facebook for video)

6 months ago today was also Cara's 5th birthday and her wish of being a big sister finally came true.

Today marks Cara's last day of preschool. I cannot even begin to say what a faith step this was for us. We lost our referral for Simon on her first day of preschool in 2013. Everything in my broken heart wanted to drive back to Cara's school, snatch her up and never let go. I couldn't loose both my babies in one day (and for this emotional mommy, it felt that way). I had to trust that we had followed God and made the right decision by enrolling her at age 3. It felt too soon but God knew the timing was right. He had put her in Miss Vaughn's class and he intended for her to bloom there and she absolutely has. We could not be more thankful for all of the ways Cara has grown as a result of her time in preschool.

Today's devotion also had this incredible truth "Give up striving to keep everything under control--an impossible task and a wast of precious energy." I am so thankful for this message. As we enter yet another season of unknown(s) for our family it has been incredible to look back at all we have to be thankful for and also reminded that none of it was because of my/our control. Almost the opposite really, it is time times we have let go and trusted that we have been the most blessed.

The Next Unknown

The next Unknown

I just finished a beautiful devotion in a book designed for Moms who have said yes to the Fatherless. It was given to me by a mom who is a few years ahead of me in this process and I am very grateful to have words written that speak directly to this unique and perplex season I am in.

Tonights words spoke of the beautiful moment when you finally get to hold the child you have longed for, prayed for and sacrificed for. Both of your eyes fill with tears but for entirely different reasons. This picture of Isaac and I shows the moment well. I am so overwhelmed with the flood of love and emotions that have been contained for far too long and Isaac is cold and afraid. He doesn’t trust me…yet.

 If I think about the times that God has patiently waited, overflowing with love just waiting for me to trust him and yet I hit the snooze button and make him wait…again. Oh the unbearable season of waiting!  When I think about all that he sacrificed and the depth of love that would bring him to do that, it humbles me. God thinks I am worth it, even when I stand there numb and afraid of the next step. Even when I am so confused by my circumstances I barely remember He is there just waiting to love me. Yet, He waits some more and sacrifices some more because he knows that one day I’ll trust him. I will take his hand and follow him into the next unknown because I have learned that as long as He is guiding me, I will make it through.

Isaac and I recently had that moment. We took him to the beach for the first time. He was utterly confused by what we were describing to him. He could not understand why he was in his swimsuit but we were NOT going to a pool. He never considered there might be somewhere else to swim? How could he know? He was perplexed as he stepped on the sand and the ground underneath him moved. What was this squishy ground that looked like snow (which is what he called it at first) but wasn’t cold? Then Isaac saw the ocean itself and he no longer cared if the ground gave way underneath his weight or not, he just had to get to the water…(then he was momentarily distracted by the cars on the beach, don’t we all have things that appear to distract us right after we’ve had a break through?!)

 Once he finally arrived, Isaac had a love/hate relationship with the water. If he was holding my hand he was thrilled and never wanted to leave the endless splashing. “No bye, bye Mommy, No bye bye!” However, in the moments where he let go or attempted to enter the water alone he would fall and the waves would get deeper than he expected. What once felt safe suddenly was terrifying and he screamed as if the world was ending! That is until he looked up and took my hand. Instantly he would smile and pull me to go just a little father. He could do anything as long as he was holding my hand. He trusted me to get him through this next unknown and I was more than happy to never let go.

 

God is Not Like Mommy

As we manage to get out of the house more and more I have been so humbled by the number of people that ask me about this blog.  So many of you have read it faithfully and already feel like you know our sweet boy in a personal way. I could not be more thankful for all of your prayers and kind words. Many of you have encouraged me to keep writing, so here goes…

The days are so real now and they come one right after another like endless waves on the ocean shore. The waiting was hard, oh so very hard and God used it to break me, build me and strengthen my resolve. He used it to clarify and solidify this irreversible decision for our family. However, I realize now that even the unbearable season of waiting was just a baby step in a huge process of growth for me. It’s similar to the college experience in a way.  It was such an intense time of growing up for me. While I was going through it I felt overwhelmed at times and seemed to barely survive the roommates and the finals, but after I entered the “real world”, post degree, I suddenly realized that I had more free time in college than I would ever have again in my lifetime.

Perhaps it’s not the best analogy but it makes sense to me. You see college is hard and there are moments that stretched me further than I’d ever been stretched before. In fact there were times in the semester when it was the hardest thing I’d ever had to face…yet.

My “yet” is now changing for me on a daily basis. Sometimes I’ve barely had time to process the last “yet” moment and I find myself face to face with something even harder. The NEW hardest thing I’ve ever had to face.

I wish that I could say that I have always gotten it right. I wish I could say that I have remained in perfect peace like it says in Isaiah 26:3. The truth is that I have failed a lot. All the training and seminars in the world cannot prepare you for what it is like to love a complete stranger as if they were never a stranger at all. It is a beautiful mess of miracles and meltdowns.

Oh my sweet, sweet children. Please know that everyday Mommy does her best to love you unconditionally. Please know that even when I fail, God will never fail you.

I am so thankful for the grace that comes new with every morning (or every meltdown – mine or theirs). I know that even on the days I yell or lose my patience quicker than I would like, I am forgiven. It doesn’t change the wrong I have done but it does give me the chance to go to my kids with a humble heart and ask for a chance to try again tomorrow.

I confess that there are days when I discipline out of anger or exhaustion. When I hear the words coming out of my mouth (or the tone with which I am saying them) and somehow wish I could stop myself from saying another word. I send them into time out because we all need space and my heart races as I think “How did I get to this place again?”  I call it “scary mommy.” Sometimes I wonder if labeling it was a bad idea but at least it will give the kids something to tell their therapist one day. I choose that title because I saw it one day in their faces. Mommy needed a time out (which I took) and I would calmly come back and ask for their forgiveness, but I had scared them. I yelled louder than necessary. The moments and days that followed were a strange mix of beautiful intimate moments and times when the kids walked on egg shells around me. It killed me inside to know that I had to earn their trust again.

Everyday I learn how to love them a little better. I know which child needs a gentle word and which needs firm boundaries. I remind myself that setbacks are to be expected and no to take rejection personally. I celebrate small victories like the fact that Isaac can finally say “bus” with an “s” sound instead of a “t” sound. It always made us laugh but it made for awkward public moments when Isaac would excitedly shout “Mommy cool butt” instead of “Mommy, look a school Bus.”

I am also learning how to love myself better. I am learning when to let the guilt and shame go and simply ask my kids for a fresh start. I am learning how to ask for help and when to take a break. I am learning that saying “no” to opportunities is a good thing for our family right now and that it is okay to hang back and let someone else meet the needs in our community for a while. My world has both increased immensely and shrunk down all at the same time. Mommy means a lot more than it did just 5 months ago.

As often as I can remember I try to see the events of my day through a new filter that helps me see the triggers and the fears behind the behaviors. I offer "redo's" instead of a constant stream of "time out."

I am once again being stretched father than I ever thought possible. I look back on the rollercoaster of waiting and I think at least there were moments to regroup before the next wave hit... but mostly I find myself thankful (exhausted but thankful). Thankful for family and friends for facebook and Fridays. I am thankful for every smile and fresh start.

Thank you to everyone that asks how we are doing and waits to hear the stories, good & bad. I'll do my best to keep this window into our life open. I'm learning a lot and maybe someone else will benefit from my mistakes and victories.