It is 12:42 am and I am awake because of a spoon.
Why would a spoon keep me up all night? This particular spoon was under the pillow of our sweet Ugandan boy who is anxiously awaiting fresh snow. Just when we thought we had seen the last of winter's icy chill the weather reports started coming about one last mega-storm of the season. Apparently, it is a tradition of sorts to sleep with a spoon under your pillow if you are hoping for snow. I agree it is an odd tradition, what does a spoon have to do with snowfall?
Isaac caught wind of the spoon theory and he just had to try it. Friends had spent all day at school dreaming of a snow day and even though we received the phone call hours before bedtime that school was, in fact, canceled due to the impending storm...he still had to give the spoon a try.
It started at 11:30. Our bedroom door opened to the sound of a wide-awake little boy. "My spoon fell down the crack and I can't get it back."
"It's okay baby, go back to sleep. It has already started to snow and you already know that school is canceled for tomorrow."
"But my spoon is stuck!"
"It's late buddy, go back to sleep and we will find the spoon in the morning.,,oh, and close the door on your way out."
We should have known better. Any change in Isaac's routine is enough to keep him up all night. If the blanket isn't right. If he isn't wearing socks. If he has two stuffed animals instead of one. If he has one stuffed animal instead of two. If he got a kiss on the cheek or forehead instead of a kiss on the lips. The list goes on and on and just when we think we have the exact formula for bedtime bliss...it changes. I should have known then that the spoon was going to cause trouble but I was exhausted and I just wanted to go back to sleep.
I heard the creak in the hallway first, thanks to our old house. Maybe he is just going to the bathroom. I think to myself. The floorboards creak again and I can tell he is in his sister's room now. Before I can will myself out of bed, our bedroom door opens and closes. It is so dark that I can't tell if he has entered the room. He must have seen me start to get up because his feet flew ninja quiet down the hall and he had almost made it back to his room before I made it to my doorway. "I had to check and see if the door was closed. Daddy asked me to close the door."
I check my watch. Midnight exactly. "Buddy, that was a half hour ago and it doesn't explain why you went into your sister's room too." I can see his body bend and squirm as the anxiety takes over. I do my best to be firm but calm. "It's time for bed now."
"My spoon is way down under Mommy."
"I know buddy but we can't get it until the morning. It is late and we all need to sleep so we can play in the snow tomorrow."
"Okay."
I tucked him in again. I checked the blanket. I checked the stuffed animals, the nightlight, the room temperature, the fan, the humidifier, the windows, the closet and anything else that might distract him from sleep...but I didn't get the spoon.
30 min later and my bedroom door opens again. This time it is Caraline with a flashlight. "I can't sleep." Wide awake by now, I get out of bed and begin walking her back to her room. That's when I hear the wailing and moaning. He is in a full blown meltdown. He thinks it is about the spoon, but it's never really about the "spoon."
"Sweetheart, did Isaac's crying wake you up?"
"No, Mommy. It's not his fault." She is covering for him. She is right, though, it isn't his fault. Her precious heart can realize that better than mine can at 12:42 am. I wake up Bill and we all begin the journey it will take to set things right again.
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Last week I was texting with a friend. Our Thursday was full and we had multiple places we needed to be that night but we weren't going to make it to any of them. You can rarely predict when it is going to be a hard day. There is never a "good" day for it to be a "hard" day. I spent more than an hour canceling plans and calling in favors to cover for my responsibilities that night. As a people pleaser this is especially hard for me. I want to be dependable but I have signed on to a life that is utterly unpredictable.
"I have to remember that I wanted this." I texted my friend. "I wanted to be the loving mom that helped a broken soul through PTSD and abandonment issues. I can't get upset when that reality disrupts my day." This text was followed not too long after with a more crass text "Stupid Jesus, giving me a heart for orphans. Doesn't he know I am a hot mess?"
It may have been a snarky and sarcastic way of dealing with my frustration in the moment but the truth is in there somewhere. The truth that God called us to this. We agonized and waited and waited and waited for the chance to love the little boy God had for us.
It is also true that I am a mess. Apart from God, I am the least likely candidate for this job. God has a habit of picking the least likely candidates. Raising a boy goes against everything I value. I like things neat and clean and calm. If you have raised a boy you are laughing right now.
God has a habit of stretching us outside of our comfort zone. It is when we are outside of our comfort zone that we turn to him, we follow him, we depend on him. When we tackle the small things we can do on our own with little effort, it is easy to glorify ourselves. It feels nice to get all the glory at times but it isn't what we were designed for and eventually, it feels empty. Deep down our hearts long for our creator (though few of us realize the ache inside for what it really is). The greatest high I have ever had is when I have allowed God to use me for something I never could have done apart from Him. As I look back, the best moments of my life are when I have taken the leap and followed God down a path that seemed impossible. When people know that there is no way you can do something...and it still gets done. That's when God gets the glory. THAT'S when the least likely candidate becomes the BEST candidate, because, as much as we would like it to be, the challenge before us was never about us to begin with.
So someone please remind me of this tomorrow when I am tired and my kids want to build a snowman. Please remind me that there is a God that loves me and loves them and he will guide me through the impossible if I just look to him and let him.
Lord, help me look to you when I am weak. Help me to come to you when I am exhausted. Remind me of who you are, and who I am because of you. Thank you, Lord, that you are good. Thank you that you are as near to us on our best days as you are on our worst. Help me to sing your praise in the good and the bad. Remind me that you are my strength when I am weak. You are the source of my help and my hope. Thank you for placing me in circumstances that are beyond what I can handle apart from you because when I follow you I find the way, the truth, and the life. Please fill me with a patience that extends beyond midnight and a deep love for Isaac. God, will you continue to shape me and mold me to be what he needs and help me to always point him toward the same hope that I have in You.
