Best

Another two weeks of radio silence. What I have come to appreciate is the truth that God can move mountains in the silence. While we were waiting on the wait list, God was helping a mother choose life for her unborn child. While we were updating our home study (again!), God had our social worker preparing paperwork for Simon. While we prepared our home for Simon, God was preparing Uncle Eric's heart for a life changing decision. So hearing nothing no longer means that nothing is happening.

In the meantime I have been reflecting on all the times I had 'good' or 'better' and God wiped it out to bring what was 'best.' In college I dated a guy that met every one of my criteria for a husband (it was a really, REALLY long list). It was good. We had everything going for us and then without explanation it ended. I remember being confused and disappointed but not sad because I trusted God that it ended for a reason even if I didn't know the reason and that God would only bring me better. Two months later I reconnected with Billy Kamps. Clearly God's best!

During our first year of marriage Bill and I made an offer on a house on Locust Ave. It was adorable and move in ready with new appliances, carpet, etc. It was good. Our offer was denied. A few weeks later we were under contract for a house on Wood Street. It had a ton of character and a great location. It was better. It also had corrupt owners. We walked away confused and disappointed but trusting that somehow there was something else out there for us. Not even a week later we made an offer on a run down, beat up, ugly house on West Union Street. We nick named it "The Promised Land" (long story, good story ask me to tell you sometime). There was nothing about it that made it the obvious choice but we felt God asking us to take a leap of faith. After a little elbow grease (and a lot of help from Bill's dad) there is no doubt that this house is God's best for us. In no way the easiest but absolutely the best.

So as I sit and think back on all the ways that Simon is so perfect for our family, I wrestle. The more I get to know about him, the more I feel like Simon is the best fit for our family. However, I realize I am still in the middle of the story and that often means that my perspective is distorted. What I have learned from my past is that I can trust God's plan. It's either Simon or it's not, but it will absolutely be God's best for us (even if we were confused and disappointed at first). I would not change a thing about how God has authored my story thus far and I am not about to pick up the pen and start writing it on my own. I continue to trust the one who can see the completed picture before it's even begun.

What really brings joy to my heart through all this though is that God took a little boy who was unwanted and he managed to put before him not one, but two possibilities for an incredible future. He really is a God that makes something out of nothing. Simon Peter, this much is sure...you are loved by God and your future is bright. I still ask God everyday if I can be your mom forever and I thank him for every single moment I've gotten to love you thus far. Not a second has been wasted and when we all look back one day it will be clear...it will be God's BEST!

So There is This Tree...

So there is this tree that we drive past all the time. Cara calls it "Silly Tree". With good reason because it is growing out of a chimney!

Yesterday I was out on a walk with Reeses and I saw this tree as much more than silly. It's probably because I spent the morning studying the story of Joseph (you know the guy with the coat) and how he was thrown into a deep dark pit, beaten, sold into slavery, falsely accused, etc. This guy knew what it was like to hit rock bottom but he also knew what it was like to hold onto a dream and rise out of the pit.

So I started thinking about this tree. It grows out of the chimney of an old abandoned building near Burlington City's riverfront. It's been there for at least as long as we've lived here, but probably much longer. Think about how this tree started. As a seed eaten by a bird and then literally (pardon my french) crapped out into a deep, dark, narrow, hole with no sunlight, water or soil with which to grow. Everyone knows that seeds need light, water and and a fertile place to grow. Not this seed. I can just picture it there in the darkness of the chimney covered in #2. Yet something inside it willed it to grow. So it took the #2 in it's life because it's all that it had and it used that to start growing. It stretched and it grew and it clawed it's way up to the sunlight and held on for dear life. I wonder how many days it felt starved for water? How many times it nearly dried up before an unyielding flood of rain nearly knocked it back down? I wonder how many years it was before it's branches peaked out above the edge of the chimney? This tree has survived harsh winters and every year it returns. It rose up out of the pit and now it has the best seat in the house for every sunset along the river. And the sunsets are breathtaking. 

So maybe we take a hint from this tree. Maybe we take our unfortunate circumstances and the #2 in our lives and we look up toward God instead of down in self pitty. Maybe we hang on tight and seek God with everything we have because it's all a part of the plan and one day we'll have the best seat in the house.

"Silly Tree" is not so silly anymore.

Buying Hope

So what do you do when the rug has been pulled out from underneath you and you're laying on the floor and you don't even want to get back up again?

 

You cry out to Jesus. You cling to all the things you know to be true and you wait to hear his voice.

 

Surviving last week is up there with one of the hardest things I've ever had to do. I joke that September 3rd and 4th are dead to me. They are days I'd rather not relive again. (Although I know looking back I'll be willing to do it all again for the benefit of my family).

 

On Thursday my Aunt called and offered to pay my way to attend the Women of Faith conference that happened to be coming to Philadelphia over the weekend. The timing could not have been better. I humbly accepted her offer even though I couldn't find anyone to go with me. I needed to curl up in the lap of my creator and cry. My heart was broken and although I wanted to continue, it was hard to bounce back.

 

I texted this to a friend checking in with me that day:

 

"The short version is: when I focus on what I wanted for my family I am just a broken mess but when I remember that God is using us for something bigger than ourselves I have peace. I am happy for Simon and Sad for Cara. I am trusting that God will be with both of them to guide them through this uncertain time (which is really hard)."

 

One of the things people don't realize when it comes to faith is that much like Noah had to spend time building the ark (in the desert!) before he ever even saw a drop of rain, you have to prepare for the storms of life BEFORE they happen so that you have the strength to carry on. If you try to build an ark after the floods start raging you're going to end up on the bottom of the ocean, fast.

 

I also found myself being reminded that the wisdom of God often seems like foolishness to us because we don't see the bigger picture. Bill and I had started out following a call to love and care for orphans. Helping Simon find his Uncle falls into that category, even if it wasn't how we thought the story would end.

 

All this to say that I was doing my best to wrap my head around my present circumstances and stay focused all the while trying to avoid being overcome by the flood of emotions in my life. Every hug from a friend brings tears to the edges of my eyes. This is hard.

 

So Saturday I prepared to go to the conference and just soak up God's goodness and praise Him in the storm. Prepared with an entire box of Kleenex I have to laugh because I didn't even cry once (although I did spill my hot chocolate so I was thankful to have something to clean up with ;) )

 

The message of the conference was "Believe God can do Anything."

The second speaker was an author I have always loved and his message was "You Will Get Through This."

 

He said exactly: "You'll get through this. It won't be painless. It won't be quick. But God will use this mess for good. In the meantime, don't be foolish or naive. But don't despair either. With God's help you will get through this." He then went on to explain how it is possible to walk through life's darkest times with God and how to avoid falling into depression when it seems like the easier option.

 

Are you starting to see how awesome it was that I went to this conference?

 

After break the next speaker got up and preached through Simon Peters life. (my Simon's name is Simon Peter) I kept waiting for it to upset me to hear his name over and over again, but the message of his life throughout scripture is beautiful. I was comforted.

 

The day continued from there with speakers that had lost children, were in the process of adoption and had looked at the circumstances of their life and been frustrated with God. I left feeling refreshed and renewed but still not knowing what was next for us (spoiler alert...I still don't know what I'm supposed to do with all this time on my hands...hence this blog).

 

[The day also ended with great friends and free ice cream. God was speaking my love language!]

 

So why did I title this "Buying Hope"? I didn't buy it at the conference...I bought it at Petsmart :)

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Meet Hope.

 

 

I was lonely on Monday and I thought having something beautiful around might help. Fish are cheap and I find them peaceful. We were also out of turtle food so a trip to Petsmart seemed like a good idea. When the sun hits him his scales shine a beautiful emerald green and blue. The small streaks of red on his fins are often hidden but they remind me that sometimes the most beautiful things in life have a little red (pain) weaved in but it only reveals that we are strongest in our broken places. So now my job is to keep "hope" alive both metaphorically and physically. 

What are the Odds?

What are the odds that the adoption would fall through on Cara's first day of preschool?

 Apparently good.

We just enjoyed some family time away at a beach house that my parents rented for the week. Right before we left Cara had a playdate with several of her church friends and it was very hard for me to watch all of the kids play with their siblings and see Cara there alone. I'm not entirely sure she notices that she's the only kid without a sibling, but I do.

We packed the car for vacation and I asked God to help me be present during our time away. I had been feeling like life was happening in a fog ever since the phone rang and we were told to "be prepared." God answered that prayer and I was even able to leave the cell phone back at the house while we splashed in the waves with Cara. It was a wonderful vacation.

The Saturday before we were to head home Bill took me out for cheese and chocolate at The Melting Pot (cheese and chocolate are basically my two main food groups so this restaurant is high up on my list of best food ever). As much as I wanted to, I couldn't keep it together. I (unsuccessfully) held back tears the entire night. Our trip home meant that Cara would be starting preschool the next day and we still had no word on Simon. When we knew Simon was coming home it made sense to enroll Cara in preschool this year so she would have something consistent and special to get her through the rollercoaster that would become our adoptive home life. Now, it felt like I was losing her. In my heart I felt the door to Simon was closing and life was beginning to make less and less sense.

I had also gotten news of the death of a good friend while we were away (age 33, a two year old and a baby on the way...absolutely tragic). As we got in the car to drive away from the beach vacation faded and life started to hit me. My heart was breaking and all I could do was let it.

I actually survived the first day of school adventure (and by survived I mean I only cried when I was alone and no one could see). Cara absolutely loved it and it was wonderful to get to explore her classroom with her.

It was after school that the day got impossible. We had a few errands to run and I needed to stop by my friend Michelle's house to plan out our upcoming year with the youth group. Thank God we decided to go to Michelle's first. I was there about 5 min when the phone rang. Michelle took Cara and I sat down for what was next. It was Lisa, our social worker, calling to fill me in on an email she has received from Alice, the lawyer. It seems Alice had several meetings with Simon's mom and members of the paternal family. Again I need to be careful to keep Simon's story his own and not share too many personal family details. The short version of the story is that Simon has an Uncle Eric and pending a look into Uncle Eric's life, it looks like Simon will go to live with him.

 

Our prayer has always been about what would be best for Simon and living in Uganda near his biological family will be good for him. We started this journey not because we needed a kid but because there were kids that need homes and Simon has found his in Uganda.

 

That being said the news is crushing for me. Two months is not nearly enough time to give all the love that is in a mother's heart. I will continue to love and pray for Simon even if I never see his face.

 

The hardest thing will be telling Cara. This news means a lot more waiting. The kids currently at the orphanage need a minimum of six more months to process things before they can be matched with families. Cara is so in love with Simon. She talks about him constantly. She spent the week on vacation taking care of her cousin Charlotte (one month younger than Simon) and you could tell she was working on her big sister skills. Cara is a born nurturer. She is the first to stop and help someone else in need and she loves teaching others how to do things. This news will break her heart and knowing that makes it impossible for me to bear.

 

The second hardest thing is that Cara is in preschool now. I am left adrift without a clear plan for what comes next. If the news had come even a few days sooner we would have talked with her about staying home with Mom for another year. I am angry with God about the timing of it all. I feel like I lost both of my kids on the same day. (I realize that isn't true but it's how I feel at the moment).

 

It is hard looking back and seeing how perfectly Simon fit into our lives. His age, the timeline of it all, the way the only date on our calendar without an event on it was the day he was born...I wrote it all down in permanent marker right through the middle of our lives..."Simon was born", "We got a referral", "fingerprints for Simon", "Simon Says Sing"...

 

I'm glad I can't erase it because he really was a part of our family for this past year/summer. I have more love in my heart for him than I can give. Many blog posts ago I shared a song about how we give all of our hearts to our kids even if it's not enough to keep them with us, they deserve all of us. Simon got that from us. He will always be loved.

 

We are allowed to write a letter to the family. I don't expect it to change their mind (but it could!) but I do want them to know how much God loves Simon and to thank them for letting us be a way to show Simon that God would sooner build families across oceans than have him grow up alone.

 

So as I sit here drowning in an ocean of grief I am reminded that Simon was the disciple that got out of the boat and trusted Jesus in the midst of a terrifying storm. So take my hand Jesus because I am out of the boat and I have no idea what my next step should be.