Echo

The holidays are wonderful for a lot of reasons. One of my favorites is that my college students come back for an extended break and I get to hear all about their adventures of becoming an adult.

Yesterday I was driving with one of my alumni and she said, "I'm so sorry you guys have had to go through all of this. I have been wanting to write to you but I never know what to say." I reassured her that even in the midst of post traumatic stress or whatever this is, that we always fall back on our faith and the original author of this story. I sound like a broken record but, this was never about us.

The grief is very real though. I finally came up with a metaphor that made some sense to me. I feel like I am living life with a big hollow echo. The more wonderful the family moment, the louder the echo is that Simon is missing.

This past weekend we hosted all of our family to celebrate Caraline's 4th birthday. My niece, Charlotte, was there and she is one month younger than Simon. If you could see love in a real form you would be blinded by the love between Cara and Charlotte. It's intoxicating. Eyes glowing, shreeks of joy followed by endless laughter...

Then there is the echo. If Simon were here Cara could have days like this all the time. She would always have someone to seek or tag or get mad at when they touch her toys. It's just a quite tug on my heart that longs for what could have been.

I'm sure it's normal. I'm sure it's not healthy. I don't know if it will ever pass.

I know he was never legally ours, but knowing he is out there is hard. It's different than loosing my grandmother and wishing she were still here to see them play because he isn't gone, he's just not...here.
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Meanwhile the updates from Uganda are still worth praise. They have been working to construct a new babies home that will have a medical clinic and other great things for the kids. It will mean owning vs. renting and a lot more room for more orphans. It's now 65% done.

They have also nearly finished finding churches or businesses who will agree to cover one month's rent each year for the home. This means soon they will be fully funded on a regular basis and that looming wonder about if there will be enough will be gone.

I asked about Simon. We're pretty sure he is still at the orphange. He was when Lisa traveled in November. They promised to update me after the first of the year. I know he doesn't know what Christmas is and that he has no idea about the traditions. It will be an ordinary day and he will be happy. It is just the enemy on my end taunting me to think about what is missing. It is a constant pulling to focus on what isn't instead of what is. "Do not be overcome by evil, but overcome evil with good." Romans 12:21 I am doing as many acts of kindness and generosity as I can this holiday. Forcing myself to bring as much good as I can.

This past Sunday we talked about the gift of presence vs presents. I know that Simon is surrounded by God's presence (even if he doesn't yet understand). My prayer is that he will feel that love surround him this holiday season.

My broken heart has been landing in Romans 12 for the past week or so:

9 Love must be sincere. Hate what is evil; cling to what is good. 10 Be devoted to one another in love. Honor one another above yourselves. 11 Never be lacking in zeal, but keep your spiritual fervor, serving the Lord. 12 Be joyful in hope, patient in affliction, faithful in prayer. 13 Share with the Lord’s people who are in need. Practice hospitality.

14 Bless those who persecute you; bless and do not curse. 15 Rejoice with those who rejoice; mourn with those who mourn. 16 Live in harmony with one another. Do not be proud, but be willing to associate with people of low position.[a] Do not be conceited.

17 Do not repay anyone evil for evil. Be careful to do what is right in the eyes of everyone.18 If it is possible, as far as it depends on you, live at peace with everyone. 

I am trying to be sincere. To cling to what is good. I am trying to be joyful and patient. To live out all the things in this verse by the strength of the one who promises to equip me for every good work.

I need to be honest and say that it's not working, but that doesn't mean it's wrong. I find comfort in the strength behind this passage. There is a time to mourn loss. It's ok that I'm broken. 

I think that sometimes this blog freaks people out because they don't know how to react to my brokeness. If that is you, please know that you don't have to feel awkward. Just give me a hug and a little grace for the moment. God never said it would be easy, he only said I'd never have to walk this road alone.

There is a little one out there for us. In the meantime, we wait for God to show us the next step. Waiting sucks, but it usually means that something is coming. So I choose to wait expectantly. :)

An honest look at this Thanksgiving

There is a pumpkin on my porch that has the words "Happy Thanksgiving" beautifully caligraphied on the front. What isn't as easily seen is that the pumpkin is slowly rotting from the inside out. The only evidence is a small black spot on the back that gets slightly larger each day. I don't know if it will make it to thanksgiving. Some days I am not so sure I will either.

Everyday I am tempted to cross out the word "Happy" and let the whole world in on the secret that I am hiding. This Thanksgiving doesn't feel 'happy'. I am battling the lie that this somehow makes me a bad Christian. Everyday I talk myself out of crossing out the 'happy' because the pumpkin is pretty and ruining that won't help anyone understand.

I will be thankful this Thanksgiving. Of course I will. I only need to sneak a peak into the next room to see that sweet little face and recall a million reasons to be thankful. I only need to set foot in my husbands school to be proud of the huge impact he is making there and know that God has blessed me richly with a man I can both love and respect. Five minutes on the phone with my Mom or a quick text from a friend and the list gets longer. There is so much to be thankful for...

And then the black spot on my pumpkin grows bigger. I think of Thanksgiving and the wound in my heart is fresh again. My mother-in-law can be found saying at almost every birthday and holiday "I am just so thankful all my kids are here!" She looks around the table and her heart is full. I look around the table and I see an empty chair.

My pumpkin is rotting with the word "happy" on the front. I don't know if that metaphore will make as much sense to you as it does to me.

The news from Uganda is not good. Things in the country are changing and international adoption might not be an option, at least for a while. There are two children who MIGHT make it out before the freeze but both children are wildly outside the boundaries we set for this adoption. Under normal circumstances we would never have even been told they exist (you are only ever referred a child that fits within the extensive parameters you set in your dossier paperwork).

We don't know what God would have us do next. We sit at His throne fully surrendered.

In the meantime I ache. I still wish we were in Uganda and not making holiday pies. Another mother said it perfectly tonight and I tried to copy and paste it here but technology got in the way. If you got here via Facebook I shared this mothers comment on our wall. Please go read it. She understands.

It is not that there isn't joy. It is not that there isn't peace. It is not that there isn't thankfulness this holiday. It is just that every heartwarming moment is ever so slightly altered by the fact that someone is missing it. I long to share my birthdays and holidays with a full table.

Even if it never happens this side of Heaven I know that God is in control and I have an eternity of celebrating to do with every orphan that ever needed a Momma.

I know that my broken heart comes from God, that might sound like He is mean. It has nothing to do with my circumstances or my pumpkin. God has broken my heart for these orphans. He has allowed me to see the world through His eyes and I can't unsee it.

I know that God will sustain me. I know that He is with me. I trust His plan. He wouldn't place such a burden on me and not use it for good.

In the meantime please pray for our family as you share your reasons to be thankful this holiday. Thanks.

Case Closed

If only you could truly be inside my head. You would surely laugh. At times I feel like David looking at Goliath and knowing I have the God given ability to knock him down and I am just waiting for someone to say "go!" so I can sling this rock and get on with what needs to be done. What I wouldn't give to cut off the enemy's head about now.

At times I feel like Moses standing before Pharaoh begging him to let my people go.

At times I'm just myself kicking and screaming, jumping and cheering because I know that God is bigger than all power and authority and it doesn't matter what laws are in place, God could bring Simon home.

But sometimes the answer is just no. Sometimes we aren't meant to sling the rock or release a billion frogs on our enemy. Sometimes the social worker calls and says the lawyer has officially closed the case. Not that we walk away from the challenge or that we give up on the fight but if the officials call the game you don't keep playing. You stop, rest, wait and train for the next round.

So today I took Simon's picture off the wall and placed it in my bible where I will always be reminded to pray for him as he grows up. Then I finally went into Cara's room and hung his star near hers so that in some way they will always be together. I changed the picture on my phone from his precious little feet to one of my beautiful Caraline making me so proud at school.

Today I said"goodbye" instead of "see you soon."

A week ago today I was reminded by a good friend that I have been blessed beyond measure. She challenged me to treasure the details of my life now. What an incredible gift it is to stop and treasure the details of your life. I have absolutely nothing to be sad about and so much worth being thankful for, including Simon.

So while this news is always hard to process, I am thankful for the closure. I am thankful for a chance to go back on the waiting list and have an opportunity to be used in another child's life. Above everything else...today I am thankful.

You Can Learn a Lot From Your Purse

So this morning Cara and I were in a mad dash to avoid being stuck behind the recycle truck. It rumbled down our street threatening to make us late for preschool. We were up early today and actually ready to sprint out the door when I couldn't find my keys (I mean really, who is surprised?) In an effort to move quickly I dumped the entire contents of my purse onto the couch.

Laughing all the way we dashed to the car and buckled up "fast, fast, fast" to beat the truck. Victory! We snuck out just in time.

As I came back home I walked past the pile of my purse contents on the couch. I found some trash, a few wrinkled receipts from past purchases, half an acorn (Cara loves to collect things from nature), sunglasses, a sunscreen stick, a princess necklace, a spoon, a library card, hand sanitizer and a pen. I looked at the pile on this rainy day and thought how useless the sunglasses would be today. Then I looked at the sunscreen and thought that I should probably put that back in our bag of summer things, it was silly to hold onto it now. As I cleaned up the princess necklace, spoon and acorn I was reminded of all the amazing things I learn from my daughter everyday. The library card and receipts reminded me of the places I had traveled this week. All in all it wasn't too much of a mess (I've definitely seen worse) but I laughed at how much I was carrying around with me that I didn't need to.

I was struck at what a neat metaphor this was for our hearts and how we really could really benefit from dumping ourselves out before God and letting go of the things we aren't meant to carry. I thought about how beautiful it would be to get on my knees before God and empty myself at his throne. So of course my next move was to do the dishes. Sometimes when wisdom hits it takes a few seconds to sink in.

With the sink clean I caught up on some text messages with people I had been meaning to connect with and a few quick emails. Then, it hit me like big truck rumbling down the street, my heart quickly becoming overwhelmed. Like the recycle truck I saw it coming and I knew I needed to be prepared. As my eyes welled up my knees bent. In the back room surrounded by tiny tables and a toy kitchen I dumped my heart out before God. "I trust you" was the only thing I manged to say out loud before the tears came. Life is changing seasons but I'm still holding onto the sunscreen. I am unable to close the door on this little boy who invaded my heart and found a permanent home there. So I just cried silently to Jesus about the places where my heart aches and I spoke aloud his promises to never leave me. I let my mascara run as I confessed all the things in my life that I felt were unfair; all the children that have come into our friends and families lives while we wait patiently for Ugi to come home and all the things we put on hold because we might travel soon. I confessed my jealously and my selfish plans. I thanked God for the opportunities before me but confessed that I'd rather be in Africa. None of this was new to him but it felt good to dump it all out and sort through the mess.

The funny thing of it all is that my keys were never in my purse to begin with. I found them on the kitchen counter after I dumped my entire purse out on the couch. It was the same with my hope. I had momentarily misplaced it but that was the catalyst I needed to turn my heart to God today and seek His strength to carry on. Just like my keys, I found my hope and the vision for my life right where I had left them, at the feet of Jesus.

Best

Another two weeks of radio silence. What I have come to appreciate is the truth that God can move mountains in the silence. While we were waiting on the wait list, God was helping a mother choose life for her unborn child. While we were updating our home study (again!), God had our social worker preparing paperwork for Simon. While we prepared our home for Simon, God was preparing Uncle Eric's heart for a life changing decision. So hearing nothing no longer means that nothing is happening.

In the meantime I have been reflecting on all the times I had 'good' or 'better' and God wiped it out to bring what was 'best.' In college I dated a guy that met every one of my criteria for a husband (it was a really, REALLY long list). It was good. We had everything going for us and then without explanation it ended. I remember being confused and disappointed but not sad because I trusted God that it ended for a reason even if I didn't know the reason and that God would only bring me better. Two months later I reconnected with Billy Kamps. Clearly God's best!

During our first year of marriage Bill and I made an offer on a house on Locust Ave. It was adorable and move in ready with new appliances, carpet, etc. It was good. Our offer was denied. A few weeks later we were under contract for a house on Wood Street. It had a ton of character and a great location. It was better. It also had corrupt owners. We walked away confused and disappointed but trusting that somehow there was something else out there for us. Not even a week later we made an offer on a run down, beat up, ugly house on West Union Street. We nick named it "The Promised Land" (long story, good story ask me to tell you sometime). There was nothing about it that made it the obvious choice but we felt God asking us to take a leap of faith. After a little elbow grease (and a lot of help from Bill's dad) there is no doubt that this house is God's best for us. In no way the easiest but absolutely the best.

So as I sit and think back on all the ways that Simon is so perfect for our family, I wrestle. The more I get to know about him, the more I feel like Simon is the best fit for our family. However, I realize I am still in the middle of the story and that often means that my perspective is distorted. What I have learned from my past is that I can trust God's plan. It's either Simon or it's not, but it will absolutely be God's best for us (even if we were confused and disappointed at first). I would not change a thing about how God has authored my story thus far and I am not about to pick up the pen and start writing it on my own. I continue to trust the one who can see the completed picture before it's even begun.

What really brings joy to my heart through all this though is that God took a little boy who was unwanted and he managed to put before him not one, but two possibilities for an incredible future. He really is a God that makes something out of nothing. Simon Peter, this much is sure...you are loved by God and your future is bright. I still ask God everyday if I can be your mom forever and I thank him for every single moment I've gotten to love you thus far. Not a second has been wasted and when we all look back one day it will be clear...it will be God's BEST!

So There is This Tree...

So there is this tree that we drive past all the time. Cara calls it "Silly Tree". With good reason because it is growing out of a chimney!

Yesterday I was out on a walk with Reeses and I saw this tree as much more than silly. It's probably because I spent the morning studying the story of Joseph (you know the guy with the coat) and how he was thrown into a deep dark pit, beaten, sold into slavery, falsely accused, etc. This guy knew what it was like to hit rock bottom but he also knew what it was like to hold onto a dream and rise out of the pit.

So I started thinking about this tree. It grows out of the chimney of an old abandoned building near Burlington City's riverfront. It's been there for at least as long as we've lived here, but probably much longer. Think about how this tree started. As a seed eaten by a bird and then literally (pardon my french) crapped out into a deep, dark, narrow, hole with no sunlight, water or soil with which to grow. Everyone knows that seeds need light, water and and a fertile place to grow. Not this seed. I can just picture it there in the darkness of the chimney covered in #2. Yet something inside it willed it to grow. So it took the #2 in it's life because it's all that it had and it used that to start growing. It stretched and it grew and it clawed it's way up to the sunlight and held on for dear life. I wonder how many days it felt starved for water? How many times it nearly dried up before an unyielding flood of rain nearly knocked it back down? I wonder how many years it was before it's branches peaked out above the edge of the chimney? This tree has survived harsh winters and every year it returns. It rose up out of the pit and now it has the best seat in the house for every sunset along the river. And the sunsets are breathtaking. 

So maybe we take a hint from this tree. Maybe we take our unfortunate circumstances and the #2 in our lives and we look up toward God instead of down in self pitty. Maybe we hang on tight and seek God with everything we have because it's all a part of the plan and one day we'll have the best seat in the house.

"Silly Tree" is not so silly anymore.

Buying Hope

So what do you do when the rug has been pulled out from underneath you and you're laying on the floor and you don't even want to get back up again?

 

You cry out to Jesus. You cling to all the things you know to be true and you wait to hear his voice.

 

Surviving last week is up there with one of the hardest things I've ever had to do. I joke that September 3rd and 4th are dead to me. They are days I'd rather not relive again. (Although I know looking back I'll be willing to do it all again for the benefit of my family).

 

On Thursday my Aunt called and offered to pay my way to attend the Women of Faith conference that happened to be coming to Philadelphia over the weekend. The timing could not have been better. I humbly accepted her offer even though I couldn't find anyone to go with me. I needed to curl up in the lap of my creator and cry. My heart was broken and although I wanted to continue, it was hard to bounce back.

 

I texted this to a friend checking in with me that day:

 

"The short version is: when I focus on what I wanted for my family I am just a broken mess but when I remember that God is using us for something bigger than ourselves I have peace. I am happy for Simon and Sad for Cara. I am trusting that God will be with both of them to guide them through this uncertain time (which is really hard)."

 

One of the things people don't realize when it comes to faith is that much like Noah had to spend time building the ark (in the desert!) before he ever even saw a drop of rain, you have to prepare for the storms of life BEFORE they happen so that you have the strength to carry on. If you try to build an ark after the floods start raging you're going to end up on the bottom of the ocean, fast.

 

I also found myself being reminded that the wisdom of God often seems like foolishness to us because we don't see the bigger picture. Bill and I had started out following a call to love and care for orphans. Helping Simon find his Uncle falls into that category, even if it wasn't how we thought the story would end.

 

All this to say that I was doing my best to wrap my head around my present circumstances and stay focused all the while trying to avoid being overcome by the flood of emotions in my life. Every hug from a friend brings tears to the edges of my eyes. This is hard.

 

So Saturday I prepared to go to the conference and just soak up God's goodness and praise Him in the storm. Prepared with an entire box of Kleenex I have to laugh because I didn't even cry once (although I did spill my hot chocolate so I was thankful to have something to clean up with ;) )

 

The message of the conference was "Believe God can do Anything."

The second speaker was an author I have always loved and his message was "You Will Get Through This."

 

He said exactly: "You'll get through this. It won't be painless. It won't be quick. But God will use this mess for good. In the meantime, don't be foolish or naive. But don't despair either. With God's help you will get through this." He then went on to explain how it is possible to walk through life's darkest times with God and how to avoid falling into depression when it seems like the easier option.

 

Are you starting to see how awesome it was that I went to this conference?

 

After break the next speaker got up and preached through Simon Peters life. (my Simon's name is Simon Peter) I kept waiting for it to upset me to hear his name over and over again, but the message of his life throughout scripture is beautiful. I was comforted.

 

The day continued from there with speakers that had lost children, were in the process of adoption and had looked at the circumstances of their life and been frustrated with God. I left feeling refreshed and renewed but still not knowing what was next for us (spoiler alert...I still don't know what I'm supposed to do with all this time on my hands...hence this blog).

 

[The day also ended with great friends and free ice cream. God was speaking my love language!]

 

So why did I title this "Buying Hope"? I didn't buy it at the conference...I bought it at Petsmart :)

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Meet Hope.

 

 

I was lonely on Monday and I thought having something beautiful around might help. Fish are cheap and I find them peaceful. We were also out of turtle food so a trip to Petsmart seemed like a good idea. When the sun hits him his scales shine a beautiful emerald green and blue. The small streaks of red on his fins are often hidden but they remind me that sometimes the most beautiful things in life have a little red (pain) weaved in but it only reveals that we are strongest in our broken places. So now my job is to keep "hope" alive both metaphorically and physically. 

What are the Odds?

What are the odds that the adoption would fall through on Cara's first day of preschool?

 Apparently good.

We just enjoyed some family time away at a beach house that my parents rented for the week. Right before we left Cara had a playdate with several of her church friends and it was very hard for me to watch all of the kids play with their siblings and see Cara there alone. I'm not entirely sure she notices that she's the only kid without a sibling, but I do.

We packed the car for vacation and I asked God to help me be present during our time away. I had been feeling like life was happening in a fog ever since the phone rang and we were told to "be prepared." God answered that prayer and I was even able to leave the cell phone back at the house while we splashed in the waves with Cara. It was a wonderful vacation.

The Saturday before we were to head home Bill took me out for cheese and chocolate at The Melting Pot (cheese and chocolate are basically my two main food groups so this restaurant is high up on my list of best food ever). As much as I wanted to, I couldn't keep it together. I (unsuccessfully) held back tears the entire night. Our trip home meant that Cara would be starting preschool the next day and we still had no word on Simon. When we knew Simon was coming home it made sense to enroll Cara in preschool this year so she would have something consistent and special to get her through the rollercoaster that would become our adoptive home life. Now, it felt like I was losing her. In my heart I felt the door to Simon was closing and life was beginning to make less and less sense.

I had also gotten news of the death of a good friend while we were away (age 33, a two year old and a baby on the way...absolutely tragic). As we got in the car to drive away from the beach vacation faded and life started to hit me. My heart was breaking and all I could do was let it.

I actually survived the first day of school adventure (and by survived I mean I only cried when I was alone and no one could see). Cara absolutely loved it and it was wonderful to get to explore her classroom with her.

It was after school that the day got impossible. We had a few errands to run and I needed to stop by my friend Michelle's house to plan out our upcoming year with the youth group. Thank God we decided to go to Michelle's first. I was there about 5 min when the phone rang. Michelle took Cara and I sat down for what was next. It was Lisa, our social worker, calling to fill me in on an email she has received from Alice, the lawyer. It seems Alice had several meetings with Simon's mom and members of the paternal family. Again I need to be careful to keep Simon's story his own and not share too many personal family details. The short version of the story is that Simon has an Uncle Eric and pending a look into Uncle Eric's life, it looks like Simon will go to live with him.

 

Our prayer has always been about what would be best for Simon and living in Uganda near his biological family will be good for him. We started this journey not because we needed a kid but because there were kids that need homes and Simon has found his in Uganda.

 

That being said the news is crushing for me. Two months is not nearly enough time to give all the love that is in a mother's heart. I will continue to love and pray for Simon even if I never see his face.

 

The hardest thing will be telling Cara. This news means a lot more waiting. The kids currently at the orphanage need a minimum of six more months to process things before they can be matched with families. Cara is so in love with Simon. She talks about him constantly. She spent the week on vacation taking care of her cousin Charlotte (one month younger than Simon) and you could tell she was working on her big sister skills. Cara is a born nurturer. She is the first to stop and help someone else in need and she loves teaching others how to do things. This news will break her heart and knowing that makes it impossible for me to bear.

 

The second hardest thing is that Cara is in preschool now. I am left adrift without a clear plan for what comes next. If the news had come even a few days sooner we would have talked with her about staying home with Mom for another year. I am angry with God about the timing of it all. I feel like I lost both of my kids on the same day. (I realize that isn't true but it's how I feel at the moment).

 

It is hard looking back and seeing how perfectly Simon fit into our lives. His age, the timeline of it all, the way the only date on our calendar without an event on it was the day he was born...I wrote it all down in permanent marker right through the middle of our lives..."Simon was born", "We got a referral", "fingerprints for Simon", "Simon Says Sing"...

 

I'm glad I can't erase it because he really was a part of our family for this past year/summer. I have more love in my heart for him than I can give. Many blog posts ago I shared a song about how we give all of our hearts to our kids even if it's not enough to keep them with us, they deserve all of us. Simon got that from us. He will always be loved.

 

We are allowed to write a letter to the family. I don't expect it to change their mind (but it could!) but I do want them to know how much God loves Simon and to thank them for letting us be a way to show Simon that God would sooner build families across oceans than have him grow up alone.

 

So as I sit here drowning in an ocean of grief I am reminded that Simon was the disciple that got out of the boat and trusted Jesus in the midst of a terrifying storm. So take my hand Jesus because I am out of the boat and I have no idea what my next step should be.

 

 

Just More Waiting.

It has been 8 days since the phone rang. "Prepare yourselves" she said. That was last Wednesday.

Even in the bad news I see God taking care of us. If there was ever a day to receive gut wrentching news, last Wednesday was a good day for it. I had already arranged for Cara to be with my mother for the day so that I could do all the final shopping for the cabaret. Bill was done work at 1:30pm (as opposed to Tuesday or Thursday where he worked 7am-10pm). We had already planned to take a long drive together up to Chester to pick up the Rocky Mountain Chocolate basket. It was as if God knew we would need this time and space to process.

Thursday was like the eye of the storm. When Lisa (our social worker) had called Wednesday morning I was too shocked to ask logical questions. She said she was going to make calls, I didn't even ask who they would be calling. However, we made the decision not to ask any more questions until the phone rang on Friday. It wouldn't change the outcome. We decided just to rest in God's peace and trust that everyone was doing everything they could. We experienced peace while we waited.

Friday was they day they were calling back. I had no idea what time. Bill was working a long day and then we were all meeting up at Destiny Arts to set up for Saturday's fundraiser. Bill had decided to fast for the day and he took a long walk by the river and talked to God during his lunch break.
He sent me this video http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=dbNK50T35wY of Chris Tomlin's song "I Lift My Hands".

My neighbor, Val, was incredible. She took Cara in the morning so I could finish up some things for the cabaret. A few hours later the girls came to play at my house which was a great distraction and Val stayed to keep me company. As it got closer to noon I knew that meant the end of the day in Uganda (they are 6 hours ahead). I checked my phone every 10 seconds. Val invited us to join them on a trip to run errands and perhaps stop by a Chick-fila. It was a great distraction. By 2pm the knot in my stomach was nearly unbearable but somehow there was still peace in my heart.

It was around 2pm that people started texting "any news?"....nothing. Cara went down for her nap and I waited for the phone to ring. A good friend stopped by to drop off a needed item and she had been fasting for us as well.

Eventually it was time to start packing up all the baskets for the fundraiser. One of my college students had brought her van and we were halfway done when the phone rang. I passed Cara off to her and went on the back deck to answer the call. "We haven't heard from Uganda but I didn't want you to wait any longer."  It wasn't good news but it wasn't a closed door either. Just more waiting.

I was able to talk with Lisa and ask some of the questions I was unable to form two days before. Most of my questions she didn't have answers for but she did share with me two things that gave us the hope we needed to get through the weekend. I don't feel comfortable sharing them here because they are pieces of Simon's story for him to learn when he is ready, but I felt much more hopeful when I hung up the phone on Friday.

The cabaret on Saturday was amazing. We enjoyed a day hanging out with good friends and they put on a remarkable performance that night. It was wonderful to watch everyone participate in the raffle and to see people win the items they had been hoping for. What an incredible gift it was for us to still be able to give during a time of our own greatest need. (More on the cabaret as we get photos up)

Monday an email came by 1pm. No news.
Tuesday I checked in...still nothing.

Wednesday, one week after the phone first rang, I got an email from Lisa saying that Ken (the orphanage director) and Alice (our lawyer) had talked. Simon's mother had told them the exact opposite information. Apparently this is not unusual because people become very nervous around lawyers. Lisa told me that Ken was setting up a meeting with Alice and Simon's mom so that the three of them could get the truth out. She has no idea when this meeting will take place.

In Lisa's words "it's not good news or bad news, just more waiting."

Please continue to pray for Simon. My heart breaks for this little boy that (hopefully) has no idea the delicate web he is tangled in. I wish we had more details to share with you. Thank you for waiting with us.

The Next 48 Hours

When someone who has only ever emailed you over the past two years picks up the phone to call you at 9am exactly...you hold your breath.

Her voice was pleasant but her news was not. "We need you to be preparing yourselves..." I don't remember her exact words after that but what I heard was this. The next 48 hours are crucial. Cling to God and trust in his plan regardless of the outcome.

You see the Ugandan law requires a male relative to sign the form to relinquish parental rights. A mother cannot surrender a child for adoption by herself. Simon's father is dead. Apparently they have not been able to find another male relative to sign for Simon in his father's absence. If the lawyer is unable to find someone to sign for him by Friday they will encourage us to let him go. He'll be "unadoptable." After that they don't know quite what will happen to him. The orphanage can't keep him and no one wants him. They are going to "make some calls this week." And that is all we know.

But it's not really all we know because we know that God is good. We know that He has been going before us with every detail of this process. And we know that God is a father to the fatherless.

The next 48 hours are crucial. Please join us as we pray for Simon. As usual God blessed me with a song to be the words I can't find right now.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=c9pqTQQyZnE

"Carry Me"

I try to catch my breath
It hasn't happened yet
I'm wide awake in the middle of the night scared to death
So I prayed God, would You make this stop
Father please hold on to me, You're all I've got

Carry me, carry me, carry me now
From my sinking sand to Your solid ground
The only way I'm ever gonna make it out
Is if You carry me, carry me, carry me now
God carry me, carry me, carry me now

Jesus calm my heart
Come near me please
Lord don't let these worries get the best of me
Oh I believe, that You're still here with me
Cause You meant what You said when You said You'd never leave

Carry me, carry me, carry me now
From my sinking sand to Your solid ground
The only way I'm ever gonna make it out
Is if You carry me, carry me, carry me now
God carry me, carry me, carry me now

 I'm at the end of myself
I know I've got nothing left
Feels like I'm stuck in the valley of the shadow of death
And I've been down here so long
I just can't find my way out
Oh God I don't stand a chance
Unless You carry me now
God carry me now

 

Unexpected Blessing - You're going to want to read all the way to the end.

This past Saturday was our first fundraiser since we got matched with Simon. It's amazing how this process goes so slow and so fast at the same time. After years of waiting everything needs to happen over 4 months to finalize the adoption.

We had already talked about the kind of fundraisers we wanted to do but we hit road blocks as soon as we started putting the wheels in motion. Our very first fundraiser in 2011 was a pancake breakfast at the local Applebee's. It was such an incredible day for us to see all of our friends and family come out and support us. Applebee's went above and beyond and made the day so easy for us. However, this time around there were more qualifications as to who could host a breakfast and we were turned down (they also didn't have any openings until October and we needed to work fast).

After two weeks of phone calls to every church in the area that we had a connection to, I finally got a call from a church that was willing to open their doors to us. However the pastor spoke with such a thick accent that I wasn't really sure which church it was that said yes! LOL.

Our goal was to feed pancakes to at least 200 people (which is a lot of maple syrup!). A huge thanks to my parents who allowed us to fill their freezer with sausage and orange juice as I shopped every sale I could find :).

The afternoon before the breakfast I opened up my YouVersion app and the verse of the day was Acts 1:7-8

⁷ He said to them: “It is not for you to know the times or dates the Father has set by his own authority. ⁸ But you will receive power when the Holy Spirit comes on you; and you will be my witnesses in Jerusalem, and in all Judea and Samaria, and to the ends of the earth.”

This verse is Jesus speaking to the disciples right before he ascends to heaven.  He is answering their question about when God is going to restore Israel. (the next few verses always make me chuckle if you want to look them up. I think angels have a sense of humor).

However, what I heard God say to me as I looked over the passage was "Lauren, you don't always get to know the details but it doesn't mean I don't have a plan. I am with you on this journey and that is all you need to know in order to accomplish it." It also reminded me again that while this is an adoption, it's not about adding children to our family. It's about God's love for a little boy and how He is going to use that help people see how much He loves everyone.

So I went into Saturday not knowing the details but trusting God that if 1 or 1,000 walked through that door, that it would be exactly as the day was supposed to be.

As it turns out the number was a lot closer to 1 than 1,000. However, even when the room was almost empty, I felt the love of everyone that was there. It also happened to be my birthday and there was no greater gift that watching Simon's grandfathers work perfectly together to make all the food and seeing my extended family pour juice and visit with our friends as they came to the breakfast.

Afterward everyone was anxious to count the money and see how we did. I wasn't. I knew that there was not much there and that it might be a disappointing task. The remainder of the day was hard. Bill and I kept oscillating between being thankful for how smoothly the morning went, to remembering all the people that said they were coming that didn't make it. I'm going to be very transparent here, not to make anyone feel guilty, but to expose how easy it is to take a blessing from God and twist it into something less. There was a point in the day when I was alone in my car traveling from point A to point B and my thoughts went to all the times I had gone out of my way for others. All the times I had put my life on hold to make sure I was there for someone or to be available to serve. All the hours I had logged with individuals caring for them in their time of need or simply mentoring. Thankfully, I was wise enough to stop that spiraling thought pattern. Immediately I checked my heart with what I knew to be true. I don't serve to be served. There are no strings attached. It is not a give and take. I love others because God said "love one another" not because of how they treat me or what I can get out of it. I love others not because they 'earn' it but because it's the only way some of them will ever get to experience God's love, which by the way is UNCONDITIONAL. So why would I even think to put "coming to my pancake breakfast" as a condition for anything. With my heart back in the right place I stopped to think of all the people in that room that had better places to be. There were so many friends and family members, students and colleagues that we know will be a part of Simon's journey beyond bringing him home. I felt so loved.

Still it was awkward when people would ask, "Hey, how did it go?"  I tried to be honest but still share the overwhelming sense of love that we felt from the day. The finances would take care of themselves somehow but the message we got was that God was with us and so were the people most important to us :)

As the week went on we continued to be blessed by people who were not able to make it to the fundraiser. We even found out that one particular group that came to the breakfast (who I am sure would want to remain anonymous but they know who they are) intentionally paid double for each person to make sure Simon came home as fast as possible.

It wasn't until I checked the mail on Tuesday that I got the knock out blow that confirmed what I had been hearing all week. "We don't get to know the details but God is with us and that is enough."

I came home to an unexpected package. I recognized the return address as a local church but I wasn't expecting anything from them. It only got weirder. Inside the package was a cardboard envelope like the kind used to send photos. No note. Inside the envelope was a VERY generous anonymous donation. I barely knew what to do with myself. I had sent Cara upstairs to pick out a book to read before nap time and I knew she was waiting for me. I could not process what was in front of me. I called Bill to tell him about it and finished with the naptime routine. I came back downstairs and had to open the envelope again just to make sure. I then called the church to see if the package had in fact come through them and if they would be able to return a thank you note for me (I wanted to respect the extensive efforts this person went through to keep their donation anonymous). The church had no idea what I was talking about and no idea who to direct me toward. I laughed with the woman on the phone. We both knew who the money had ultimately come from...God. I know to some people it might sound ridiculous to say "I got a package in the mail from God." It wasn't glowing or surrounded by a halo or anything. I'm not going crazy. I just know that God is the source of everything we have and He used one (or several) of his children to be his hands and feet (and checkbook) to bless Simon and bring him home a little faster. As of now, we are officially halfway to our fundraising goal :)

I still don't know the details, but it's continued conformation that He is the author of this journey and that He is with us and just like Jesus said to the disciples in Acts chapter 1...that is enough for me to be his witness to the ends of the earth.

:)

Bring Them All Home

A friend sent me this yesterday with a note about Simon. It's almost too hard to look at. Praying that God finds homes for them all. Even if a mother never holds her child after giving birth, the time in the womb is enough for a little person to bond and realize someone is missing, even if they can't describe it, they know. So sad.

Hope in the Bigger Picture

Today I am exhausted. I spent the morning at the church we will be using for a pancake breakfast fundraiser and we'll spend the evening touring the facility we plan to use for our Cabaret Night in August. I have emailed, facebooked, talked to neighbors and done all that I can to let people know about these two events. I have gone store to store for donations. Mentally, I am spent from the endless lists floating in my head about who might be able to help us and what we still need to accomplish.

Moments ago I checked our fundraiser page. 1 supporter. I could choose to let fear in. I could worry about where the money is going to come from (and some days I do, lets just be honest) but today I am going to choose to look to God. Yesterday I wrote this to a family member:

I kind of feel like I am running this race with a million weights tied to my legs making each step next to impossible, but then I look to my left and I see Bill right beside me and I know neither one of us is going to give up. We will love this kid forever even if it never gets any easier.

None of this has been easy but the love in my heart continues to grow for a little boy I've never even met.

Our church used to use the phrase "find your place in God's story." I love seeing the world this way. Ultimately, I am just one person in a world of billions of people. I will live a certain number of years and then I'll be gone. But God's story spans the ends of time. I could choose to feel insignificant. Or I could realize that I get to be Simon and Cara's Mom. I get to be the one running this marathon of life beside Bill cheering him on as he leads our family. It's my place in God's story and it's awesome.

So today I am not going to freak out about the finances or worry about traveling halfway around the world and back...nope today I'm gonna look to God for strength and teach my kids to do the same. As long as I am following Him I know I'm right where I am meant to be.

Love Notes

Some of my favorite moments in life are the times when I am clued into what God is doing. He doesn't have to reveal himself at all, but when he chooses to, it is beautiful. It has been over two weeks since "Ugi" (our nickname for an unknown Ugandan son) officially became Simon. I know time will continue to fly by as we count down the weeks until we can hold him. What I am enjoying at the moment is all the ways God is revealing himself in the details.

It's little things like his medical report saying "he sleeps 12 hours a night and takes 3 naps a day." What you may or may not know is that I prayed to God often that my kids would be sleepers. Cara still takes at least a 2 hour nap every day (sometimes Mommy does too). I knew that was God's gift to me but since I am a sleeper a skeptic could pass that off to genetics. But my Simon is a sleeper too :) Or at least he has the potential to be one after he adjusts to life with new people in a new country. Another way I know this was a little love note for me from God is because the medical reports in international adoption are so bare. Most often you're lucky if you get one parents name, and the child's height, and weight. I have never heard of personality details being included let alone sleep details. For me it's just another way that God is saying "I have been listening and Simon is perfect for you."

We also found out this week that we just made the cut. We were #5 on the waiting list and they matched the first 5 families! I had been wondering how we got picked being so far down on the list. It's wonderful to know that no one was skipped and that so many families are experiencing this joy right now. Five families at once is unheard of in the Uganda program. It is still so new and so slow that up until this point no families have traveled together. In other programs, like China, they will release a large group of kids at one time and everyone travels together and has ceremonies and sight seeing opportunities as a group. This is not normally the case in Uganda. I will be staying in Uganda while we wait for the courts ruling on our guardianship (anywhere from same day to two weeks after we appear in court) and for the US Embassy to process Simon's visa (another two to six week wait). It is so great to know that there could be other families there with me. What a blessing to have people there who know exactly what we're going through as we go through it!

I also think this is a particularly special thing because I would love to stay in contact with these families and give Simon the opportunity to reconnect with children from his orphanage. I know they will understand each other in ways that we never will be able to understand. What an incredible gift!

Simon already feels like a part of our lives. Cara talks about him often and we are doing our best to prepare her for what it might be like to finally have him home.

Last year Cara made the star on the left for her room. This past week we went back and made Simon the blue one for his room :)

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Please continue to pray for us as we prepare. We have one final grant application set to be reviewed in August (so far we have been denied from 6). It would be incredible to receive this grant and have some of the financial burden relieved. There is a cheesy Christian saying "Where God guides, he provides" but we have found this to be so true and we are once again trusting Him with the little we have to do big things.

We are also in the process of planning two different fundraisers. As much as we need the money, we see these more as opportunities for friends and family to be apart of this incredible journey. If you have gotten this far in life and still feel like you haven't seen God or heard from him, we offer you this chance to be apart of something amazing that God is doing in a little boys life (not to mention a front row seat hear about all the ways his parents are being stretched and strengthened).We hope to host another pancake breakfast in August before the college students leave as well as put on a Broadway Cabaret night in (hopefully) July featuring some of our incredibly talented friends and family members. Please pray that we find a location for each of these events (even better if the locations are free!)

Thanks again for "listening" :)
Lauren

We Are A Family of 4!!!

There was a delay in posting this because we wanted to tell as many people as we could in person, but here is what I wrote on the night we signed the papers to officially accept the referral for Simon:

We are a Family of 4

There is one hour left of June 13, 2013 and I decided I needed to use it to write about the past 7 hours because they will define how the next several years of our life go.

Today we made the decision to adopt Simon Peter.

We received our referral somewhere between 4pm and 5pm on Monday. I was sitting in my car the driveway of Grandma and Yo-Pop’s house in the rain. I checked my phone one last time to see if Bill had called and I happened to notice an email:  Referral #2. I glanced down and saw Referral and immediately started reading. I got about as far as “it’s finally your turn. His name is Simon” when I saw a tiny head coming toward my car in the rain. There was Caraline with no shoes headed out to greet me (isn’t she the best!). I jumped out of the car and swooped her up and back onto the porch out of the rain. Grandma came out and I began to tell her about the email referral.

I’m not even exactly sure what Grandma started to tell me; all I was focused on was finding a computer so I could see the first photos of my son.

I struggled to get the files to open on their laptop amidst questions from Yo-Pop and having Uncle Topher over my shoulder. Grandma was still excited about all the fun they had earlier in the day. Cara had almost given up on gaining my attention and started pulling out Polly Pockets to show me. I tried calling Bill several times without success.  It seemed like everything was happening at once!

As I was scanning the initial paperwork the house phone rang and it was Bill calling back in disbelief. He couldn’t get the files to open on his computer at home (he had made it home from work while I was on the road to get Cara).  Eventually I decided just to take Cara and head home to see Bill so we could enjoy this together.

I called my mom on the way home and even though I was incredibly sick she was able to detect the joy in my tone of voice. “You sound awful chipper for someone who is sick? How are you feeling?” I responded with “There’s a good reason, we have a baby boy!” There was immediate joy in her voice. I told her everything I knew and that I was racing home to see Bill.

At some point on the drive home I called Cindy our social worker to tell her the news. She was headed out to vacation but was so glad we caught her.

We came home to big hugs. Cara was hungry so we quick fixed her some chicken and talked over what we knew. I forwarded the paperwork to CHOP and we waited to hear what was next.

We called Uncle Adam and had Cara tell him the news. We also called Aunt Katie but Cara was done with announcements at that point so Bill had to fill her in on the news. We wanted to make sure all the siblings knew since Uncle Topher had been around when I opened the email.

Tuesday we got an email from CHOP saying one of the doctors would be contacting us to schedule a phone conference. They also immediately called for our billing information but we did not hear anything else for the remainder of the day…

I must have looked at Simon’s picture a million times that day.

Wednesday we didn’t hear much of anything either. Around 1pm we got an email saying that Dr. Friedman would call us on Thursday at 4pm. We had a conference call at 3pm with Lisa, the social worker who matched us. She wasn’t able to tell us much more about Simon then was in the paperwork. We talked through some details about the court system being closed for July and how the judges were changing so she wasn’t exactly in a rush for us to be the first ones on their desk after break.

As we went to bed that night I said to Bill, I wonder if God is holding off the doctor’s call because he wants us to know unconditionally that we want Simon. We were nervous about some gaps in his medical history but both of us were feeling confident that we wanted to move forward.

By the time 4pm Thursday came we didn’t really need to hear what the doctor had to say. I was so distracted thinking about Simon that I missed the entrance to 295 and wasn’t home in time to take the call. Dr. Friedman totally understood and agreed to call again in a few moments. (Apparently doctors don’t like to talk to clients on their cell phones while they are driving...imagine that!)

The phone conference was very informative. She basically said that there are a lot of things he hasn’t been tested for yet that he could have but that all the things we did know were good. We did find out that much of his growth statistics are right in the normal range – a fact that is pretty atypical of children raised in orphanages!  He seems to be doing well even in his circumstances.

I must also say that I had prepared Cara for the fact that mommy would have a very long phone call and that I would not be able to stop and talk with her or answer any questions. She kept saying “but if I tell you to stop on the phone you’ll stop right”…”no mommy can’t stop”… “oh, bummer”… then she would try again from another angle. When we were running late for the first call and Dr. Friedman said she would call back Cara was like “that wasn’t very long at all, yeah!” I hated breaking the news that she was calling back in 10 min… LOL.

While I was on the phone Cara got herself a banana and played on the iPad. She was so great. Bill walked through the door about 45 min in and Cara announced “mommy is on the phone and we can’t talk to her.”  Later she was even more discouraged when she realized that mommy and daddy were then going to talk about the phone call for the next hour. She kept trying to share information about what the dog was doing, what the characters on the pages of her book were doing “look mommy she’s drinking green tea on a purple lap top” We assured her that we had heard her but that we needed to talk about much more important things and interruptions would only make it take longer.

She said she was hungry and being the A+ mom that I am I said to her “Cara you are much more capable then you are claiming to be right now, please go in the fridge and fix yourself any snack that you are capable of putting together” Not one to miss an opportunity, Cara made herself blueberry waffles for dinner with extra butter (she came by to show me that she did the butter herself and that there had to be a lot…at the moment I didn’t’ care, looking back all I can do is laugh).

As Bill and discussed the doctor’s call, I sat on the floor and played devil’s advocate. We both knew at this point that we were going to sign the papers but I wanted to hear Bill’s answers to the hard questions. What if the tests the doctor has asked for reveal a terminal illness?  What kind of impact could his possible health issues have on Cara?  Is it really something we can prevent or do we just need to surrender control? People won’t understand…etc.

Finally Bill said “we just have to surrender the details. If this was about us and our comfort I would have given up a year and a half ago when I saw how painful it was for you to wait for him. This is something God has asked us to do and we need to do it. This is the child we have been placed with and we need to do it.” I have never loved him more. Thank God I married a man who will do the right thing even if it is the most gut wrenching decision. “Print it out let’s sign it right now.”

This would be the point in the night where I couldn’t stop crying.

We went up to the third floor as a family and got the printed contract. I was crying so hard I couldn’t see the buttons to push on the printer.  Cara kept saying “I want to draw too, where can I write? I want to write something to send to Uganda.” We told her that she could write another letter and we would send it to Ugi /Simon.  (Cara then proceeded to spend the rest of the night mailing pretend letters to “pretend Uganda” – Could she be more awesome?)

On the way upstairs I stopped by our bedroom to get a tissue because I was crying. Cara, never one to miss a beat, watched me walk out of the room with one tissue and knew this would not be enough. All on her own she went back in my bedroom and grabbed the tissue box. Several minutes later when I asked her to run and get me one from the playroom she pointed out that she had already put an entire box next to my feet for me to use. Priceless!

We then came downstairs and emailed the signed contract to the adoption agency.

We spent the rest of the night texting friends, calling family and trying to get our friends all together in one place. Every so often we would grab Cara and do a “you’re a big sister” dance or tickle fest. I randomly kept announcing to the room that we are a family of 4 now.

At one point I got out last year’s calendar to see what we were doing on the day that Simon was born (May 17, 2012). I have written all of our activities on the calendar since Cara was little. The entire month of May was full of notations, arrows, drawings and details of our lives. May 17^th was right in the middle and entirely blank. It stood out like a sore thumb. God knew we would need to go back and fill in the details of that day. It now says in bold purple letters: “Simon was born.”

We also realized (thanks to my mom) that we will be telling the entire church the upcoming Sunday which is Father’s Day (that much we had thought through). My mom also pointed out that we got married on Father’s Day.  What an awesome time of year! J

Then we looked up what the name Simon means. It means “God has heard”…yeah he did!

“Peter” means Rock (on which God built his church) and Simon’s last name “Ainebyona” means “one to whom much has been given”.  Simon Peter was the only disciple bold enough to get out of the boat and walk on water with Jesus. As Pastor Paul said “his name is stacked!”

We printed out his picture and closed out the night by putting it on our refrigerator right in the middle of all the family photos.

I know it’s different than going into the delivery room but even as I sit here crying and typing I am overwhelmed at how in an instant our family has grown again. Yesterday we had the anticipation, we thought today might be it, but tonight something happened and it became official. All 3 of us together, standing around a piece of paper and signing our names (or in Cara’s case begging to write her name), we became a family of 4 and Simon will never be alone again.

There is still a long road ahead. There is potential for disaster in more ways that we are probably aware of. It may only get harder but I know now more than ever that God’s signature is all over this story and I am so glad to be a part of it. He is in every detail and I wouldn’t change a thing.

A 'Nest' Half Full

Recently Bill asked Cara the age old question "Cara, is your glass half empty or half full?" She replied with a big smile "half full!" Hopefully this means she will go through life with a much more positive perspective than her mother.

I decided to take a hint from Cara and view this Mother's Day as half full rather than half empty. As the day approached a part of me wanted to be angry. Angry with the system and angry with God for allowing Cara to grow up so lonely. Friday night we got an email from one of our adoption agencies that was titled "Help Us Find Homes for Orphans." Bill and I laughed. Bill said,"Gee I am confused about what we've been doing so far?!" Again I was reminded that while our hearts have their own timeline for this adoption, we wait on God's perfect plan. One day (hopefully this side of heaven) it will all make perfect sense.

An even bigger part of me wanted to be heartbroken that there is no hope of Ugi coming home any time soon. During the process of renewing our home study we were casually informed that we shouldn't expect any news before September. My heart quickly did the math...a match later than September means another Christmas apart. Another birthday for Cara without anyone to help her blow out the candles. Even still I choose to wait expectantly on God. He wouldn't bring us down this road without a purpose. We have already learned so much about ourselves and what it means to love unconditionally.

As difficult as it was I choose to spend this week focused on all the incredible family and friends that surround me daily. Our nest might be half full but our life is completely whole. We are surrounded by the kind of people that will drop everything to help us when we are in need (even when we forget to say Thank You!). Our family comes through for us time and time again. This is evidenced just this week by our fixed car, new back door, free babysitting, and full tummy (such good Mother's Day meals!).

The hole in my heart reminds me to pray for our son and to depend on God with every detail of our lives. I could choose to focus on what's missing or to focus on the greatness of the God who called us on this journey and the fullness of the life he has already provided.

Today I choose to be thankful, hopeful, faithful, and to see my life as "half full."

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I was also greatly encouraged by this weeks sermon in church about what it means to be called to something. It should be uploaded here soon http://www.gracealliancechapel.org/series/our-calling Check it out if you have time. Several friends and family have questioned us about our adoption process. "You could have had 2 more kids of your own by now." Not everyone understands what it means when God calls you to something. It's never easy. This message really helped put it in perspective.

A 'Tenderheart' Moment

Many people have been asking us lately if there have been any updates with our adoption. After many question filled emails to our agency and back I can finally say yes, we have an update. We are now family #5 on the waiting list (we started at #8). Our standing was unclear for a while because many families on the list were beginning to consider children outside of the Uganda program but they won't officially take them off our waiting list until things are finalized within the other program (for good reason because two of the families were matched and then had birth mothers change their mind).

The family that was matched from our orphanage in December received their court date: April 17th. This falls exactly within the anticipated 4 month wait between being matched and traveling for your court hearing. We are watching this family closely because there have been many changes to the Uganda program over the past year and this family is the first to travel under the new timeline of documentation. I am very curious to see how long it takes them to travel home after their court date. Previous families have been told to expect at least 6 weeks, but this new timeline may bring them home faster. We'll see.

We are also in the process of redoing our home study, abuse clearances and fingerprinting. The other complication of a long wait is that formal documentation expires :( We had our reinspection on Thursday, March 28th and everything seems to be coming together with our approvals and documentation. Yipee!

So how have we been?

Waiting is never fun, but I continue to remind myself that we are waiting on God and not on the government, the paperwork, or the orphanage. It is easy to get frustrated by the process. It's unorganized and unpredictable. But through it all we know that God is faithful.

Several weeks ago I was driving to my friend Lisa's house to pick up something and I became overwhelmed with emotion. I said out loud to myself and God "this is an unexpected tender hearted moment" and then I began to cry harder because without meaning to, I had spoken the name of our orphanage (Tenderheart) and it made me miss our son even more. What was getting me choked up was the beauty of the friendship between Lisa's daughters. I had just gotten done showing Cara a video of the girls playing ball together. They are at an amazing age right now. They know a few words but mostly all you hear from them are squeaks and giggles. Watching Natalie and Noelle play together is absolutely priceless. They make each other laugh constantly. Cara adores them. Her favorite thing to do is pretend to chase them and then say "tickle, tickle, tickle" because it makes them laugh so hard. There was a part of my heart that was breaking in that moment because I so long for Cara to have a sibling of her own to laugh with like they do. Whenever she plays with other children Cara is her happiest. She has been so patient as she tells anyone who will listen that she is going to have a brother soon.

She collects things around the house and sets them aside for Ugi. She is planning a trip to Disney World for him (not that she's even been but she tells me she thinks he will love it). There is a growing mountain of stuffed animals, blankets, and special things in his crib. She tried to convince me that he would like her pink socks that don't fit anymore but I told her we could splurge to get him boy socks. LOL.

I have to remind myself that in the end this part of the journey will seem like a small blip in the timeline. The same way the 9 months of pregnancy can feel long and then all the sudden this little person is in your life and you're thinking "where did they come from?" Cara will not be alone forever. She's getting the exact brother God has planned for her and one day our house will be full of their laughter (and probably a few arguments...lets just be honest)

I often feel humbled that God would consider us up for the task of raising children, let alone raising children who come to us with a broken heart. The grief process for orphans is very real even if their mother never held them. They know that something is missing they just can't identify what. Children lucky enough to find themselves in an orphanage like Tenderheart are additionally burdened by having to part from their caretakers and 'brothers' and 'sisters' at the orphanage. Can you imagine growing up with a group of children, feeling like a family, and not understanding why you were taken from them? Thankfully, God is also a God of the brokenhearted. He promises to draw near to us and to bring the peace, comfort, and love that only He can.

Over and over again in scripture we see God looking out for the orphan. In Deuteronomy he commands the farmers not to pick their fields clean, but to leave behind grain for the foreigner, the orphan and the widow. In James 1:27 it says "Religion that God our Father accepts as pure and faultless is this: to look after oprhans and widows in their distress and to keep oneself from being polluted by the world." In Psalm 146:9 it says "The Lord watches over the foreigner and sustains the fatherless and the widow..." Countless times we see God hold cities accountable for mistreating their orphans and widows. He promises to hear their cries and defend them (traditionally a family is defended by the head of the household, the father...) God steps in for the fatherless and he is using us to do that. I am humbled everyday at the thought that we are a part of God's story for Ugi and he is a huge part of God's story for us! I never feel up for the task, but I know that not a single step on this journey has happened apart from God and God will continue to provide everything we need for each step of the way from patience and wisdom to practical needs. I am so thankful for a God that is bigger than me. We could not do this without him!

Overdue

There are a lot of thoughts buzzing around my head today so I apologize in advance if this blog is not my best.

The last time I sat down to write I spent nearly two hours adding pictures and updates. Once I was finished I went to spell check myself (because it's me we're talking about) and for whatever reason, everything got deleted.

So this post is long overdue.

If you haven't heard we are now #5 on the waiting list. They were able to find a home for Joan (a baby girl born blind) which is a huge praise. We also had one family put their adoption on hold due to a pregnancy of their own (here's hoping that was good news for them!). So that brings us to #5. We received an email last week saying that they hope to make a few more matches over the next few months.

In the meantime we have managed to connect with other NJ families looking to adopt from Africa. It's very comforting to hear that there are other families on this journey as well. It really normalizes things to hear other Moms share their experiences with delays and documentation errors. You can begin to think that it's your fault or that there must be more we should be doing. Having other families to check in with is great. It's also encouraging to know that there will be families that look like ours not too far away.

Almost every time I go out with Cara someone stops to tell me that we look just like each other. It hit me today while Cara and I were on a lunch date with friends when someone stopped to ask "Is that your daughter? She looks just like you!" - How will Ugi feel when he hears that? I have to trust that God will speak to his heart and help him to understand what an essential part of our family he is. I also have to remember to have a good attitude and use those moments as an opportunity to explain the beauty of adoption and how God brought our family together.

When we got married it helped me to understand God's love in a new way. It helped me to see how selfish I was and how amazing it can be to run the marathon of life with a committed partner by your side. When we had Cara I learned how instantly love can happen and how deep the bond can be between parent and child. Again I learned how selfish I was and how rewarding it can be when we begin to put others needs before our own. The world is so much more wonderful when it isn't all about me! I also began to see my faith in a whole new way through my child's eyes. Everything and everyone in the world is beautiful and valuable to her. She is never in a rush and her heart longs to spend time with those she loves (especially her friends). As we seek to bring our son home I am continuing to learn God's heart for those he loves. The way he waits patiently for us to come to him. The deep love he has for those that don't even know him yet. The beauty of taking a life lost and adopting it into your family permanently. I am sure this is just the start of many things that God plans to teach us through our adoption process. I also know that the waiting is actually the easiest part and process of bonding that is before us is sure to break my heart in a thousand ways. It will be a roller coaster of moments that take our breath away and moments where we just want to scream. But it will be worth it, so worth it.

 I keep reading in scripture about all the ways that God's people walk away from him, forget him, or out and out reject him for something perceived to be better. I am sure there will be days when, like God, we will have to fight hard to prove our love to our child(ren). I am sure there will be days when Ugi wonders why things didn't turn out another way for him, and he might wonder if another path was better. When we read the bible and see people doubting God it's like "come on you idiots he just rescued you again! He has given you everything you need. Why would you doubt him now?" But we all do it every day. We struggle to control things. We think we have a better way. We get lost in unrealistic expectations and then blame God when it doesn't work out like we planned. From our (Bill and Mine) perspective this adoption is planned and purposeful, but for Ugi there will always be a part of him that can't see that side of things. Above all else I just hope Ugi knows he is loved (and isn't that God's message to us?)