We had a wonderful Easter with our families. It didn't feel quite as hollow as I was afraid it might. I will say that we have experienced everything from unexplained intense physical pain, to family sickness, to Cara suddenly developing intense separation anxiety (so unlike her), to the loss of one of Bill's students, to you name it. Even my cell phone stopped working. Big things and little things, when magnified by our grief over Simon, it kind of feels like being kicked when you are down. Every time I have started the day fresh it feels like we have been presented with a new reason to give up on life.
This morning I opened my bible up to Romans. In chapter 5 it says "we also glory in our sufferings, because we know that suffering produces perseverance, perseverance, character; and character, hope. And hope does not put us to shame, because God's love has been poured out into our hearts through the Holy Spirit, who has been given to us."
Right before that in Romans it reflects on the story of Abraham. I'm not trying to alter scripture, but allow me to share with you how Abraham's story spoke to me today.
Adapted from Romans 4:11-22
"Against all hope, Abraham in hope believed and so became the father of many nations, just as it has been said to him 'so shall your offspring be.' Without weakening in his faith, he faced the fact that his <circumstances> were as good as dead...yet he did not waver through unbelief regarding the promise of God, but was strengthened in his faith and gave glory to God being fully persuaded that God had the power to do what he had promised. That is why it was credited to him as righteousness."
Now for Abraham his circumstances were that he and Sarah were WAY too old to be having kids. Their circumstances did not seem to line up with the promise God gave them. I feel this way too. Our circumstances don't feel like the are lining up with God's call to build our family through adoption.
The day we heard the news about Simon being taken out of the adoption program (and therefore no longer a possibility for being our son) I cried to Bill on the phone "why would God give us a 5 bedroom house if he never intended to fill it?" The story of acquiring our house is another one for the record books. We call it 'the promised land' because just like when Joshua and Caleb were sent to scope out the real promised land, there seemed like there were a million reasons to turn and run away (giants for Joshua, giant holes in the walls for us, ceilings caving in, etc.) but God reminded them that the land was already theirs, they just needed to claim it. All those obstacles were things God would equip them to overcome easily they just had to trust Him. It was the same with our house. People tell us all the time how comfortable they feel in our home. We never should have been able to afford it and we did not have the skills to fix it, but little by little God has turned this building into a home. Why would he leave it empty now?
Our finances are another thing. We knew going into this adoption that God would have to move a financial mountain in order for us to bring it to completion. People in our lives often ask us "but isn't adoption really expensive?" what they are really saying is "how on earth do you expect to pull this off?" or "why on earth would you give up everything for this one kid (especially when we are physically able to have our own kids?)" They aren't being rude. They are just looking to things on earth that don't add up, but we have our eyes fixed above earth...on Jesus. And you know what?! HE DID IT! We have raised enough money to move forward with this adoption. You know, many of you gave. There are still huge costs ahead but we will be able to move forward without jeopardizing our families financial security.
So we have the home, we have the money, we have the heart, we have the family support, we have the training, the security clearances, physicals passed with flying colors, paperwork in order, we are #1 on the waiting list and there is an orphanage overflowing with kids that need to come home. It all adds up! Yet we are still waiting.
Just like Abraham and Sarah our circumstances don't add up to our reality. Even after God moved their circumstantial mountains and gave them Issac he then asked Abraham to sacrifice Issac to him...what the what?!? We don't always stop and think about how crazy that seems because the rest of the story is right there on the page. We can keep reading and see how it all played out and see how God used the faith of that one family to impact generations to come.
We are in the middle of our story. Right now it stops at "What the what?!?" It doesn't make sense to continue on this path. People close to us have offered us all kinds of alternatives to building our family. It's tempting to change courses all together to grow our family faster. To end this difficult time of waiting. There are "easier" programs, "quicker" programs. "Just get pregnant!"
God placed adoption on our hearts very early on. I recently had the opportunity to preach at church and one of the things I shared is that God has put something unique on each of our hearts that every time we are exposed to that unique thing we think "that is such a shame. That just shouldn't be." We have that reaction because God wants to use us to make a difference in that unique thing. It's different for everyone, it has to be, no one person can fix all the wrongs in this world but if we each play our part, it is possible to restore what has been lost to the ugliness of this world. For us, kids growing up in orphanages without families or worse; dying at the bottom of toilets or trash heaps is that unique thing. I'm sure if asked, everyone would agree that it's a horrible situation, but it probably doesn't keep them up at night. It probably isn't the thing they think about every time their kids get together for a playdate with other families. When someone is told all the ugly realities about how hard it will be to raise a child that has experienced trauma after trauma, they probably don't get so excited about the opportunity to love that child that they can barely sit still in their chair. I do. Often. There is rarely a moment when I am not thinking about finding a way to make their world a little less empty.
I don't expect it to make sense to everyone. There are days when the hurt outweighs the reasons and it barely makes sense to me.
I liked the TNIV bible translation of Romans 5 because it says "hope does not put us to shame." I have to admit that I felt shame these past few weeks. "People must think we are so stupid for pursuing this as long as we have...they probably read this blog and feel bad for us like we have thrown our lives away..." I was embarrassed because people gave money toward the adoption and we still have "nothing" to show for it. I was disappointed because I want this to be a story that draws people to faith in God and I feel like instead they are laughing at us. Shame. Even as I battle these thoughts and feelings I know they are not from God. Guilt and shame never are. It is still hard though, not to feel that way. But today God reminded me in a clear way that hope is a good thing. Having hope is nothing to be ashamed of because my hope is in Him and He is the author and perfecter of our faith. We are just in the middle of the story.
