Yesterday I was driving with one of my alumni and she said, "I'm so sorry you guys have had to go through all of this. I have been wanting to write to you but I never know what to say." I reassured her that even in the midst of post traumatic stress or whatever this is, that we always fall back on our faith and the original author of this story. I sound like a broken record but, this was never about us.
The grief is very real though. I finally came up with a metaphor that made some sense to me. I feel like I am living life with a big hollow echo. The more wonderful the family moment, the louder the echo is that Simon is missing.
This past weekend we hosted all of our family to celebrate Caraline's 4th birthday. My niece, Charlotte, was there and she is one month younger than Simon. If you could see love in a real form you would be blinded by the love between Cara and Charlotte. It's intoxicating. Eyes glowing, shreeks of joy followed by endless laughter...
Then there is the echo. If Simon were here Cara could have days like this all the time. She would always have someone to seek or tag or get mad at when they touch her toys. It's just a quite tug on my heart that longs for what could have been.
I'm sure it's normal. I'm sure it's not healthy. I don't know if it will ever pass.
I know he was never legally ours, but knowing he is out there is hard. It's different than loosing my grandmother and wishing she were still here to see them play because he isn't gone, he's just not...here.
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Meanwhile the updates from Uganda are still worth praise. They have been working to construct a new babies home that will have a medical clinic and other great things for the kids. It will mean owning vs. renting and a lot more room for more orphans. It's now 65% done.
They have also nearly finished finding churches or businesses who will agree to cover one month's rent each year for the home. This means soon they will be fully funded on a regular basis and that looming wonder about if there will be enough will be gone.
I asked about Simon. We're pretty sure he is still at the orphange. He was when Lisa traveled in November. They promised to update me after the first of the year. I know he doesn't know what Christmas is and that he has no idea about the traditions. It will be an ordinary day and he will be happy. It is just the enemy on my end taunting me to think about what is missing. It is a constant pulling to focus on what isn't instead of what is. "Do not be overcome by evil, but overcome evil with good." Romans 12:21 I am doing as many acts of kindness and generosity as I can this holiday. Forcing myself to bring as much good as I can.
This past Sunday we talked about the gift of presence vs presents. I know that Simon is surrounded by God's presence (even if he doesn't yet understand). My prayer is that he will feel that love surround him this holiday season.
My broken heart has been landing in Romans 12 for the past week or so:
9 Love must be sincere. Hate what is evil; cling to what is good. 10 Be devoted to one another in love. Honor one another above yourselves. 11 Never be lacking in zeal, but keep your spiritual fervor, serving the Lord. 12 Be joyful in hope, patient in affliction, faithful in prayer. 13 Share with the Lord’s people who are in need. Practice hospitality.
14 Bless those who persecute you; bless and do not curse. 15 Rejoice with those who rejoice; mourn with those who mourn. 16 Live in harmony with one another. Do not be proud, but be willing to associate with people of low position.[a] Do not be conceited.
17 Do not repay anyone evil for evil. Be careful to do what is right in the eyes of everyone.18 If it is possible, as far as it depends on you, live at peace with everyone.
I am trying to be sincere. To cling to what is good. I am trying to be joyful and patient. To live out all the things in this verse by the strength of the one who promises to equip me for every good work.
I need to be honest and say that it's not working, but that doesn't mean it's wrong. I find comfort in the strength behind this passage. There is a time to mourn loss. It's ok that I'm broken.
I think that sometimes this blog freaks people out because they don't know how to react to my brokeness. If that is you, please know that you don't have to feel awkward. Just give me a hug and a little grace for the moment. God never said it would be easy, he only said I'd never have to walk this road alone.
There is a little one out there for us. In the meantime, we wait for God to show us the next step. Waiting sucks, but it usually means that something is coming. So I choose to wait expectantly. :)
