Stuck

This one is a hard one. The only way I could get through it was to pray as I wrote. My prayers are in grey. Welcome to the battle inside my mind to hang onto God's promises and truth a midst a sea of pain and lies.

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I hate when my gut is right.

On Friday, we received an email from Lisa saying that she had pursued Ken, Cathy and Alice all week but heard nothing back from them about Simon and his case. They had sent reports on all the other children but said nothing about Simon. Her assumption was that the three of them needed to meet together before any of them could respond.

I knew this was bad news. If it was going according to plan they wouldn't need to conference first. I tried to stay optimistic over the weekend. It could be anything. It could be that they are just busy with the family that is in country this month and unable to accomplish much else. It could even be that they already filed our paperwork and figured that since things were headed in a good direction they'd update us whenever they could.

[There is a reason God says not to worry about tomorrow. Matthew 6:34 "Therefore do not worry about tomorrow, for tomorrow will worry about itself. Each day has enough trouble of its own." I had a great weekend with Cara celebrating a friends upcoming wedding and Uncle Bill turning 70. We could have missed out on a lot of good memories this weekend if I had let my thoughts consume me.]

 I opened my email this morning and did what I always do...scan for the word Uganda and hope for the best.  The email was crushing. "An Aunt has expressed interest." 5 words changed my Monday from a sing song melody to a broken hallelujah.

Once again we are being asked to put our dreams on hold. God's plan isn't on hold but my dreams of holding my son are fading. We said from the beginning that we would do whatever it takes for Simon to have the best life possible. When the phone rang back in January we scheduled the conference call knowing that we would say "yes" to whatever they asked be it money, time or travel.

Ultimately, we want what is best for Simon but it kills me to have to admit again that the answer might not be us.

In this moment I am angry with his family. Really Angry. "If you want him just come get him! He has been right there in front of you this entire time!!" I honestly don't understand, but it probably seems just as crazy to them that there is an American family who wants to pay thousands of dollars to bring Simon home with us. [God give me the strength to forgive them.]

I am thankful that Tenderheart is a wonderful place to grow up and that Simon is receiving the best possible care, but no one should have to grow up without parents. The system is frustrating. It feels broken and misguided. [God, help me to trust you to do what is best for these orphans. Please work through our story to help fix a broken system. Help me to find peace in the fact that YOU are there with Simon and the others, for the good days and bad. We do not walk this journey alone. Help me with my frustration and please bless the staff at Tenderheart]

I feel broken. I don't understand why my heart is full of an unending desire to help raise these orphans if the door to that opportunity will only keep slamming in my face. [God help me to know your direction and your timing.]

I feel stuck. I don't want Cara to continue to grow up without siblings. We have considered all of our options and not one of them feels right for our family. The only thing that ever made sense was Simon.

In the wake of this news it is hard not to feel like my world is crashing down. My heart is broken and my reflex is to make it stop. I know deep down there is a reason for this pain but it's hard to see in this moment. Once again God gently whispers "this was never about you." Sacrifice is something He understands. I know he is holding me as I cry. We are not on this journey alone but it is so much harder than I ever thought possible. [God, let there be less of me and more of YOU]

How many mothers out there have had to loose their son...twice? [God, thank you for willingly giving up your son to die for all of us who don't deserve such a gift. Thank you for knowing how I feel and carrying me through when I cannot take another step.]