Looking Back/ Looking Forward

Facebook has a feature that I am sure most users are very familiar with. It is called "On This Day." A part of me wonders if the creators of this feature fully understood the impact that something like this could have. For those of you that don't know, the app looks back over all your prior posts on the current date as far back as you have had a facebook account. It quickly lists for you on one screen what memories you have collected year after year.

It has been a fun way to look back at photos of my kids as they have grown. It has also brought back many hilarious memories with friends and important milestones as a family. I do my best to check it everyday because it is a good reality check that 1) life happens in seasons and good or bad things could be very different tomorrow 2) a year can make a huge difference in any given situation and 3) I usually have a lot more to be thankful for then I realize.

It was today's "On This Day" moment from 2015 that prompted me to begin this blog again. I'm not sure how many people will read it, but I realized that I need these memories more than anyone. That my own words and God inspired wisdom can be the very reminders I need to keep going.

I am embarrassed to say that you have ALL heard me complain over this past year. If you have been kind enough to ask how I am doing or happened to offer me a hug at a vulnerable moment...you have heard the stories of my heavy heart. Finding my way on this new path has been something that has rocked me to my core and broken my heart in more ways than I knew possible. It has brought out the worst in me (which I am now learning is all a part of how God intends to refine me).

Still, even in the darkest moments, there is a hope I cannot deny. However, I have gotten good at ignoring it. Some days it is easier to to be cranky than to be hopeful. Some days feel unfair or unending. 

As usual, God has given me a song to guide me through and put words to an emotion I couldn't otherwise express. This time it is "Thy Will Be Done" by Hillary Scott

I'm so confused
I know I heard you loud and clear
So, I followed through
Somehow I ended up here
I don't wanna think
I may never understand
That my broken heart is a part of your plan
When I try to pray
All I've got is hurt and these four words

Thy will be done

I know you're good
But this don't feel good right now
And I know you think
Of things I could never think about
It's hard to count it all joy
Distracted by the noise
Just trying to make sense
Of all your promises
Sometimes I gotta stop
Remember that you're God
And I am not
So

Thy will be done
Like a child on my knees all that comes to me is
Thy will be done

I know you see me

I know you hear me, Lord
Your plans are for me
Goodness you have in store

The first time I heard this song on the radio I had to pull over and let the rush of emotions take hold of me. It was like someone found out my secret and wrote a song about it. There are times when I wonder, did we make the right choice? Am I really what he needs? Those thoughts never last long though because there is no doubt who started us on this journey and God doesn't make mistakes.

He was so clear. This is our path. 

Every tear. Every battle for control. Every broken item. Even my broken heart. This is our path.

It sounds awful. I know I have made it sound awful because when you are knee deep in it (and often over your head as well) sometimes all you can see is the awful. BUT it is also beautiful. It is beautiful because God is in it. He hasn't abandoned us to a lifetime of complicated and shut the door. No. He holds me in my broken moments. He forgives me when I loose control. He gently guides me each day to look to him and join him in this process.

I actually prayed this week "Lord, I know you brought us down this path to refine me. I know you are using him to bring out the worst in me so that I can face what is ugly and have victory over it. However, I feel like soon there will be nothing left of me to refine. I've got nothing left."

Then I sat there and very slowly God spoke to my heart and said "exactly." Slowly my exhaustion turned to gratitude as I realized that's the goal...more of Him and less of me. The entire process of sanctification is meant to make us more like Christ. I am in process. As I said so wisely just a year ago...I am in the middle of my marathon. God's not finished with me yet.